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Words of Wisdom:
The universe is made out of protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons.
When somebody says that obesity runs in their family, what they’re really saying is that no one runs in their family.
I only trust people who like big butts. They cannot lie.
To ensure you never miss, shoot first, then call whatever you hit the target.
You don’t need a parachute to skydive, you need one if you want to skydive again.
I can eat two pieces of string and have them come out the other end tied. I shit you knot.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I believe that the problem with America is stupidity. I’m not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
An astronaut and a brain surgeon were once discussing religion. The brain surgeon was religious and the astronaut was not. The astronaut said “I’ve been out in space many times, but I’ve never seen God nor angels.” The brain surgeon replied, “And I’ve operated on many clever brains but I’ve never seen a single thought.”
As I may quote the wise Sir Walter Humphrey Millington Boris Hitchhand Sangred Norfield the 4th, may he rest in peace; “the”.
The wise man will never moon a werewolf.
Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills all of it’s pupils.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the f*ck is the ceiling?!”
The Energizer bunny was arrested the other day. He was charged with battery.
I once told a doctor that I’d broken my leg in two places. His advice was to stop going to those places.
I believe the greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
If I say that your opinion is wrong, please keep in mind that I still recognize that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.
My birth certificate expired five years ago.
If someone get lost in thought, then obviously thought is unfamiliar territory to them.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “no hablo Inglés.”
The road to success is always under construction.
A good vacuum really sucks.
You should go see the doctor, and make sure he sees you back.
Aim is for poor people who can’t afford big enough guns.
When you cheat, it’s called cheating. When I cheat, it’s called strategy.
Do not meddle with the affairs of the moderators, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Children in the back of a car can cause an accident, but an accident in the back of a car can cause children.
I have a zero tolerance policy for the intolerant.
I’m off to find myself, if I arrive before I leave, keep me here.
“I’m not saying we’re in danger, I’m just explicitly not saying that it wouldn’t be wise not to worry about whether somebody did or did not do what they said they didn’t do.
“He looked at me as if I was stupid.”
Why do you have to “put your two cents in,” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
I don’t suffer from madness… I enjoy it.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
All generalizations are bad.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Helicopters hang in the sky, much in the same way bricks don’t.
Today is the last day of some of your life.
You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
I’ve turned people’s lives around. My friend used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed
If you break your legs, don’t come running to me!
You know it’s a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.
Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
A signature always reveals a man’s character – and sometimes even his name.
If you never eat a ripe banana until you finish the overripe ones, you will spend your life eating overripe bananas.
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Maybe you’re not the best person you can be, but you have the best shot at it.