Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, ‘O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu—’
Skip a bit, Brother.
And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.’
You Know You’re From Colorado When…
1. April showers bring May blizzards.
2. If it snows in the morning you expect it to be gone by lunchtime.
3. You’re amazed when you’re not driving through road construction.
4. You can drive at 55 mph over a 12,000 foot pass in 4 feet of snow with winds blowing, but can’t get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.
5. You know where the real ‘South Park’ is.
6. South Park is twice as funny for you as it is for out of staters because you get all of the jokes.
7. You’ve met one of the characters from south park (Mr. Mackey aka Mr. Lackey, Mr. Garrison aka Mr. Lucas, or a bus driver Mrs. Baca).
8. You go anywhere else on the planet, the air feels sticky and you notice the sky is no longer blue.
9. You know what a “Chinook” is. You know what a “rocky mountain oyster” is. You know what a “fourteener” is. But you don’t know what a “turn signal” is.
10. You know what Focus on the Family is, and you feel very strongly about it in one direction or another.
11. You know the elevation of a town, but not its population.
12. You’ve been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU victory.
13. Timberline is somewhere you have actually been. Many times.
14. You take your out of town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would
never go there otherwise.
15. You think that formal wear is ironed jeans.
16. If the humidity gets above 25%, you consider it “muggy”.
17. You know what I’m talking about when I say, “You don’t need an airplane to be in the mile-high club in Denver."
18. You know all 4 seasons “almost winter, winter, still winter and drought season”.
19. You get passed when you are driving seventy five
20. You can name the states that make up the Four Corners, and you’ve been there.
21. You get depressed after one day of foggy weather.
22. You’re serenely accepting of a perpetually cracked windshield.
23. You know what a “trust fund hippie” is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder.
24. You know what and where the Continental Divide is.
25. You know the correct pronunciation of Buena Vista.
26. When you aren’t in Colorado, you no longer know which direction is which, because you can’t see the mountains.
27. The only RTD bus you’ve been on is the 16th Street shuttle.
28. You’ve gone skiing in July, sunbathing in January, and they were both in the same year.
29. A sudden loss of cabin pressure is not a big deal.
30. You refer to anyone from the Midwest as “Flat-landers”
31. You think 5-points is a ghetto. So is Aurora.
32. You’ll eat ice cream in the winter.
33. You’ll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature.
34. You don’t think Coors beer is that big a deal.
35. You’ve gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities.
36. When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just laugh.
37. The fast lane is for cruising and the slow lane is for passing (this drives me crazy).
38. You have jumped off of the roof of a 2 story or higher building with nothing to stop you but snow.
39. Driving is better in the winter cause the pot holes are filled with snow.
40. You carry a pair of skis in your car “just in case”
41. When people say they’re going to the Church on Sunday, you assume they mean the nightclub on Lincoln.
42. You are the third car to run a red light after it has changed.
43. You never pack away your coat and sweaters.
44. If it snows in the mountains, you unexpectedly get the “white flu,” as does half of your office or school.
45. You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that Texas is downstream.
46. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight.
47. You scoff at the “five-day forecast.
48. If it rains more than 2 days straight you compare the weather to being in Seattle.
49. You’ve dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka.
50. You laugh when people say they have bad traffic in their city…You know nothing compares to Sunday night traffic coming down from the Summit.
51. Your car insurance costs more than your car.
52. You think only stupid people get lost in your town.
53. Thunder has set off your car alarm.
54. SPF 90 is not out of the question.
55. Ice is not something that you put in your drink, rather, it is an alternative road covering.
56. When visiting friends at sea level, they are strongly impressed by your ability to drink a case of beer and not get a buzz.
57. Think that prairie dogs are not cute; they are just another damn rodent.
58. Where we are going, we don’t need roads!!
59. The skis/snowboards or the bike on your car is worth more than your car.
60. You’ve fooled someone by telling them that the stop signs with the white trim are optional.
61. People driving on the 16th Street Mall are considered “tourists”.
62. Your friends don’t eat meat, but they guzzle microbrew and designer coffee like its water.
63. In any given line you can see a white person with dreadlocks who is barefoot and the next person is wearing Prada, Chanel sunglasses, a Rolex and is dripping in diamonds.
64. Snow in June is not unheard of. Neither is 100-degree weather.
65. You shop for a new car and know that there is no way you can buy one that doesn’t have AWD or 4WD.
66. Fleece is a way of life and not just a wardrobe choice.
67. You accelerate at the sight of pedestrians in a crosswalk.
68. 1 in 4 of your friends has a DUI or has had one in the past year.
69. When acquaintances only recognize you when your dog is with you.
70. You have gotten ticketed or booted in Cherry Creek, even if you just ran in for coffee.
71. The homeless guys outside of Cherry Creek Mall begging for money are listening to iPods.
72. When you hear “rich” and think Cherry Creek.
73. You know “Cherry Creek” means the good life.
74. The true feud which divides people is between those who “board” and the “two-plankers.”
75. You have surge protectors on every outlet.
76. SNIAGRAB is an annual event you never miss.
77. You’re surprised when you hear Denver is the “singles capital of the US”.
78. You’re not surprised when you hear Denver is the “drinking capital of the US”.
79. Cardboard boxes are a legit substitute if you don’t have a sled, so do school lunch trays.
80. You have absolutely no recognizable accent.
81. You switch from “Heat” to “A/C” in one day.
82. Have stood outside for the better part of 30 minutes, using your hair dryer and an extension cord to un-ice the locks in your car.
83. Your friends from out of state laugh at you when you tell them to bring a jacket in mid-summer, then you get to laugh at them as they plunk down $80 for a new jacket at an over-priced tourist shop.
84. Your favorite holiday is the Great American Beer Festival.
85. You know you’re from Denver when you know where the Queen Soopers is and the not so safe Safeway.
86. Million dollar homes are not uncommon.
87. There is no pizza place like Beau Jo’s in Idaho Springs.
88. You’re knee deep in low riders on Federal Blvd in Denver during Cinco De Mayo.
89. Highway construction workers are seen doing more talking and sitting around than actual work.
90. Someone calls you and blames YOU for having the wrong number…