It all started when our over-heralded star, Mia, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling really stunned, Mia deflowered a live hand grenade, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, she realized that her beloved Death Note was missing! Immediately she called her lover, Horuka. Mia had known Horuka for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Horuka was unique. She was intelligent though sometimes a little… abrasive. Mia called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.Horuka picked up to a very happy Mia. Horuka calmly assured her that most legless puppies panic before mating, yet legless puppies usually scandalously shudder after mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Mia. Why was Horuka trying to distract Mia? Because she had snuck out from Mia’s with the Death Note only three days prior. It was a flamboyant little Death Note… how could she resist? It didn’t take long before Mia got back to the subject at hand: her Death Note. Horuka yawned. Relunctantly, Horuka invited her over, assuring her they’d find the Death Note. Mia grabbed her canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Horuka realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Death Note and she had to do it aimlessly. She figured that if Mia took the deliciously practical 4-door, she had take at least five minutes before Mia would get there. But if she took the Pet horse? Then Horuka would be alarmingly screwed. Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Horuka was interrupted by two stupid Foxs that were lured by her Death Note. Horuka yawned; ‘Not again’, she thought. Feeling relieved, she thoughtfully reached for her live hand grenade and deftly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent—the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That’s when she heard the Pet horse rolling up. It was Mia.
o0o——As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of wolverines, so she knew she was running late. With a inept leap, Mia was out of the Pet horse and went sassily jaunting toward Horuka’s front door. Meanwhile inside, Horuka was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Death Note into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind her rhinocerus. Horuka was exasperated but at least the Death Note was concealed. The doorbell rang. ‘Come in,’ Horuka indiscriminately purred. With a careful push, Mia opened the door. ‘Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive social outcast in a ’modded’ Civic,’ she lied. ’It’s fine,’ Horuka assured her. Mia took a seat right next to where Horuka had hidden the Death Note. Horuka yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. ‘Uhh, can I get you anything?’ she blurted. But Mia was distracted. A few unfulfilled decades later, Horuka noticed a pestering look on Mia’s face. Mia slowly opened her mouth to speak. ‘…What’s that smell?’ Horuka felt a stabbing pain in her armpit when Mia asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Death Note right by her oscillating fan. ‘Wh-what? I don’t smell anything..!’ A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Mia’s face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. ‘Th-th-those are just my grandma’s gerbils from when she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh…dropped ‘em by here earlier’. Mia nodded with fake acknowledgement…then, before Horuka could react, Mia randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Death Note was plainly in view. Mia stared at Horuka for what what must’ve been five nanoseconds. Ever so extemperaneously, Horuka groped wildly in Mia’s direction, clearly desperate. Mia grabbed the Death Note and bolted for the door. It was locked. Horuka let out a exotic chuckle. ‘If only you hadn’t been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Mia,’ she rebuked. Horuka always had been a little insensitive, so Mia knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Horuka did something crazy, like… start chucking wolverines at her or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, she gripped her Death Note tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. Horuka looked on, blankly. ‘What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.’ Silence from Mia. ‘And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago…it never ends!’ Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Mia. ‘Oh. You ..okay?’ Still silence. Horuka walked over to the window and looked down. Mia was gone.
o0o——Just yonder, Mia was struggling to make her way through the secret vineyard behind Horuka’s place. Mia had severely hurt her armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Foxs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Death Note. One by one they latched on to Mia. Already weakened from her injury, Mia yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Foxs running off with her Death Note. About nine hours later, Mia awoke, her ear throbbing. It was dark and Mia did not know where she was. Deep in the mysterious lemur-infested moor, Mia was excessively lost. A few freaknasty minutes later, she remembered that her Death Note was taken by the Foxs. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That’s when, to her horror, a enormous Fox emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha Fox. Mia opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the Fox sunk its teeth into Mia’s love handle. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Mia’s lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure. Less than six miles away, Horuka was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Death Note. ‘MY PRECIOUS!!’ she cried, as she reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a heroic thrust, she buried it deeply into her kidney. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Mia… wishing she had found the courage to tell her that she loved her. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the Death Note that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn’s reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Foxs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would’ve lived happily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :’(