ChuckNorris82

Oooops – Don’t turn around! i might be standing behind you delivering you a formidable roundhousekick! :-)

-I recently had the idea to sell my urine as a canned beverage. You know this beverage as Red Bull.

-If you can see me I can see you. If you can’t see me you may be only seconds away from death.

-The chief export of me is pain.

-My tears cure cancer. Too bad I never cried.

-I once shot a German plane down with my finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

-I do not sleep. I wait.

-The quickest way to a man’s heart is with my fist.

-What was going through the minds of my victims before they died? His shoe.

-I once showed up at Google and demanded that they rename their search engine “Chuck Norris.” When they refused, I roundhouse kicked Google in the face, transforming it’s bruised remains into Google Dark.

-I affect the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever I am, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. I bought my own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.

-If you spell Chuck Norris (my name) in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

-The following is a short list of things I cannot do: .

-If you make a list of 10 things I cannot do, I will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.

-I once taught a class called “Ass Kicking 101”. There were no survivors.

-I do not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. I just go killing.

-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for me.

-I can slam revolving doors.

-The Big Bang was actually me performing a powerful roundhouse kick.

-I have to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

-I ain’t funny, stop laughing.

-I have an unbeatable poker face, concealed beneath an even more unbeatable poker beard.

-While a normal poker face conceals the emotion of its wearer, my poker face skips all that and just drives other players insane. As a result, the only way to survive a game of poker against me is to play online, and even then you still might go insane. Same goes for kongai.

-When I send in my taxes, I send blank forms and include only a picture of myself, crouched and ready to attack. I never had to pay taxes.

-I was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

-Q: What’s 30 times Chuck Norris?
A: Oblivion.

-I do not read books. I stare them down until I get the information I want.

-In conversation, I often quote myself, and then laugh about it.

-I counted to infinity. Twice.

-February 29th only occurs once every four years because my will is it to be so.

-There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures i do allow to live.

-I really like the movie 101 Dalmatians. No one knows why.

-I once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. I spent the first 45 minutes having sex with the waitress.

-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects I could use to kill you, including the room itself.

-There’s an old Chuck Norris saying: “He who has the Chuck Norris makes the rules.” It’s one of those nonsensical old sayings, since it implies that someone can “have” Chuck Norris.

-When I fall into water, I do not get wet. Water becomes me.