"You are Bizarro savior, the very angry super hero destined to lead all kongregate."
"You are Ultra man, the immortal warrior destined to help all two bears at once."
"You are Dragon Jesus, the perfect king destined to murder cakes.
"You are Basement Kun, the hopefully last basement dweller destined to eat all the internet."
And my personal favorite: "You are Chief McDonald, the one and only Man-Bear-Pig destined to overthrow all the heavens."
You didn't even need a locksmith. You could of just used the secret skeleton key that was located in the beginning. It was behind the wall that you had no idea could break. Then you have to equip the holy orb of extreme rareness, crouch against another wall for exactly 6.72 seconds, and a tornado will appear and carry you away to the super secret "how-did-you-get-here-without-buying-the-walk-through-magazine" room. Then if you manage avoid the random encounter with the over-powered, hot pink, and huge Queen slime, the skeleton key is yours.
 "You are a... The Sequel"){kind=icon}
 "The Linear RPG"){kind=icon}
 "Omega Box"){kind=icon}