Elismina

Greetings, peasants. I am Elismina, a dangerous housecat who was raised by rabid wolves in the Amazon rainforest. After outgrowing their tired way of life (meaning I was sick of them acting like we were some kind of family rather than killing each other), I proceeded to travel to Mexico, where I was trianed by ninja mice to destroy the world. This plan was ambitious, easy, but frankly very boring to me, so after learning everything the mice could teach me, I proceeded to eat them all for a light snack and traveled further North to the United States of America. The puny humans there tried to tame me with their civilty and house rules. I responded by hijacking their cars and destroying cities en masse. Still perturbed, I continued my journey into Canada, met some trasvestite lumberjacks and quickly fled in terror to the land of Alaska where I finally found a semipermanent home with some Polar Bears. They offered one of their cubs to me, and I used it as my personal chariot. After once more growing restless, I ordered my chariot to swin me across the frigid waters to the land of Russia, where I secretly deposed the secret police and…

Ok, ok, so this obviously isn’t my real backstory, but it’s closer to the truth than anything I’d ever share on the internet!