JaymeLieve

FACTS:

My life is one of luxury.
My ear is exactly .6 inches bigger than my second toe.
I enjoy a nice cup of CLR every once and a while.
I live with a cactus, but he is always late on the rent and I’m thinking of evicting him.
I’m not quite as tall as a fake tree, carnivorous chesterfield or a tall guy on stilts.
I dye my hair a lot.
My eyes are actually made of lactose-free milk.
I often find myself enduring sewer adventures.
I despise the word “futon”.
I am very compact, as I can fit in a dryer from the ’60’s.
Macaroni and cheese reminds me of Dragon Ball Z for reasons that I am still unaware of.
I can destroy a helicopter with nun chucks while jumping a shark on a skateboard.
I do not have moose for feet.
I really like art that can depict the reality of a good plate of nachos.
Polar bears line the insides of my muscles to keep me warm.
I eat children; they taste like vengeance.
Sometimes my hands become fireproof; in these times, I like to visit nearby fire stations and save kittens from flaming trees. I also dare to not use oven-mitts, but that’s drawing the line.
I don’t like the colouring choices of carrots.
My favourite colour is purple because it reminds me of the bruises I get from angry mothers who come after me with heavy diaper bags and strollers above their heads for flinging their offspring into traffic.
I don’t have ears, but instead semi-circle shaped skin-flaps that aid my hearing, why must I be different?
I’m a grammar nazi and a spelling nazi; one time a guy said “your” as if it was a contraction so I had him assassinated.
Finger moustaches are a must to my everyday wardrobe.
I’m more explosive than a kitten. I’ve never heard of a kitten not made of napalm, what do you mean kittens aren’t explosive?
It is quite possible that I am really Kermit the frog in a people suit.
I love Kool-Aid and FiveAlive. They give me Five Aids to tell me it’s Kool to be Alive. (AHAHAH I AM SO FUNNY.)
Eye-patches are an attractive addition to my face.
I hate people with fat hair.
I prefer elephants to seafood chowders.
I am 46% iron; I probably shouldn’t go outside in thunderstorms.
My eyebrows do not taste relevant to linguine.
I wouldn’t recommend scuba diving in a volcano.