Hey HEy HEy its hawky. since i had to take major proportions of my real account off im putting it on here :)
old testament rules-Round haircuts. See you in Hell, Beatles… and kids with bowl cuts, surfer cuts or (my favorite) butt cuts. Lev. 19:27 reads “You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.”
Fortune telling. Lev. 19:31 reads “Do not turn to mediums or spiritists; do not seek them out to be defiled by them.” The penalty for that? Check Lev. 20:6: “As for the person who turns to mediums and to spiritists, I will also set My face against that person and will cut him off from among his people.” Seems like a lifetime of exile is a pretty harsh penalty for talking to Zoltar.
Pulling out. The Bible doesn’t get too much into birth control… it’s clearly pro-populating but, back when it was written, no one really anticipated the condom or the sponge, so those don’t get specific bans. But… pulling out does. One of the most famous sexual-oriented Bible verses… mistaken for masturbation, actaully its pulling out. Gen. 38:9-10: “Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground. What he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord; so He took his life also.” Yep — pull out and get smote. That’s harsh.
Tattoos. Lev. 19:28 reads, “You shall not make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.” Not even a little butterfly on your ankle. Or Thug Life across your abdomen. Or even, fittingly enough, a cross.
Polyester, or any other fabric blends. The Bible doesn’t want you to wear polyester. Not just because it looks cheap. It’s sinfully unnatural.Lev. 19:19 reads, “You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.” Check the tag on your shirt right now. Didn’t realize you were mid-sin at this exact second, did you? (Unless you checked the tag by rolling off your neighbor’s wife while you two were having anal sex in the middle of robbing a blind guy. Then your Lycra-spandex blend is really the least of your problems.)
Divorce. The Bible is very clear on this one. You can’t do it. Because when you marry someone, according to Mark 10:8, you “are no longer two, but one flesh.” And, Mark 10:9 reads, “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Mark gets even more hardcore about it a few verses later, “He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.’”
Letting people without testicles into church. Whether you’ve been castrated or lost one or two balls to cancer isn’t important. The Bible doesn’t get that specific. Deut 23:1 reads “A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord.”
The next verse says that if you’re a bastard, the child of a bastard… or even have a 10x great grandchild of a bastard, you can’t come to church. Deut 23:2 reads, “No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the Lord; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”
Wearing gold. 1 Tim 2:9 doesn’t like your gold necklace at all. Or your pearl necklace. Or any clothes you’re wearing that you didn’t get from Forever 21, Old Navy or H&M.“Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”
Lobster, shrimp and clam chowder: All banned. Shellfish. Lev 11:10 reads, “But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you.” And shellfish is right in that wheelhouse.
Lev 11 bans a TON of animals from being eaten; beyond shellfish and pig, it also says you can’t eat camel, rock badger, rabbit, eagle, vulture, buzzard, falcon, raven, crow, ostrich, owl, seagull, hawk, pelican, stork, heron, and bat,just to name a few. seriously theres more. Sorry if that totally ruins your plans to go to a rock badger eat-off this weekend.
Your wife defending your life in a fight by grabbing your attacker’s genitals. No joke. Deut. actually devotes two verses to this exact scenario: Deut 25:11-12. “If two men are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.” That’s impossible to misinterpret. Ladies, if your husband is getting mugged, make sure to kick the mugger in the pills. do the grip and squeeze? Then guess what? Your hand needs to be cut off
Hey HEy HEy its hawky. since i had to take major proportions of my real account off im putting it on here :)
old testament rules-Round haircuts. See you in Hell, Beatles… and kids with bowl cuts, surfer cuts or (my favorite) butt cuts. Lev. 19:27 reads “You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.”
Fortune telling. Lev. 19:31 reads “Do not turn to mediums or spiritists; do not seek them out to be defiled by them.” The penalty for that? Check Lev. 20:6: “As for the person who turns to mediums and to spiritists, I will also set My face against that person and will cut him off from among his people.” Seems like a lifetime of exile is a pretty harsh penalty for talking to Zoltar.
Pulling out. The Bible doesn’t get too much into birth control… it’s clearly pro-populating but, back when it was written, no one really anticipated the condom or the sponge, so those don’t get specific bans. But… pulling out does. One of the most famous sexual-oriented Bible verses… mistaken for masturbation, actaully its pulling out. Gen. 38:9-10: “Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground. What he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord; so He took his life also.” Yep — pull out and get smote. That’s harsh.
Tattoos. Lev. 19:28 reads, “You shall not make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.” Not even a little butterfly on your ankle. Or Thug Life across your abdomen. Or even, fittingly enough, a cross.
Polyester, or any other fabric blends. The Bible doesn’t want you to wear polyester. Not just because it looks cheap. It’s sinfully unnatural.Lev. 19:19 reads, “You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.” Check the tag on your shirt right now. Didn’t realize you were mid-sin at this exact second, did you? (Unless you checked the tag by rolling off your neighbor’s wife while you two were having anal sex in the middle of robbing a blind guy. Then your Lycra-spandex blend is really the least of your problems.)
Divorce. The Bible is very clear on this one. You can’t do it. Because when you marry someone, according to Mark 10:8, you “are no longer two, but one flesh.” And, Mark 10:9 reads, “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Mark gets even more hardcore about it a few verses later, “He said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.’”
Letting people without testicles into church. Whether you’ve been castrated or lost one or two balls to cancer isn’t important. The Bible doesn’t get that specific. Deut 23:1 reads “A man whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off may never join the assembly of the Lord.”
The next verse says that if you’re a bastard, the child of a bastard… or even have a 10x great grandchild of a bastard, you can’t come to church. Deut 23:2 reads, “No one of illegitimate birth shall enter the assembly of the Lord; none of his descendants, even to the tenth generation, shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”
Wearing gold. 1 Tim 2:9 doesn’t like your gold necklace at all. Or your pearl necklace. Or any clothes you’re wearing that you didn’t get from Forever 21, Old Navy or H&M.“Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”
Lobster, shrimp and clam chowder: All banned. Shellfish. Lev 11:10 reads, “But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you.” And shellfish is right in that wheelhouse.
Lev 11 bans a TON of animals from being eaten; beyond shellfish and pig, it also says you can’t eat camel, rock badger, rabbit, eagle, vulture, buzzard, falcon, raven, crow, ostrich, owl, seagull, hawk, pelican, stork, heron, and bat,just to name a few. seriously theres more. Sorry if that totally ruins your plans to go to a rock badger eat-off this weekend.
Your wife defending your life in a fight by grabbing your attacker’s genitals. No joke. Deut. actually devotes two verses to this exact scenario: Deut 25:11-12. “If two men are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.” That’s impossible to misinterpret. Ladies, if your husband is getting mugged, make sure to kick the mugger in the pills. do the grip and squeeze? Then guess what? Your hand needs to be cut off
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