morgoth1

When I die, I hope to go peacefully in my sleep, like my father. Not screaming and flailing, like his passengers…

As a Satanist, I told my girlfriend that she had to give up her yoga lessons, she said that I had to let the people in my cellar go. I told her that we both had to make sacrifices…

My local Lord Of The Rings themed restaurant is only taking phone bookings, apparently one does not simply walk into order…

I knew a high court judge who moonlighted as a doctor, he ended up trying his own patients.

Holy crap, I’m tired. I decided to take advantage of the Chinese pharmaceutical industry and went to Africa to poach a rhino….Have you any idea idea how big a saucepan or how much boiling water that requires????!!!!

I have a friend who worked in a furniture factory. He got some terrible injuries after falling into the re-upholstering machine. But it’s ok, last I heard was that he was fully recovered….

We have a TV channel called Yesterday, that shows mostly repeats.
But apparently The day After Tomorrow is on Yesterday next thursday……confusing

The other day I saw a bald, rotund, smiling oriental man wearing yellow robes. I ran up to him and asked him if he was the enlightened leader of an Asian religion…he said no. Afterwards, I thought, I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.

I was thrown out of my local anarchist group for breaking their rules.

Last week, whilst in a restaurant, the waiter came over and asked me if I liked my meat rare? I replied yes. He said, good, enjoy your white rhino steak.

My uncle is a grave digger, he suffered a breakdown at a funeral last month, he totally lost the plot…

I have come up with an idea, 70’s style trousers covered with photo-voltaic cells so they generate energy from light…. I call them solar flares

I once met what I thought was a slug, turned out it was a snail who couldn’t keep up his mortgage payments. I once met a slightly hard of hearing genii who granted me 1 wish. When I looked up, there was a foot high little guy in a black suit playing a tiny piano. I looked at the genii and said, no, not a twelve inch pianist… If all the security personnel working for religious cults suddenly resigned, would that result in unprotected sects? Does anyone else think that the good guys in Lord Of The Rings should have made a small space to treat their enemies in their hospitals? Or would that have been a little orc ward? a guy walks into a chinese restaraunt and the waiter takes his order. 5 minutes later a mallard walks up him at the table with a bunch of roses and tells him he has lovely eyes. the guy shouts at the waiter, Oi mate I said aromatic duck! I was in a new supermarket today, looking for the alcohol section, when suddenly this man turns up and brought me to the right location where I found my brand of gin. I turned around and he was gone… I think he may have been my spirit guide

I have a friend who hurts animals and enjoys planning ways to hurt people, but he is constantly run over by people on bicycles. He went to his doctor and it turns out he really is a cycle path

I remember bringing my nephews and niece to a really terrible animal wildlife preserve, turned out that instead of having loads of different animals, they only had loads of only one breed of dog:
it was a shitzu

Irony is the taste of the nails I accidentally shot through my face with the nail gun putting up a “Be careful at work sign”