• With chubby friends a see-saw can easily become a catapult.
• I went into a CVS and looked at the cards for sick people, and they all said “Get well soon”, I didn’t think that was forceful enough so I took one and wrote “Screw that Get Well Soon NOW!!!”
• Drunk drivers are dangerous, even more dangerous, is a drunk backseat driver, if they’re persuasive. “Dude turn left up here”, “but those are tree’s”, “…..Trust me”.
• If a little bird got knocked out what would it see flying around its head?
• What’s the point of pajamas with pockets, what would you be carrying in your sleep?
• All, I repeat, all girls on the internet that are interested in you are guys.
• A Frisbee is one of the few things that you can throw at someone’s face and it’s ok.
• If you’re looking for a laugh text a random number “I’m pregnant and it’s yours”.
• If I owned a book store I’d make the mystery section really hard to find. It’d be like “Hey where’s the mystery section?”, “That’s a damn good question”.
• In Spanish speaking countries soccer is called futbol, a game where you pass, block, stop and score with your feet. However in the united states football is a game where you hold, catch, pass and block with your hands, weird huh?
• Is it just me or does Dora the explorer never go home I mean every other day you see her with all these weird animals that would, normally, never hang out together like a bull, a squirrel, an iguana, and a monkey. But you never see her house or her parents!
• Cheerleading was invented to teach girls that its ok to have small boobs as long as you’re really flexible.To any cheerleaders that might read this I’m just kidding….sort of
• I’m sorry and I apologize mean two different things at a funeral; I’m sorry means that you feel for their loss, I apologize means that you killed the person.
• I hear people say things like “Transformers 2 didn’t make any sense”, I think that’s funny because it’s a movie about giant talking car-robots, how much sense did you think it was going to make?
• Revisions on childhood tips and rules:
1. Don’t talk to strangers—Unless you want to make any friends, ever.
2. Look both ways before you cross the street—Unless you’re on a one way street, or in a ghetto in which case look both ways and stay low the entire time you’re there.
3. An apple a day keeps the doctor away—Guns, knives, or heavier fruit will also work.
4. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me—unless the person is really good at insulting you in which case you might cry.
• The robe was created when someone said “Hey let’s make a robe out of a towel”.
• If you get kicked in the face I think that you deserved it, because that means you watched the foot come to your face.
• Cock Block—the act of ruining a friends plan of how to get a girl to sleep with him, thus blocking the cock. Example: While talking to a girl at the bar John’s drunk friend, Mike, walked up to him and said “Hey John how’s the wife and kids?”
• Jumping on the grenade—the act of talking to the ugliest person in a group of people so that your friends can go talk to the more attractive members of the group, thus sacrificing yourself. Example: “OK 3 pretty and 1 ugly, go jump on that grenade mike”.Side note—DO NOTMARRYTHEGRENADE
• Sometimes when I’ve had a bad day I take a home pregnancy test so I can say “Well at least I’m not pregnant”.
• When someone gets put on life insurance they are pretty much being told “Well at least if you die, I’ll be ok”.
• If someone (let’s say Paris Hilton) is worth a million dollars (like Paris Hilton is) and they sleep with a lot of people (like Paris Hilton does) do they get depreciated like a car once it’s driven off the lot?
• Alphabet Soup never has the entire alphabet in it.
• Falcon Punch—The act of punching something or someone with such force that they either fly into the distance or explode. Example: “Hey guys the tv’s broken” “Falcon Punch!” “Now it’s on fire, thanks a lot”*Visual Aid Below*
• A friend of mine has a hat, which has a choking hazard tag in it. Who’s trying to eat his hat!?!
• Have you ever heard something really awkward and then try to act like you didn’t hear it? It sucks because you could be deep into an intelligent and articulate conversation, and then some guy across the room screams out “Kangaroo Penis!!!”, now you have to act like you didn’t just hear someone yell kangaroo penis.
• Rule 34- If it exists then pornographic material exists for it.
• Rule 35- If it pornographic material doesn’t exist it will be created.
• Another childhood revision:
Never run with scissors- Unless you need to cut something really fast.
As long as you put your mind to it, you can be anything you want- Bull, I’ve wanted to be a ninja for as long as I can remember.
The big boys/girls don’t cry- watch any reality TV show and you’ll find out that a lot of the big people cry.
If you keep making faces your face will stay that way-Actually a lot of people make a living doing stupid looking faces like Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, and Carlos Mencia.
• In L.A. they don’t have normal seasons, in normal places they have summer, winter spring, and fall. In L.A. they have Summer, Earthquake, Brushfire, and Oh My God I’m On Fire!
• Humanity is a strange race, I mean we invent the car but then forget where we parked it when we go shopping. I mean it’s only a 2 ton hunk of metal that you’re still making payments on, why on earth would you want to remember where you parked it!?!
• Tsunami’s give you a hint that they’re coming because the water recedes about 2 miles back. That should be a big enough hint if you get to the beach and the beach isn’t even there!
• Bread is the only thing you can burn and then it’s called something else, which is toast.
• Michael Jordan is one of the best basketball players of all time, that being said, he would suck as a coach. Can you imagine the pressure, “ Come on guys why isn’t anyone dunking from half court?!?”
• With chubby friends a see-saw can easily become a catapult.
• I went into a CVS and looked at the cards for sick people, and they all said “Get well soon”, I didn’t think that was forceful enough so I took one and wrote “Screw that Get Well Soon NOW!!!”
• Drunk drivers are dangerous, even more dangerous, is a drunk backseat driver, if they’re persuasive. “Dude turn left up here”, “but those are tree’s”, “…..Trust me”.
• If a little bird got knocked out what would it see flying around its head?
• What’s the point of pajamas with pockets, what would you be carrying in your sleep?
• All, I repeat, all girls on the internet that are interested in you are guys.
• A Frisbee is one of the few things that you can throw at someone’s face and it’s ok.
• If you’re looking for a laugh text a random number “I’m pregnant and it’s yours”.
• If I owned a book store I’d make the mystery section really hard to find. It’d be like “Hey where’s the mystery section?”, “That’s a damn good question”.
• In Spanish speaking countries soccer is called futbol, a game where you pass, block, stop and score with your feet. However in the united states football is a game where you hold, catch, pass and block with your hands, weird huh?
• Is it just me or does Dora the explorer never go home I mean every other day you see her with all these weird animals that would, normally, never hang out together like a bull, a squirrel, an iguana, and a monkey. But you never see her house or her parents!
• Cheerleading was invented to teach girls that its ok to have small boobs as long as you’re really flexible.To any cheerleaders that might read this I’m just kidding….sort of
• I’m sorry and I apologize mean two different things at a funeral; I’m sorry means that you feel for their loss, I apologize means that you killed the person.
• I hear people say things like “Transformers 2 didn’t make any sense”, I think that’s funny because it’s a movie about giant talking car-robots, how much sense did you think it was going to make?
• Revisions on childhood tips and rules:
1. Don’t talk to strangers—Unless you want to make any friends, ever.
2. Look both ways before you cross the street—Unless you’re on a one way street, or in a ghetto in which case look both ways and stay low the entire time you’re there.
3. An apple a day keeps the doctor away—Guns, knives, or heavier fruit will also work.
4. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me—unless the person is really good at insulting you in which case you might cry.
• The robe was created when someone said “Hey let’s make a robe out of a towel”.
• If you get kicked in the face I think that you deserved it, because that means you watched the foot come to your face.
• Cock Block—the act of ruining a friends plan of how to get a girl to sleep with him, thus blocking the cock. Example: While talking to a girl at the bar John’s drunk friend, Mike, walked up to him and said “Hey John how’s the wife and kids?”
• Jumping on the grenade—the act of talking to the ugliest person in a group of people so that your friends can go talk to the more attractive members of the group, thus sacrificing yourself. Example: “OK 3 pretty and 1 ugly, go jump on that grenade mike”.Side note—DO NOTMARRYTHEGRENADE
• Sometimes when I’ve had a bad day I take a home pregnancy test so I can say “Well at least I’m not pregnant”.
• When someone gets put on life insurance they are pretty much being told “Well at least if you die, I’ll be ok”.
• If someone (let’s say Paris Hilton) is worth a million dollars (like Paris Hilton is) and they sleep with a lot of people (like Paris Hilton does) do they get depreciated like a car once it’s driven off the lot?
• Alphabet Soup never has the entire alphabet in it.
• Falcon Punch—The act of punching something or someone with such force that they either fly into the distance or explode. Example: “Hey guys the tv’s broken” “Falcon Punch!” “Now it’s on fire, thanks a lot”*Visual Aid Below*
• A friend of mine has a hat, which has a choking hazard tag in it. Who’s trying to eat his hat!?!
• Have you ever heard something really awkward and then try to act like you didn’t hear it? It sucks because you could be deep into an intelligent and articulate conversation, and then some guy across the room screams out “Kangaroo Penis!!!”, now you have to act like you didn’t just hear someone yell kangaroo penis.
• Rule 34- If it exists then pornographic material exists for it.
• Rule 35- If it pornographic material doesn’t exist it will be created.
• Another childhood revision:
Never run with scissors- Unless you need to cut something really fast.
As long as you put your mind to it, you can be anything you want- Bull, I’ve wanted to be a ninja for as long as I can remember.
The big boys/girls don’t cry- watch any reality TV show and you’ll find out that a lot of the big people cry.
If you keep making faces your face will stay that way-Actually a lot of people make a living doing stupid looking faces like Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, and Carlos Mencia.
• In L.A. they don’t have normal seasons, in normal places they have summer, winter spring, and fall. In L.A. they have Summer, Earthquake, Brushfire, and Oh My God I’m On Fire!
• Humanity is a strange race, I mean we invent the car but then forget where we parked it when we go shopping. I mean it’s only a 2 ton hunk of metal that you’re still making payments on, why on earth would you want to remember where you parked it!?!
• Tsunami’s give you a hint that they’re coming because the water recedes about 2 miles back. That should be a big enough hint if you get to the beach and the beach isn’t even there!
• Bread is the only thing you can burn and then it’s called something else, which is toast.
• Michael Jordan is one of the best basketball players of all time, that being said, he would suck as a coach. Can you imagine the pressure, “ Come on guys why isn’t anyone dunking from half court?!?”
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