yopeaceo

Wellllll… when I was two I was kidnapped by the Chinese government where I then learned to be a Chinese-bred ninja and got my living catching evil mutant ancient communist samurai geckos from Russia for the Chinese Mob/government (same thing). After 4 years of tracking down the Russian spies I was deployed at the age of 6 to Iraq where I met this guy with a Turban and ate a burrito-type-thingy and IT CHANGED MY LIFE. MY EYES OPENED WIDE, and I thought in these exact words “魚番茄好不好塔科壞腹瀉” and I from that moment forth I declared, and I declared loudly- that I would never again let the green peas touch the mashed potatoes on a Sunday afternoon at 11:30:27 while wearing a propeller hat and levi’s jeans and no shirt on. From that day forth, and completely because of that one event, I dedicated my life to the relentless and grueling task of lowering my cholesterol by eating Kellogg’s Honey Nut Cheerios as a part of healthy and balanced diet. I then died of malnutrition+heart and liver failure but was then resuscitated by a Portuguese masseuse in Venezuela where I roamed the streets as a masked vigilante known as BOBTHECONQUERERERERERREURURER and I lived happily forever after until I was beaten up by some gigantic (AT LEAST 30KG… which is like AT LEAST 500 LBS) 4th grader named Juan Dominguez Des Montesquieu de Boyardee Sumalalaa Chen III the 9th. I was left with ten traumatic brain injuries to my left forearm and 4 blood vessel ruptures in my bone marrow. When I woke up, I did not seek revenge, but instead led a path of forgiveness and self righteousness, leading me to return to China to become a monk. At the age of 9 and 1/2 I was a full fledged monk living in the mountains of that place in China that has mountains, where, in the words of the great master monk “當我使船尾燃燒它燃燒時，我撒尿”. So with the whole monk establishment left horrified and broken, I mooned the emperor and was exiled to Siberia where I started my Campaign against world Camelid hunger primarily to feed my pet llama which I found abandoned on Saturn all alone, cold and stuck in a pile of asparagus. In Siberia I enlisted hundreds of thousands of evil caribou with the assurance of world domination and led them to take Moscow. In Moscow they all backed out on me and I is all like “WHAAA” and dey all like “HUHHH” and I like “U CANT DO DIS” and dey like “C YA BROOOO” so I overthrew Russian democratic rule and installed a flufficratic government where i ruled as Czar Snuffleupagus III until I was 11 years old when I flew on my pterodactyl parade across the Atlantic and to my birthplace, aretherereallyanycitieshere?, Greenland (I was raised by wolves). Where I claimed all the land and dominion over the 5 eskimos that live there, then got bored and flew to America where I invented Twitter and bought out MTV as a way to slowly corrode the minds of the young allowing me-with time- to destroy the pitiful existence that we call the “New Jersey Shore” . I to this very day await that day when I can lead a revolt on New Jersey and start the new nation- “Ugly Jersey”. Ensuring that there will never by a New Jersey Shore ever again.