READ ME FIRST! THIS POST IS A JOKE!
Disclaimer: While I thought this was funny, apparently some people didn’t realize that this was a joke. SevereFlame is not a Kongregate admin (note the lack of a red K next to his name) and the images that he put together were meant as satire. We are not going to start charging for access to forums, nor are we making your profiles look like MyFace. :-P
Edit: Apparently even with this big disclaimer up here people are still not noticing, so I added a giant “Read me first” to the top. Here’s hoping people can notice that…
I’m sure some of you Kongregators out there are a little worried about the new GameStop deal. Yes, we are going to change a little, but we’ll change for the better! None of this should affect you Kongregate users TOO much. Let’s go over the changes.. in PICTURES!
Screenshot One: New Homepage; Premium Games
OOOOH NOO! We can imagine your reaction to this already. Hear us out. Only certain games will be premium, and they’ll be very cheap! Plus, along with the games, there will be offers for cards to use in KONGAI!
Also, we changed our homepage a little. You won’t notice unless you have OCD. ;)
Screenshot Two: New Game Page; Kred Reminders
When you’re low on Kreds, occasionally a little message will pop up reminding you that you can purchase kreds. You’ll hardly notice them, and they will NOT interrupt your game.
Also, we made TINY TINY changes to the game page. This is mostly just technical stuff.
Screenshot Three: New Forum Page; Forum Packages
To help stop spammers, we’ve added forum packages. These forum packages will allow you to post and view all forums besides Kongregate and Techincal. We’ve also fixed the watch topic button, so if you pay for the PVW-T (Posting, Voices, Watch-Topic), you’ll be able to use it!
Again, we’ve made tiny little insignificant microscopic changes to the forum pages which you will never ever notice. Ever.
Screenshot Four: Completely Revamped Profile Page
Does your profile page look boring right now? If you answered anything but “YES”, you’re lying. We at Kongregate are proud to introduce personalized profile pages! For just $2.99` you can pimp yo profile page with font customizations, size changes, background changes, and even treating visitors with a little music!``
``(costs $1.99 extra)
We’ve also taken out the useless badge section and added a kreds buyer screen! Just to make it easier for you guys to buy our kreds!
Also, we’ve made ONE TINY OBSCURE IRRELEVANT MICROSCOPIC BARELY-NOTICEABLE change to the profile page. You will never notice it. It is impossible for you to notice it. If you noticed it, the laws of the universe will have been broken. We drew a picture of you noticing the change and showed it to MC Escher. We had to pay his hospital bill. THAT’S how unnoticeable the change is.
Screenshot Five: The Big Beta Tag Removing Event! (Paid Membership); New Sign Up Page
After the above changes are implemented, there will be one week of silence where we warn you about the MAJOR MAJOR event. This event will change your Kongregate experience forever. One week after the change, paid membership will be implemented. To make accounts, you will have to pay a low price of $1.99
But it gets better! Current Kongregate users will have to pay NOTHING!``` That’s right, you get to keep your account for free! That’s why the week is there. Make accounts while you can!
This new account membership will help stop spammers! After all, how many spammers would THINK of making accounts when they cost $1.99 each? That’s some expensive spamming!
Also, we’ve made some MINUTE TINY SMALL SIZE-LESS MICROSCOPIC ATOM-SIZED NON-NOTICEABLE PRETTY MUCH INVISIBLE changes. If an atom was alive, even it wouldn’t notice this change. THIS CHANGE IS SMALLER THAN ONE QUARK. If a quark was alive, it would need a mega-super-duper-ultra-uber-powerful-microscope to MAYBE notice this change. But we doubt it would.
```(policy subject to change)
“Wait, but why would anyone make an account? For chat and forums? They can still play the free games for free! Why do these freeloaders get to play any game for free?”
That’s why we’re proud to introduce..
Screenshot Six: One-Minute Game Trials For Non-Accountees
Every person who tries to play a game on Kongregate that is non-paid will have one minute to try that game out. After one minute, a pop-up will appear informing that their free game trial is over, and give them the option to either go back to the main page or become a member. This will not affect you! It will just encourage people to sign up!
Screenshot Seven: Badge Page Clean Up
READ ME FIRST! THIS MESSAGE MIGHT NOT BE A JOKE!
If you are reading this, I am already dead.
At first, this deal seemed like a good idea. GameStop and Kongregate. Two game companies, together at last. But then they made me do this. All of these features you see here. It was me. I WAS THE KILLER OF KONGREGATE.
My wife and children left me because of it. Once these features were finished, the bastards at GameStop fired me. Oh God. Why did I do this? It is my fault. I AM SO SO SORRY.
Well, I guess this is it. The end of life. I killed Kongregate, so it’s only fair that I die too. I’m a coward though. I should live on. I should survive. I should at least let Kongregate kill me. But then again, that’s impossible. How can it kill me when it’s already dead?
I AM SO SORRY. I AM SO SORRY. I AM SO SORRY. I AM SO SORRY. I AM SO SORRY. I AM SO SORRY. Forgive me for the demon I’ve become.