Brian101
365 posts
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" Fire! " I screamed, pointing at a single zombie. My brother took the command, and blew the monster’s brains right onto the ground. " Let’s move! We need to get the survivors! " I yelled again. Eric, my older brother, ran to the front of the truck, and we were off. We just drove through the hordes. Bump. Bump. Bump. We simply ran over them. Easy as can be. I am starting a little late, though. I was starring at the telivision. Eric ( Who is 14 ) just sat and listened. " There have been reports of zombies, crowding the states of New York, Maine, And Ohio- " " OHIO!? " I screamed. " Oh shit… " Eric started. " We’re screwed. " He said. " Agh. Um… " I began, as I started to brainstorm. " The roof! " I said. " What about food? " Eric grumbled. " …Yeah… " I grunted. " We need to help. " Eric said. " Help what? " I questioned. " The survivors. Duhh. " He moaned. " Oh, well…Yeah… " I replied. " Okay, we need to get to the police station. " Eric said. " Why? " I questioned again. He scoffed. " Guns! " He said, in a louder voice. " Oh yeah. " I said. " But how do we get the- " " Truck. " He interupted. " What? " I asked. " THE TRUCK! " He pointed outside. " Oh " I said. One GENERIC TRAVEL MONTAGE later… Eric cocked the pistol back. He laughed. " Hey kid! Get off that! " A policeman yelled. " Why? I bet I have a better shot than you. " He pestered. " Hit that one in the head, then. " The cop pointed outside, to a zombie about 90 feet away. POP! It’s blood splattered onto the ground, it fell, then landed on its knees, then fell flat on the ground. " What again? " Eric said in a cocky, sarcastic tone.
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YukimuraSanada
182 posts
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is this a story? cuz if it is needs major work on the plot
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Brian101
365 posts
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You aren’t even one to talk, Yuki.
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YukimuraSanada
182 posts
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lol i bet you didint even read mine
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TheDarkFlame
2917 posts
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I agree with both of you. Stories need a lot more than this. And Yukimara, hie is much better, if only because he uses vague punctuation and maybe a dash of grammar as well.
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Marh
13619 posts
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The story is interesting, but lacks about everything a good story needs. Storyline? No. Set of characters? Barely. Conflict? Barely. Substory? No. Backstory? No. Provacative description/detail? No.
But, this story is interesting. So if added the actual elements of a story besides just a paragraph of ‘stuff’ with a blatant disregard for a good plot. Make it longer, and as an actual story, and this might be enjoyable to read.
Also, you might want to work on description, very little emphasis on the situation. You want to let your readers paint a picture, not a sloppy fragmented mindset.
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Brian101
365 posts
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Lol. This was a FAIL. I am just going to make a tread of my stories….LOCKY?
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MrWiggles49
1363 posts
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i didn’t read this because i’m a strong believer in paragraphs.
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