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Why I will never have a girlfriend. (locked)

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Post after post keeps coming looking for girl help or boy help or whatever you lot want in life. You know why I’ve never had a girlfriend? Only once have I told this story, and now I’ll tell it to you since I’m bored. Unless you have anything better to do, read on to discover just how I came to stop talking to girls I like and why.

The whole thing happened about a year ago. Know this: I’ve never thought myself the crush type. No one has ever had an effect on me, except for one girl. One girl made my heart beat faster, my stomach flip and flop, and made my twisted soul thirst for a life I had never experience or wanted before then. Without any sort of plan, I went up to her and said “Hello.”

Word on the OT is the number one thing you should do in a girl situation is simply talk to them. Too bad it didn’t really work out that way for me you see. How I though of the idea to go up to a girl I didn’t know and just randomly say “hello” is beyond me, not to mention it was just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Except, that stupid greeting couldn’t even compare to what was about to happen there.

Diarrhea is a funny thing. Really, the only thing funnier is spontaneous, explosive diarrhea. Until you experience it for yourself, you can’t really know what it feels like, but I’ll do my best to describe it. Long, liquid tendrils of waste and vileness seep down your legs as a horrid smell pervades the air. Every burst of crap comes with a distinctive sound between a fart, a sickly smack of gravy, and occasionally a splash. Sometimes, it’s silent, and if you should be in the unfortunate position to experience all this and still escape humiliation, fate surely smiles upon you.

If you didn’t know where this was going before, you certainly should now. Actually, I was lucky she considered it nothing more than an uncontrolled fart and merely passed it off with one of her heart-lifting smiles. Now I just had to get out of there without turning around and revealing the back of my tainted pants… Defeated in more ways than one, I looked for a way to escape and recover what little shred of dignity I hadn’t yet lost.

You can’t really walk backwards in school without hitting someone and risking making a scene. Sure some people can, but I’ve never been graceful. Of course I did it slowly and smoothly, taking small, careful steps back while trying to end our non-existent conversation with something generic: “See you tonight at the-“

See, this is why it sucks to be me. Dragged my way away from her and right into an administrator. Only an administrator would command me to face them and apologize for my rudeness, and, on instinct, I turned around to face the old, unhappy hag scolding me, realizing my mistake, that I had been so careful to avoid, too late, and there went the ball game.

This has been somewhat hard for me to tell you, but it’s also been nice to get it off my chest to people who don’t care. I never talked to her again, but she did talk to me, or rather, about me (as did a sizable portion of our class and, I have a sinking feeling, the administrators lol).

TLDR: I liked a girl, talked to her, and it didn’t work out because the human system of waste expulsion sucks. Now I don’t talk to girls I like.


All credits to Bangbangbang.

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You lost.

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hey, at least you don’t have implosive diarrhea….

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Everyone has lost so far.

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fucking copy pasta

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We are all victims to the WoW thread now that billy linked it.

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Damn you billy….