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Hallucent's Badass Meal Time v1.0

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Do you want to feel like a MAN? Do you want the ability to kill a GRIZZLY BEAR with nothing more than sheer will and the shirt on your back? Then look no further. Today I will show you how to eat like a WARRIOR. Pay attention kids.

Today’s badass recipe:

Shooter Sandwich

Feeds 3-4 people

What You Will Need

2 steaks (either Ribeye or Sirloin)
5-15 strips of bacon, depending on your taste
1 half of a large onion
1 whole green bell pepper
1 small package of sliced mushrooms
Your choice of cheese(s)
One large, round loaf of bread.
Wax Paper or Butcher’s Paper
Aluminum Foil

Directions

Step 1) CUT THAT SHIT.
I want you to cut open your bread like you are ripping out the intestines of a WILD BOAR. Leave a large opening equivalent to the size of the hole in your loveless heart.

Step 2) CHOP AND COOK LIKE A MADMAN.
I want you to chop your vegetables (onion, pepper, and mushrooms if needed) like you would slice up your enemies on a battlefield. Then you are to throw them all in a pan and SAUTÉ THE SHIT out of them. Leave no vegetable uncooked. Let your anger fuel the fires of the stove.

Step 3) MOTHERFUCKING BACON
Take the bacon out of the package. Use between 5-15 strips, whatever you prefer. Then fry them and set it all aside. Bacon is manly enough as it is.

 
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Step 4) KILL THE COW
Go find a cow, murder him, and chop his body into little fucking pieces. Inside, you should find two nicely cut steaks. I WANT YOU TO COOK THEM LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW. Cook them either on a grill, or in the frying pan. Leave them medium-rare and kind of bloody, because that’s how a REAL MAN eats them (also the fact that they will continue cooking later).

Step 5) SHOVE IT IN
Take those bloody steaks and shove it into the bread like you would shove a sword down someone’s throat. I want those steaks to be sitting at the bottom with NO FUCKING ESCAPE.

Step 6) BACONIZE IT
Place your bacon strips over the steak. Try to fill any gaps you may have.

Step 7) COVER THAT SHIT
Take your choice of cheese (I used Swiss) and cover your bacon. I want those little assholes to be robbed of all oxygen. Cover them like you would smother a newborn child with a pillow.

Step 8) SMASH
Take your vegetables and pack as much of them as you can into the bread. Then take your spatula and FUCKING SMASH THEM. I like to imagine I’m crushing kittens with a shovel. Show no mercy.

 
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Step 9) LIKE A FUCKING HAT
Take the top of the bread that you cut off, and replace it. That’s all.

Step 10) WRAP IT UP
Take your semi-finished product and wrap it in butcher’s paper (wax paper works in a pinch), then wrap it in 2-3 layers of aluminum foil. Wrap that shit up as if you were preparing your dick for a night of debauchery with a cheap whore.

Step 11) CRUSH THAT SHIT
Place your foil-wrapped sandwich under a hard-flat surface (large cutting board, wood, tile, etc). Then I want you to place as much fucking weight on it as possible. Crush it like you would crush the skulls of your enemies. Between 50-100 pounds is sufficient, depending on how flat you want your sandwich. I used 65 pounds.

Step 12) FUCKING WAIT
Let your sandwich sit under your weight for 3-6 hours. It will continue to cook the meat, and get very tender.

Step 13) CUT AND EAT
Cut into 3-4 slices and eat. Serve with a badass beverage. Preferably beer.


YOU NOW HAVE AN ACCEPTABLE SET OF TESTICLES
This meal will leave you filled with an ocean of testosterone.
Women will not be able to resist you.
Your enemies will drop where they stand.
Natural disasters and wars will halt in order to recognize your badassery.

YOU ARE A FUCKING MAN


Tune in next time for Hallucent’s Badass Meal Time v2.0

 
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that’s fetus

 
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fantastic, now my testicles can crush souls and wills of my enemies

thanks hallucent

 
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Ummm, i have a question:what should i do if i want the enemies that i crush to feel how much i love them instead of my weight?

 
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Originally posted by denamo:

Ummm, i have a question:what should i do if i want the enemies that i crush to feel how much i love them instead of my weight?

step 12
then step 5

 
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I’ve seen that somewhere, but can’t remember where.

 
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vegetables

I’m disappointed in you.

 
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You Sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.

 
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I don’t know what the finished product looks like.

Is it okay if it comes out as a newborn phoenix?

 
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I came

 
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If I don’t add the vegetables, can I still become a man?

 
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Originally posted by Noddles:

I don’t know what the finished product looks like.

Is it okay if it comes out as a newborn phoenix?

Yes.
Eat it like a MAN.

 
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I wish my man was manly enough to make me a delicious sandwich like that.

 
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Originally posted by pink_princess:

I wish my man was manly enough to make me a delicious sandwich like that.

My man has two jobs

 
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Originally posted by Varluxio:
Originally posted by pink_princess:

I wish my man was manly enough to make me a delicious sandwich like that.

My man has two jobs

my man is itching again

 
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The food tastes good. This is horrible. Badass foods are supposed to taste like shit. I give it a thumbs down.
~cllazyman

 
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My Shooter Sandwich just finished! I’ll post the finished product.



My testicles have nearly doubled in size, and I’m not even halfway through with eating it.

 
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that luk gud lik lagit i wan t 2 et 1 rite now

 
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I do the same thing. Impressive

 
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Wow, that sounds amazing.

 
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Honestly thinking about making this.

However, this will be tricky due to the fact that the only food I know how to make is scrambled eggs and mac & cheese.

 
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HOLY SHIT, I can see the PURE FUCKING TESTOSTERONE seeping out of that manwich.

 
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Wait, how does it continue to cook the meat?