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I want your opinion on what i should do next in my story and if you can draw the characters in manga style please.
An Intro If You Will
“Sit down immediately class I have no time for you to slowly gather around like mops”.
Another evil teacher here to boss us around well Millie will sort her out with her pranks.
I guess you could say that our class was well the naughty of the naughty and we had a reputation for it as well.
Not many people realize that I’m here most of the time but then again they never bother. I am always marked on the role. Which only happens by someone talks for me so that the teachers know I actually exist.
“Hey! Do you think she will notice it?” Millie questioned
“What are you two talking about” Mrs. Vorst roared
I was stunned didn’t she know about me being mute.
“She can’t actually speak she has no voice box!” Millie screamed out she seemed so angry about it.
“You two are coming with me this instant. Tell me she has no voice box! That’s the silliest thing anyone has come up with for an excuse”
She literally dragged us to the principles office by our ears.
“Principle Willis I need a moment with you this instant!”
“Come in.” He replied and he sounded angry too.
His office was small and square shaped. It also had horrible grey walls and black carpet on the floor.
“Why have you brought them here?”
“Millie has given me the laziest excuse known to man. That this one…” pointing to me with a wrinkly skinny finger “Can’t speak because she is mute”
“She is!” Both Millie and Principle Willis spoke in unison.
“Then how does she do her work or play hide and seek?”
Principle Willis explained airily that I use a Violin to play music for hide and seek so that not only do the kids find easily but also it makes the entire school very calm.
“Well you should have told me earlier Mr. Willis so that this would have never happened”
“I did tell you but you obviously haven’t bothered to notice or take in anything that I said. Also when she used to speak it was all in Japanese”
It has been 16 years since the evil incident has happened. And also now all the teachers notice me and well… I guess being able to speak now in fluent Japanese and Korean and English too is an added bonus.
But something is missing, I don’t know what it is, but all because of that incident I have been able to speak it’s strange, too strange if you ask me.
The Ghastly Beginning
It was just another day at high school in the library.
Quiet with a small buzz of people but nothing eccentric or anything that was noticeably different.
But as I sat down on the soft carpet there was a huge squelching noise coming from behind the window I turned around and saw it.
The window was covered in blood and in the centre was a face.
It was so disgusting and terrifying at the same time I screamed in shock.
The librarian ran over and saw. She stopped and backed away.
A hand was coming out of its mouth and going right through the window towards me; reaching out to grab me I wanted to move.
But something was holding me back.
There were hands everywhere around me.
And within in a second they were pulling me down, down, down.
All was black; a small spot of light was in the middle of all the blackness.
I walked slowly towards it, my shoes noisily moving across the floor.
I kept on moving towards it and when I was under the beam of light I fell and as I was falling I noticed that I felt like I was just lying down and that was when it all started…
He was there by my bed a blond handsomely cute boy with bright green eyes that were accompanied by gold rims.
He was tall to my eyes and he seemed quite unhappy.
“How are you feeling my lady?”
“My head hurts”.
Quickly rushing my hand to my forehead only to be stopped by his soft hands.
His hand left mine and he grabbed a damp cold towel that he placed on my forehead.
“Please be more careful princess?”
It was just a dream?
“How does your head feel now? Better?”
Where the hell, am I, and why the hell is a hot guy next to my bed? Have I been kidnapped? Wait he said princess…
“What happened I don’t remember anything?”
“Well princess you fell into the water fountain, hit your head and came over with a fever all in the past two hours. A new record.”
“Ok record for what?”
“That’s impossible Leon. Science proves that humans can never heal like that. How could I possibly heal myself in two hours”
“One you have temporary amnesia. Two you are not human whatever that is. And three all royals can self heal”
“You sucked all the awesomeness out of my life thanks a lot”
“That was sarcasm! Please tell me you know what sarcasm is?”
“Yes. I do know what sarcasm is I was just playing a joke on you”
“Oh thank lord. So I now declare you will help me fix my memory and until all of it is remembered you can not die”
“Why thank you princess.”
I suppose that a discussion of the literary merits of this piece could fit in with the mindset of SD, thus, I accept your challenge.
Read it, did not like. For starts, punctuation and just line formatting is a mess, which makes it a difficult read.
Word choice is bland, or has no precedent- descriptive words are either not there, or random.
The plot jumps around a bit, and I feel much has been left out- fine, if you’ve written an entire novel, but you’ve written two very short chapters of a story. It needs to be complete if you’re going to jump around, or it needs to be more linear.
Read some basic guides to writing, and put this on a website that does such things all the time- there are many good ones out there.
The chapter before the chapter is called an prologue. I find your story interesting. I can’t really say how good it is, because I also like to write, and I’m not too sure how great mine is, and that’s what I would compare yours to.