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A New Legend Begins Pleas Read. (locked)

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This is a book i am writing and i want to know if anyone can tell me about what you like and what you dislike and a name for this story. I claim all art and if i see any of this art any wear i will sue you…Unless i give you permission of course
“Once upon a time” what a great way to start a story or we could say “In the beginning” But that’s not important now…so lets just start it off like this.
A time ago before there were any computers or really any technology that we have today off on the green plains in some far off land there lived a family a boy child no older then Nine and his little sister who was Eight with a mother and father.
they lived a normal life in that time the father would go out into there farm and work all day to grow there family some food to sell at the market…But one day that all changed in a nearby land there were rumors of bandits coming and killing whole towns and burning the whole town to the ground and not sparing anyone but that was just a rumor so it did not seem as a threat.

Six months had passed since then and all seemed well when our Nine year old boy Grayson was getting his younger sister Marcileen a present for her birthday.

Grayson decided that he would get her some type of Jewel or some sort of necklace…While he was out he saw all kinds of things he had never seen before because this was his first time leaving his town to the market and after hours of searching he found the perfect necklace.After he purchased the necklace he was so excited to give his sister her birthday present.
While he was walking home he was admiring the necklace it was a purple sapphire set in gold with a red plush rope going around the neck…Still there was something vary strange about the sapphire the old lady he purchased it from said it was the “Stone of the seeker” it almost glowed purple once he was out of its mesmerizing gaze he looked up only to see a living nightmare.
Still about 1000 yards from his village he saw billowing smoke coming from all parts of his village at that moment he put the necklace in his backpack and sprinted to the village to see what happened when he arrived he saw something that would strike fear into his heart for almost his entire life.
What he saw was not a fire gone out of control but he saw thief’s murder’s robber’s rapist’s…Bandits.

Bandits had burned the whole town and are killing every one in it..Grayson understood he had to get to his family and get them out of there now. As he made his way into the city he watched as his friends and neighbors were slaughtered right in front of him as he was hiding and running to his house. When he arrived at his house after hiding form the bandits he saw the one thing that made this whole day even worse there right in front of him were bandits with his father and mother holding swords to there necks and all he could do was watch as they made remarks and beat his parents then they tried to attack his mother when his father saw this he tried to kill one of the bandits but before he could even move a foot a sword went right into his back and as he collapsed his mother met the same fate and all the Grayson could do was to watch his family murdered in front of him while he hid in a cart full of farm tools at that moment his heart was hardened and he swore not only to find and kill every single one of the bandits that burned his city but to kill them all with his fathers sword….and thus a Legacy begins.

what do you guys think pleas leave a comment.

 
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Try using more punctuation =/

 
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^^ I will use more punctuation
this is just a rough cut was does TL;DR mean?

 
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Originally posted by 12grayson:

^^ I will use more punctuation
this is just a rough cut was does TL;DR mean?

oh nothing

 
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Originally posted by 12grayson:

^^ I will use more punctuation
this is just a rough cut was does TL;DR mean?

“Too long; didn’t read”, an expression commonly used on internet boards to describe a long post.

 
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Originally posted by 12grayson:

^^ I will use more punctuation
this is just a rough cut was does TL;DR mean?

TL;DR means “too long; didn’t read”.

 
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No, John. You are the demons

 
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FIVE STARS NEW YORK BEST SELLER RIGHT HERE

 
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Frenetic, wild, interesting, deep, full of content… the list goes on and on. It’s one of the best first-person sandboxes ever made, and we only hope there’s a bright future waiting for this IP.

 
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Originally posted by BobTehStoner:

Frenetic, wild, interesting, deep, full of content… the list goes on and on. It’s one of the best first-person sandboxes ever made, and we only hope there’s a bright future waiting for this IP.

Is that sarcastic?

 
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A time ago before there were any computers or really any technology that we have today off on the green plains in some far off land there lived a family a boy child no older then Nine and his little sister who was Eight with a mother and father.

EDIT:
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK JUST HAPPENED TO MY POST
I SPENT LIKE 20 MINUTES ON IT TRYING MY BEST TO HELP THIS GUY OUT

gaah!
____________________________________________________

READ THIS
look, you need to add conversations/communication and actions in your story
action as in just people doing stuff and you describing it in whatever perspective you are in.
you have to know how to write a story in a first person point of view or in third person if you want to write anything.

you cant just say “This boy did this and that and one day he did this” that might be acceptable as a prologue to get the reader up to date on the story but it is not acceptable for an actual part of the story.

its best if you describe the main character or his environment through the characters actions than to just say how he looks like, where he is and what is happening
that is just boring and terrible.
do it like this

The boy curiously stares at the busy bartender, his eyes barely making it over the counter. The bartender stares back at dirty scruffy haired kid, with a more troubled curiosity.

he drops the soap and dishes back into the sink “What do you want, kid?!” he barks, drying his hands.
Its unlikely he came to the bar for a couple of drinks.

The kid climbs up the barstoole and hands the bartender a quarter on the counter from his sweatpants. He opens his mouth wide open and points inside,
the boy isnt even wearing a shirt and he looks like hes starving. The bartender quickly rinses off a cup and hands him a nice cup of cold water.

so what did we find out about the story just from this
1. the main character is a boy
2. hes very small, he is definitely very young
3. It seems like the boy cant talk because he has to point into his mouth in order to tell him he wanted something to eat or drink instead of just saying “i need water”
4. The boy is shirtless, dirty, and starving. he is probably an orphan or just poor.
5. He is in a bar.
6. he used a quarter so he is probably in the U.S.
7. he has sweatpants so it probably takes place in the present.
8. The bartender was washing dishes when the boy came in.

you see what i did there?
i described everything relevant in the scene using nothing but conversation and actions

 
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Originally posted by 12grayson:
Originally posted by BobTehStoner:

Frenetic, wild, interesting, deep, full of content… the list goes on and on. It’s one of the best first-person sandboxes ever made, and we only hope there’s a bright future waiting for this IP.

Is that sarcastic?

no this is beautiful thank you basedgod

 
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Originally posted by Kegfarms:

No, John. You are the demons

And then John was a zombie

 
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Grammar.
Punctuation.
Vocabulary.
Needs a LOT of work.

 
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Go into detail of some of the things going on in the story.

 
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Wow.

If I had a dollar for every cliche in that “story”, I would have $43645

Try writing about something that hasn’t been done a billion times.

Write about CROWS taking over Earth :>

Also that pic you posted looks like steampunk so 0/10

 
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I saw that you posted this same thread in /1/

Someone posted this link

Basically, its the OP’s pic, but higher res and a different signature

Discuss how OP is a THIEF :< :< :<

 
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Need a longer and more descriptive introduction. Story is EXTREMELY uninteresting IMO, needs something to set it apart from the generic batmanesque hero story it is going down. Think of ways you can grab the readers attention.

 
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Fuck dude.
As an artist, I don’t tolerate art theft.
Flagged.

 
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someone cut the top of the hat off

he also stole some art

source: his thread in the arts

Originally posted by 12grayson:

Hi my names Grayson and i am going to post all of my artwork and i would appreciated it if u could rate them i will try to upload them as soon as i make them but right now i am just going to post all of the ones i already made so pleas rate

one of the first ones i made

another great one that i made of pickachu

one of my best drawings

One i am working on

 
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I claim all art and if i see any of this art any wear i will sue you…

Anyone else see the hypocrisy here?

 
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Oh god no wonder he felt the need to steal it.

 
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Fuck me those are the worst drawings I’ve ever seen.

 
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I’m feeling the line art at the end must be stolen as well.