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We have an essay.

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My friend and I have the same class. We both have an essay about what is our ideal utopia. My teacher is going to red the essay to everyone once he has them. My friend is an idiot, so he asks the teacher to go first. What do you think about his essay and what do you think the teacher will do once he sees it? Rate the essay from 1 to 10, 10 being great.



The idea of a utopia is a very interesting one. My idea of a utopia is one called Kerbal. In it I would be the ruler forever because I would have my brain put inside a computer and would rule over the whole planet of Kerbin. Every man and woman on Kerbin and that is located in the area controlled by Kerbal is taught at birth to be loyal to me. The government stays out of personal lives and most things, but if you commit a crime, because of the new glands we added to your brain at birth, we can make you produce a hormone that does not hurt you, but it makes sure you never do whatever crime you committed ever again. I was elected into office, it says it in this textbook I wrote and I won unanimously. Every person who lives in Kerbal has to work at the space center. We also do not pay you. You do get the basic needs of life and some other items for your entertainment. There are three positions you could be when you start working in the space center. At birth a machine checks you DNA and chooses what position you belong in. Then it takes a minute to teach you everything about your profession and trains you for 10 years until you are enlisted full time to work in the space center. The first position is the part-maker. He gathers and assembles the parts for the rocket. Then the builders, they build all the rockets according to my blueprints. Finally, the pilots, this is job is the one with the most open spots. I remotely fly all the rockets and the pilots just sit and report information back home. Using a lot of complex machines and gizmos we recycle the pieces from crashed rockets and maybe one or two pieces of the dead pilots to make food and items for our workers. This is the perfect society. There is no war, there is no crime, everyone is educated, and people are getting everything they need and more. The inhabitants of Kerbin and everyone who lives in the nation of Kerbin are a very intelligent and happy people and agree that Kerbin is a perfect utopian society.


The essay is a reference to this game my friend plays all of the time. (I think it is complete bullshit)

 
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Some parts sound like A Clockwork Orange; the government doesn’t care if you do anything but, when you cross the line, it’ll make you pass a pavlovian mental conditioning procedure to force you into being law abiding. I think he should elaborate on why is it an utopia because, as of now, the description is quite shallow. One might even think it is a dystopia due to the lack of details that justify the government’s actions. Rating depends on each person’s preferences, so I’d rather just point out the main issue with the text.

 
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4/10. He raises a lot of points, but expands on none. He doesn’t talk about how the people would react at these practices when they were initially put into practice. I think your teacher will laugh about how shallow this is. Was it in class? If so it’s fairly okay since you don’t usually have a lot of time available, but it definitely doesn’t cut it as a proper essay.

Oh, and paragraphs. He should use them.

 
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Originally posted by Aldir:

4/10. He raises a lot of points, but expands on none. He doesn’t talk about how the people would react at these practices when they were initially put into practice. I think your teacher will laugh about how shallow this is. Was it in class? If so it’s fairly okay since you don’t usually have a lot of time available, but it definitely doesn’t cut it as a proper essay.

Oh, and paragraphs. He should use them.

It was in paragraph. He gave it to me in a steam chat. This was a home assignment.

 
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If it’s not copy pasta it’s a solid six. With a little more ‘feel’ it would be a ten. This is just a list of cold facts, it doesn’t provoke an emotional response. Then again maybe that’s just the way computer overlords write essays.
Good luck to your friend!

 
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Grammatical errors, weak vocabulary, poor sentence structure, unfitting sentences, some parts are repetitive, and the essay itself is very short.

The final grade ultimately depends upon what grade he is in and how much time was given. I’m going to guess this is third grade and that he was given one hour to complete his essay, so I’ll give it an 8. He could definitely improve his work, but it’s alright for his age.

 
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Is there a word count that you have to get to or not go over?

 
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It’s written poorly, and he doesn’t justify why he’d want to do those things. Also, I find it hilarious that he says the government mostly stays out of people’s lives yet it decides from birth what their job will be. I’m going to guess that he’ll get a passing grade since it’s easy as fuck to pass, but it probably won’t be an “A” unless the assignment is simply to talk about your ideal utopia.

 
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We are freshman in highschool, had 2 days to complete it, and we are in world civics honors.

 
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Err. . .5.5/10? Good start, but you should really expand on your ideas. You have the concept but most of it isn’t describing everything. Formatting is always something a teacher looks for. I see a few grammar errors and typos, but I’m sure you can fix it.

 
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The part that confuses me is that your friend thinks a perfect utopia is one that is ruled completely by him and people have no free will whatsoever.
Sounds like the opposite of a utopia IMO

 
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Now that I think about it, this essay really isn’t that long. You just state main ideas about how you feel, basic facts, etc.

 
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Originally posted by Gogo1267896:

Err. . .5.5/10? Good start, but you should really expand on your ideas. You have the concept but most of it isn’t describing everything. Formatting is always something a teacher looks for. I see a few grammar errors and typos, but I’m sure you can fix it.

Originally posted by Gogo1267896:

Now that I think about it, this essay really isn’t that long. You just state main ideas about how you feel, basic facts, etc.

It’s his friend’s essay.

 
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The idea of a utopia is a very interesting one.

Qualify: Why is it an interesting idea?

My idea of a utopia is one called Kerbal. In it I would be the ruler forever because I would have my brain put inside a computer and would rule over the whole planet of Kerbin.

First and second sentence should be merged for flow.
The second sentence is structurally disorganized — rearrange it so it reads better.
Every man and woman on Kerbin and that is located in the area controlled by Kerbal is taught at birth to be loyal to me.

Try to avoid using “that is.” You could easily eliminate that; you’re saying too little with too much.
The government stays out of personal lives and most things, but if you commit a crime, because of the new glands we added to your brain at birth, we can make you produce a hormone that does not hurt you, but it makes sure you never do whatever crime you committed ever again.

Rewrite this: Confusing sentence structure.
I was elected into office, it says it in this textbook I wrote and I won unanimously.

Commentary on dictators frequently abusing their privileges is amusing.
Every person who lives in Kerbal has to work at the space center. We also do not pay you. You do get the basic needs of life and some other items for your entertainment. There are three positions you could be when you start working in the space center. At birth a machine checks you DNA and chooses what position you belong in.

Previously contradicted within the text — “government stays out of personal lives.”
The first position is the part-maker. He gathers and assembles the parts for the rocket. Then the builders, they build all the rockets according to my blueprints. Finally, the pilots, this is job is the one with the most open spots. I remotely fly all the rockets and the pilots just sit and report information back home.

This could be condensed — it’s way too much text for just a bit of information.
This is the perfect society. There is no war, there is no crime, everyone is educated, and people are getting everything they need and more. The inhabitants of Kerbin and everyone who lives in the nation of Kerbin are a very intelligent and happy people and agree that Kerbin is a perfect utopian society.

More description.

 
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Originally posted by TheAznSensation:
The idea of a utopia is a very interesting one.

Qualify: Why is it an interesting idea?

My idea of a utopia is one called Kerbal. In it I would be the ruler forever because I would have my brain put inside a computer and would rule over the whole planet of Kerbin.


First and second sentence should be merged for flow.
The second sentence is structurally disorganized — rearrange it so it reads better.

Every man and woman on Kerbin and that is located in the area controlled by Kerbal is taught at birth to be loyal to me.

Try to avoid using “that is.” You could easily eliminate that; you’re saying too little with too much.
The government stays out of personal lives and most things, but if you commit a crime, because of the new glands we added to your brain at birth, we can make you produce a hormone that does not hurt you, but it makes sure you never do whatever crime you committed ever again.

Rewrite this: Confusing sentence structure.
I was elected into office, it says it in this textbook I wrote and I won unanimously.

Commentary on dictators frequently abusing their privileges is amusing.
Every person who lives in Kerbal has to work at the space center. We also do not pay you. You do get the basic needs of life and some other items for your entertainment. There are three positions you could be when you start working in the space center. At birth a machine checks you DNA and chooses what position you belong in.

Previously contradicted within the text — “government stays out of personal lives.”
The first position is the part-maker. He gathers and assembles the parts for the rocket. Then the builders, they build all the rockets according to my blueprints. Finally, the pilots, this is job is the one with the most open spots. I remotely fly all the rockets and the pilots just sit and report information back home.

This could be condensed — it’s way too much text for just a bit of information.
This is the perfect society. There is no war, there is no crime, everyone is educated, and people are getting everything they need and more. The inhabitants of Kerbin and everyone who lives in the nation of Kerbin are a very intelligent and happy people and agree that Kerbin is a perfect utopian society.

More description.

Nice! This is very generous :-D

I do hope the author is writing a cautionary tale and understands that this perfect utopia has been at the expense of personal freedom.

 
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Originally posted by Gogo1267896:

Now that I think about it, this essay really isn’t that long. You just state main ideas about how you feel, basic facts, etc.

Lol it’s just a high school freshman essay.

 
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I couldn’t get more than a few sentences, fucking awful.
1/10, he should really kill himself.

If I could rate it lower, I would.
I expected something full of degeneracy, but this…

 
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