Forums Off-topic

[Story] On the Run {Chapter 6 posted}

29 posts

Flag Post

Chapter 1 – Alarm’s Should be Dismantled

My eyes had opened. That damn alarm had put me off my sweet sleep!
“Wait? Alarm!?” I shouted questionably. The room was flashing red and my head hurt.
“Craig! Get up! Evac! Samuel is coming for us! ETA 5 minutes!” Shouted Sean.
“Wha- What’s going on?” I asked as I was lifted from the bed, some springs were broke off and it was soggy.
“Craig! Commander Danve has been killed… to protect us!” Shouted Sean.
“What?! Who did this? I will make them pay!” I demanded. I picked up my rifle from my bedside table and looked at Sean. He stared back and was sweating.
“It… it was Samantha!” He shouted.
“Samantha?! His hooker?!” I was shocked.
“No! Samantha’s his wife, Cherry is his hooker!” Shouted Sean.
“Haha! I can’t believe I got them mixed up! Anyway! Why?” I asked.
“Well she wa-” Said Sean before being interupted by a bullet to the head. A gun fell out of his hand, which was behind his back the whole time. Suddenly Samantha ran in.
“Craig! He killed Danve! He threatened to kill you!” Shouted Samantha, struggling to breath.
“But… he was my best friend! Why?” I asked, holding my rifle steadily.
“An enemy of Danve’s. Samuel. He owns a group of super villains.” Said Samantha.
“Super villains? You mean… they have powers… like me?” I asked.
“Yes. But you have still yet to gain control of your powers. Telekinesis
is a serious ability. Use it.” Said Samantha. I opened my back door wide.
“We have to hurry. Samuel’s group will be here soon.” I said. Samantha followed me out as we ran to Dr. Kranziz’s lab…

Chapter 2 – The Doctor and his Frankenstein

“Not long Samantha! Just over this hill.” I said.
“Good. I can’t run much longer.” Replied Tammy. As we elevated to the top of the hill we could hardly breath. I see the lab. Instead of running down the hill I took my easier approach to the situation. I rolled. I hit the bottom of the hill. Samantha was walking down, holding a shotgun up to her shoulder.
“Well… you know how to get around fast.” Giggled Samantha. We approached the door. The door was automatic. It opened easily and Dr. Kranziz stood there leaning over some of his inventions.
“Dr. Kranziz! We need help!” I said.
“Craig! Good to see you! Where is Sean?” He asked.
“Dead.” I said without showing any emotion. At this point I turned to Samantha, I then returned my view to Dr. Kranziz.
“Ah. I feared this. Let me guess. Samuel.” Said Dr. Kranziz.
“Yes. He has people with powers like me!” I shouted, smashing my fists off a table.
“Do you remember how you gained these abilities?” Asked Kranziz.
“Yes… it was due to you being in that machine.” I replied.
“Yes. The Genormatic. It changed body cells to create a whole new cell.” Kranziz said.
“I wandered into it. Without knowing, you activated it. My father tried saving me… his cells weren’t only changed in a bad way, they were passed through his brain into mine, causing a strengthing in my brain cells allowing not only mental abilities, it gave me more physical abilities. It mixed and created my Telekinesis
.” I explained.
“Yes. Now we must destroy Samuel.” Said Kranziz.
“How?” I asked.
“Only one thing can defeat him. It is made of seperate parts. A diamond. A mini generator with the power of a fully sized generator. A Plasma Gun. Finally, a water chip.” Said Kranziz.
“The first thing is the plasma gun. A test plasma gun is located at a U.S. military base, you must retrieve it at all costs!” Shouted Kranziz.

Chapter 3 – U.S. Plasma Man

Samantha and I are just outside the U.S. military base. Army soldiers walked around, circling the base. Two stayed still at a large opening.
“Samantha. Stay here.” I told her. I begun walking up to the opening. As I closed in on the soldiers I played tricks on their mind. They stepped aside for me. I giggled and walked through, before walking through I put on a soldier’s uniform. It was green and I even had a desert Eagle into one of the pockets. The other pocket contained… something sticky. I instantly got my hand out, disgusted at whatever was in there. Apparently on my name tag, my name is John Dansy. I walked in, looked around and mind tricked one officer to take me to the test plasma gun’s location. He lead me to a large warehouse, it was green all around with a large blood stain beside the door. I opened the door, ignoring he blood all around and inside the warehouse and looked for the gun. As I reached over some guns I noticed on the other side a large, steel containment.
“That must be it.” I told myself. I climbed over and used my telekeinesis to open it with ease. I grabbed the plasma gun quickly and sprinted out, hiding the gun to look like a pistol with my mind tricks. I seen Samantha… with a ghouly person grabbing her neck, he stared at me. At that moment he released her and went to attack me.
“Shit!” I shouted while diving to the left avoiding his attack. He vanished and reappeared next to me, he grabbed my neck and started glowing. I was getting weaker. At that moment I blasted him off me. I sprinted to him and started using my telekinesis to hold him down.
“Who are you?” I asked angrilly.
“Jacob! Samuel’s bodyguard!” He replied, still trying to break free.
“Where is Samuel?!” I asked angrily again.
“Bye!” He shouted giggling and vanished.
“Damn it!” I shouted, hitting my fists off the wall.
“C’mon. We’ve got to get back to the lab.” I told Samantha. We had reached the lab, and Kranziz was happy to see the gun but shocked to hear about Jacob.
“Next thing to be collecting is… a mini generator. Located at a Russian lab. I will get you a jet to take you there immediantly.” Said Dr. Kranziz.

Chapter 4 – A Corruption for You

“This is John. He is my friend and your pilot for the evening. John, take them to my old lab.” Said Kranziz. John was a tall man with black hair, wore sunshades and an awesome pilot suit.
“John is great with up close combat and gun abilities. You’d be wise to let him join you.” Said Kranziz.
“Follow me Craig.” Said John. Samantha was staying behind this time to help Kranziz with testing the plasma gun. We walked outside to a black jet, a yellow line went across the side of it and a blue line goes across the top. We got in, I noticed three sniper rifle’s in the back with a large crate of ammo.
“Use it, we’ll attack from the air. I can get us a chopper, one is located near the Russian lab.” Said John. We flew off heading to the chopper.

4 hours later

We had landed. The chopper was close. I grabbed two sniper rifle’s and John got the large crate full of ammo.
“Let’s go Craig.” Said John. We got in the chopper and flew into the air. John sat on the pilot seat while I fiddled with the unloaded sniper rifle in the back.

1 hour later

We were above the lab, it was white all over with a glass covered dome at the top. I seen some scientists inside standing around a small light. It looked like the generator. I picked upthe sniper rifle and aimed towards one scientists head. I could make the bullet go faster and straighter due to my telekinesis. I fired, killing one scientist. I killed more and more, and after they were all dead we landed.
“I’ll only be a minute.” I told John. I sprinted inside with my normal rifle. I grabbed the generator and ran out. We flew back to the lab.

6 hours later

“Kranziz! We have it!” I shouted happily holding the generator upin the air.
“Good! The plasma rifle has been fully tested. We have repaired it’s aiming system, it’s firing enhibitor and even the grip.” Said Kranziz. Samantha stood in the background holding the plasma gun.
“John! Did you get my medical supplies from the Russian lab?” Asked Kranziz.
“Medical Supplies. You never told me to get those.” Replied John, looking slightly puzzled.
“Oh… that is not good. We need… never mind. We only need the water chip and the diamond. The water chip is located in… ow. Ah!” Shouted Kranziz. He was on his knees, his hands over his head. He started smacking his head off the floor. He turned his head towards me, his eyes were going blue.
“Ah! Aahh! AAAAHHH!” He screamed, he faced the roof screaming it more. Samantha ran towards me and we backed away 4 steps to a safe distance.
“Kranziz?” I asked, afraid of the situation.
DAMN YOU SAMUEL!” Shouted Kranziz. He threw me a piece of paper before he changed. He was on his knees, hands on the floor. He had lost all his hair and the skin turned darker.
“I… am corrupted! AAH!” He shouted. He jumped out of a window, he escaped.
“Kranziz… was a corrupted beast… a slave of Samuel’s.” I said sadly. I read the sheet of paper he threw to me.
“Water Chips location: Samuel’s building, Canada.” I read out loud from the note.

Chapter 5 – Operation: Great Power Never Made it into Area 51… Not Even into NASA

John, Samantha and I were all in the chopper, not much chat had been going for the time.
“Kranziz… He fought back Samuel… Even though he was one of them… Kranziz must be healed.” I said, my head staring at the floor, my rifle sat beside me and my hands crossed over.
“Craig, Kranziz, Samantha… Samuel… what’s your stories?” Asked John.
“Samuel was Danve’s brother, they were close until Danve cancelled Operation: Great Power. Samuel took the remaining test subjects, Craig and Sean escaped and Danve and I kept them safe. It is unknown how Samuel found them.” Replied Samantha, she was sitting opposite me, sitting quiet normally, no upsetting movements. She looked at me, then looked outside.
“My story is… complicated. I’ll explain it later.” I told John. Suddenly a rocket launch was heard. I looked out from the side, hanging out using my left hand to grab the top part.
“That’s Samuel’s building!” I shouted, feared what he was planning. We were getting closer. What was happening?
“Land now!” I commanded John. The chopper landed on a road, the streets empty. All houses abandoned, only Samuel’s HQ remained. I ran alone to the door, the building was huge, white and probably has defences inside. I sighed, and opened the door. Holding my rifle steadily I walked in, ready to confront the dangers of Samuel’s minions.

Chapter 6 – Suicide is Hard to do

I opened the door, my rifle ready. The whole room was empty.
“Funny… I expected Lex Luthor.”I giggled. At that moment a clown faced freak appeared.
“Even funnier… I expected Luthor… I got the Joker.” I said, giggling. His face faced mine, staring, his eyes glew red. At that moment I remembered Dr. Kranziz, where was he?
“I am… I am Folly. My power… To blank out all weaponry near me.” Said this person in a deep and crackled voice. I threw my gun to the side and got into a fighting pose. Folly ran towards me, kicking my chest causing me to fall on my back. Folly grabbed his head in pain.
“I wasn’t always like this! Ah!” shouted Folly, the pain must be horrible. He then attacked again but I reflexed and used telekinesis to throw him back into the wall. He quickly got up and grabbed my neck, I punched his nose several times. After his nose started bleeding I grabbed his head and head butted him. He fell back, the pain between his corruption and my powerful fists was too much for him. He tried shooting himself with my rifle, his power wasn’t only a strength… it was a weakness. He ran out of the building, screaming. I sighed and picked up my rifle. I reached the elevator, opened it and pressed the button that said “Basement”. The water chip must be there, Samuel was too smart to keep it in a high profile area. The elevator went down.
“So… who’s next?” I ask, knowing someone would be there.

 
Flag Post

Nice Story.
You could explain whats actually going on or is the point of the story sposed to be a mystery

 
Flag Post

out it on the story forum page give a link to RMCD and hell put it on http://www.kongregate.com/forums/2/topics/34460

 
Flag Post
Originally posted by Mysterymason:

Nice Story.

You could explain whats actually going on or is the point of the story sposed to be a mystery

Actually you have yet to figure out about his past. The next chapter explains more about it, and after I reach chapter 8 The whole story of his past and his powers will be told. ;) Meant to be a mystery at the start.

Originally posted by flyingman:

out it on the story forum page give a link to RMCD and hell put it on http://www.kongregate.com/forums/2/topics/34460

Already done that ;)

 
Flag Post

lol we posted at same time

 
Flag Post

I like it. :D

 
Flag Post
Originally posted by craig12390:

I like it. :D

Thanks. I also would like feedback about fixing anything. If you have any ideas for chapter 2 – 3 then whisper me it ;)

 
Flag Post

For the start of your story I award you with…

THE PIXEL BADGE OF WOW!!!!

 
Flag Post

Edited Chapter 2 in ;) Hope it’s good :)

 
Flag Post

I seen the lab

I see the lab. :P All good again looking like a good story.

 
Flag Post
Originally posted by craig12390:

I seen the lab

I see the lab. :P All good again looking like a good story.

Thanks. Edited that. Anymore Badges for me? :)

 
Flag Post

Too much dialogue, not enough exposition.

You should read more books and short stories.

 
Flag Post
Originally posted by Jabor:

Too much dialogue, not enough exposition.

I’ll work on that. Thanks for the feedback. That’s what I need, to know what’s to be fixed.

 
Flag Post

As Jabor said, stories are not built on dialogue. You need more description and characterization.

Convey what they want to say through their actions

Oh, and for just a minor error:

“Craig! Get up! Evac! Samuel is coming for us! ETA 5 minutes!” Shouted Sean.

When dialogue is liked that, verbs like “shouted” should not be capitalized.

 
Flag Post
Originally posted by UzumakiNaruto:

As Jabor said, stories are not built on dialogue. You need more description and characterization.

Oh, and for just a minor error:

“Craig! Get up! Evac! Samuel is coming for us! ETA 5 minutes!” Shouted Sean.

When dialogue is liked that, verbs like “shouted” should not be capitalized.

Once again, thanks for the feedback. My chapters will be more described, I’ll work on that ;)

 
Flag Post

Whoops. Kinda small but its basically a guy with Telekinesis
:P

 
Flag Post
Originally posted by craig12390:

Whoops. Kinda small but its basically a guy with Telekinesis

:P

Yay! A new badge! Working on Chapter 3. Be patient.

 
Flag Post

Chapter 3 has been posted!

 
Flag Post

I’d like more detail. But apparently I love the stuff.

 
Flag Post
Originally posted by RMcD:

I’d like more detail. But apparently I love the stuff.

Thanks. I have a good idea for chapter 4, at the end of it. But if anyone has an idea just whisper me.

[Going to Orthodontist’s now. See ya. Be back later]

 
Flag Post

Chapter 4 made!

 
Flag Post

“Samantha?! His hooker?!” I was shocked.
“No! Samantha’s his wife, Cherry is his hooker!” Shouted Sean.
“Haha! I can’t believe I got them mixed up! Anyway! Why?” I asked.

I lol’d.

This is definitely one of the best of the like, seven, stories up on the forums (all thanks to me and RMcD-starters of a new trend :D)

 
Flag Post
Originally posted by mariosuperlative:

“Samantha?! His hooker?!” I was shocked.

“No! Samantha’s his wife, Cherry is his hooker!” Shouted Sean.

“Haha! I can’t believe I got them mixed up! Anyway! Why?” I asked.

I lol’d.

This is definitely one of the best of the like, seven, stories up on the forums (all thanks to me and RMcD-starters of a new trend :D)

Thank’s for the kind words! I enjoy adding some comedy :D

 
Flag Post

Chapter 5 Posted

 
Flag Post

You have been invited.

Story Haven