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[story] The end of the line V3.5 (not bad)

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In the end
_________
It was a normal day with grey sky. It was windy the streets were empty and I had a story to tell. This is my story when the world came to the end.


In the beginning
_________
A ghost came to me in my sleep. I woke up and he said "It is the end of the world and tell no one and I shall spare you. I asked what would I get and he said “you can take anything you want for as no one can stop you”. He faded away and I knew what I would do.


Chapter 1
Clear Blue sky and a bad smell
_________

It was a sunny day at the beach. I was on my Deck chair, relaxing. The surfers surfed. The waves crashed against the cliffs. The kids made sand castles. It was a pain to think it would all end. even more because the ghost described how it were to happen. I walked home to my house and sat down. I stared out a window as a small wind blew the news paper across the street. I had 23 hours. I should be living it up before they all die. I heard a voice behind me. I span around and there he was the ghost. He said to me “you shall see the destruction after the end” he disappeared and a trap door opened.

I walked down the stairs carefully when i got down the stairs and the stairs slung shut. now what I’m trapped In a room… and a bad smell leaking thought the wall of raw sewage. I rammed a wall and fell though to the other side. I was covered in slush. YUK! Yeah living it up in a sewer I would rather be stealing sports cars. There was a deep lot of slush where a pipe went down there where very big pipes I looked around in in the semi basement I found a scuba suit. Wish I didn’t have to do what I did but I did. I made a giant splash as I dived into the sewage. YUK again! I swam and swam down to a blockage of poo and a cage I grab the poo and got on with it.

After a while I unblocked it and open the hatch. and the sewage drain out of the pipe and the cage. In the cage I saw a ghost I opened the cage and let the ghost out. I took off the face mask and vomited. I hate the sewer. I walked on and the ghost began to talk


chapter 1.1
a ghostly tale
_______________

If all began back in the day of 0BC/AD Jesus was born and the 10 king of the land were banished. they were me the ghost of light, the ghost that visited you the ghost of darkness, fire, water, earth, wind, forest, metal, dragon and the master. were scattered me and dark escaped but then dark decided to lock me in a cage and flush me down a toilet in 1979AD. He then decided to end the world later on. And he there for has made himself unstoppable unless we can awake the master. by insert the 9 crystals into the temple statue all ghosts have one.


chapter 1.2
an escape from the end of the world
__________

If I wanted to save the world I would have to get out. I walked on ward to a deep pit. A ghost can get across and he did and pulled a switch. and A bridge extended and I walked across. I saw a manhole, I pushed it open and stepped up. unfortunately I was in an ally way with fences at both ends and a gang showed up and sealed the drain up. “oi I will bang you out” said one. they climbed out I pulled out a gun. They pulled out guns. I putit down bad idea. The ghost flew out and said “what is the big idea”. At this point the dark ghost flew down and shot a laser and burn the fence down. and fried the gang. I ran as the skys set alight and a fire blizts rain. the ghost (L) opened a time portal. we jumped in. we escaped to 1st century 61AD

 
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Good so far.
You could write a bit more.

 
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I know im working on it.

 
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surfed. t he wave crashed

Capital letter to start sentence. :D

 
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thank you

 
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Wow, this is a terrible story.

 
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^ shut up

 
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good story so far carry on

 
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Originally posted by Carados:

Wow, this is a terrible story.

No, this story is very good. A bit short, but it’s flawless. Anticipating for the next chapter.

 
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yeah i know it just that carados hates me

 
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http://www.kongregate.com/forums/2/topics/17520

this one is better

 
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well it souldn’t be

 
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Originally posted by evilgenius100:
Originally posted by Carados:

Wow, this is a terrible story.

No, this story is very good. A bit short, but it’s flawless. Anticipating for the next chapter.

So how is mine flawful (according to Uzu) and this flawless?

bold is wrong, italics and bold is should be there.

It was an a normal day with grey sky. It was windy, the streets were empty and I had a story to tell. This is my story; when the world came to the end.

I won’t go through it all, though. And I’m not quite sure of the “This is my story;”. I think some punctuation has to go there, but maybe not that. I don’t mean to offend you turtle, it’s actually pretty darn good. But let’s give you my three favourite words.

GRAMMAR AND PACE. What you have to get right. If you’ve got good plot, good characters, and general awesomeness, this is always a problem. It’s a problem in mine too. But it’s great.

 
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Originally posted by Carados:

Wow, this is a terrible story.

 
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Originally posted by randomturtle:

^ shut up

 
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Originally posted by craigkiller:
Originally posted by Carados:

Wow, this is a terrible story.

QFT

 
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Originally posted by randomturtle:
Originally posted by randomturtle:

^ shut up

Originally posted by Nicholas98:
Originally posted by craigkiller:
Originally posted by Carados:

Wow, this is a terrible story.


QFT

QFLF

Quote for lies (and) flame.

 
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Pretty jumpy, a good plotline, bad grammar, overall: 6/10
Thing you should work on:
-I noticed that alot of your periods shouldn’t be there, and should be replaced by a comma: i.e:

I saw a manhole should be an and or comma here I pushed I (it?) open . (doesn’t need punctuation) and stepped up.

-That sentece was likely your worst grammarical sentance. I bolded everything that was wrong.
-The jumpiness I don’t mind too too much, but it can really ruin a story. Just remember that.

 
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I liked your older story much more, random.

 
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what you mean

 
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means your a noob

 
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^shut the hell up