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Humor is essencial in life........

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There was a flooding in Mozambique. The local priest was standing on a hill and the water reached to his feat. A boat came by and the people aboard yelled : Quickly , get in the boat ! . but the Priest Refused and said : god will save me.

The water now reached to his waist , and another boat came by . They yelled : Get in the boat , and again the Priest Refused. He said: God will save me !

Now the Water reached to his neck , and yet another boat came by .
Climd Aboard they yelled but he refused and was certain that god would save him .

But alas , he drowned , and later on , in heaven , he asked god : O Lord , why didn’t you save me ?

The irritated answer was : YOu stupid git ! I sent you 3 bloody boats !

 
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAno.

 
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Rofl ive heared this before. :D

 
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Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the
door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn’t.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag
filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
centre.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from
Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after
the Dr.on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the
interview portion of Family Fortunes.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a
student on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either,
but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a
land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can
tell butter from “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.”

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one
had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in
her first of several points of parliamentary procedure made to
Robin Cook MP,Leader of the House of Commons, in the House
Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating
electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it
to the wall.
_________________

 
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this is great though ive heard it before someone should make a joke thread…

Rofl ive heared this before. :D

heared?

 
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tldr

 
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A man walks into a Italian resteraunt and orders the special of the day. The waiter brings out a plate with two large meaty balls on it. The man tries it and decides he really likes it, he calls the waiter in and he says to him "These are delicious! What are they?! The waiter replies “Ahh those are cojones. Nice yes?” The man says “yes but what are these lovely cojones?” The waiter replies “They are the testicles of the bull that fought and died against the fighters in the arena today.” The man decides he likes them and comes back the next day. He is dissapointed when his cojones are a whole lot smaller than yesterdays. He calls out the waiter and complains “why are my cojones so much smaller than yesterdays?!” The waiter replies in hushed tones “Ahhh yes senor, but the bull does not lose every time!”

 
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Originally posted by penguinwasher:

this is great though ive heard it before someone should make a joke thread…

Rofl ive heared this before. :D

heared?

Says you?

 
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a man is sitting on his own at a bar when a party of drunks come in. one of them leans over to the guy, snatches up his beer and drinks it whole

the 1st man says " well thats just great then"

the drunk feeling sorry for the man says “im so sorry why are you so upset”

the 1st man: “well im late for work for the first time and get fired, my girlfreind dumps me.”

and i cant even kill myself properly as youve just gone and swallowed my poison!!!!!!!!!

 
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In a mental house, the psychiatrist draws a door on the wall.
Some time later he says to all madmen: “the first one to open this door can leave the institution.” All of them are desperately trying to open the door, when suddenly one of them walks away. The psychiatrist thinks: “Ah finally, someone who has found his reason again.”
He walks to the madman and asks: “why did you walk away?” to which the madman replies: “Ssht,… Don’t tell anyone, … I’ve got the key.”

 
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Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget

and

one guy was very overwieght and was desperate to lose some weight. and to his luck, a new super technique was being developed so he decided to give it a try. he went to this new place to try the technique. then the instructor then told him that it was pretty easy. he will be in the same room with a gorgeous naked blond for the entire night. if he can catch her, then he can have his way her all night long. and so the man being overweight and not lucky with the ladies, he was desperate so he chased her as fast as he can. it took him long hours, but he finally got her and had an amazing night. and it was also the best work out of his life as he lost several pounds. so he returned the next day for some more hot workouts. and then the instructor told him: “today will be very similar to yesterday, but instead of the hot blond in the room, there will be a huge gay black man who will be chasing you this time.”

and

That’s not right. Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP. Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift. Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here. Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. No Pah King
You know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. Yu So Dum
I got this for free Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting is scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum
Staying out of sight. Lei Ying Lo
He’s cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu

 
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Heard them all before. not funny.

 
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John want’s to buy a brand new pair of pink socks but he ran out of money.
So he went to his father and asked if he could do something to earn some money.
His father responded:“You could try to repair the lawnmower.”
And so John did but he still didn’t have enough money.
So he went to his mother and asked her the same question he asked his father.
His mother responded:“Well, try to repair the television.”
He did but still he hdid not have enough money so he went to see her sister and asked her the same question.
His sister responded:“Try to repair my computer.”
This took a while but he did it.
Now he had enough money to buy the socks.
When he came back home and wanted to put on his socks, the lawnmower exploded and his father died.
He needed to dress in black for a month.
After that month he again wanted to put on his socks but at that moment…BOOOM the television explodes and his mother dies.
…a month in black…
Thereafter at the moment he wanted to put on his socks the computer explodes and his sister passed away.
Again a month in black…
After that month again when he wanted to put on his socks, somebody rings the doorbell.
John opens the door and sees a pingiun standing before him.

Now what does the pingiun say to John?

Nothing, pingiuns can’t talk.

 
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Nothing, pingiuns can’t talk.

And you cant spell, its penguin.

 
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there was a man who had wanted to chop down a tree.firstly,he needed to get a axe so he went to the shopkeeper and asked for the axe.

the next day,he chopped down the tree and decided he needed more wood.He went to the other side of the forest and was chopping down another tree.
suddenly a voice came from the tree and looked under and found a person in the tree.

he asked the person how many trees there was,but the the man in the tree said ‘’yew need to learn your trees’’

it`s baed i have to admit

 
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This duck walks into a bar and hops up on the counter. The bartender looks at him and says, “What ya want?” The duck says (in a very ducklike way) “You have any Duck Food?”. The bartender stares and replies, “This is a bar, we ain’t got no duck food”. The duck shrugs, hops down and walks out the door.

The next day, the duck walks into the same bar and hops up on the counter. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll ya have?” The duck says (in a very duckable way) “You have any Duck Food?”. The bartender stares and replies, “I told you yesterday, this is a bar, we ain’t got no duck food”. The duck blinks, shrugs, hops down and walks out the door.

The next day, the duck walks into the same bar and hops up on the counter. The bartender looks at him, sighs and says, “What do you want?” The duck says (in a very duckish way) “You have any Duck Food?”. The bartender stares (in a very mean bartender way) and (with anger in his voice) replies, “We ain’t got no duck food, and if you ask for it one more time I’m gonna nail your foot to the counter!!!”. The duck doesn’t say a word, hops down and walks out the door.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar and hops up on the counter. The bartender looks at him warily, sighs and says, “What do you want?” The duck says (in a completely duck way) “You have any Nails?”. The bartender stares in suprise, and then replies, “No, I aint got no nails” “Good” says the duck “You have any Duck Food?”

 
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Originally posted by Craig12390:
Originally posted by penguinwasher:

this is great though ive heard it before someone should make a joke thread…

Rofl ive heared this before. :D

heared?

Says you?

yes you can’t spell and i said you can’t spell…..problem?

 
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a man went into a mexian resturont and ordered a fajhita.he took a bite and noticed that the peppors were big so he asked the waiter if they were a different kind. the waiter said: ‘’them? oh,yes, senor,they are chiplings from your pork chop. we painted them green.’’

the next day,the man ordered the same thing and asked the waiter what chiplings were. the waiter said:‘’them?chiplings are the ugh um of a pig’’

suddenly the meat had misterius brown goo leaking out…………

 
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He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

lol

Where are you getting these?

 
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Guys, I’m noticing a lot of these jokes are getting increasingly inappropriate. Can we keep this thread good, clean and funny? :)

 
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comwe on! u post some of your wn jokes

 
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The Dog’s Diary
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …

 
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A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and raps gently on the door. When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, “Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven’t had a good meal in several days.”

The owner says, “I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I’ve never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal.”

So the bum goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, “Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in.”

The bum says, “Thank you very much. But there’s something that I think you should know. It’s not a porch you got there. It’s a BMW.”

 
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Originally posted by xorrexx:

comwe on! u post some of your wn jokes

These aren’t your jokes.

 
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A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”

The lady asks, “How do I do it without surgery?”

“Just rub toilet paper between them.”

Startled the lady asks, “How does that make them bigger?”

“I don’t know, but it worked for your ass.”