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MY story. unfinished. =]

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I actually posted this in Arts a bit ago, but no one ever said anything about it, so I completely forgot it until I saw DeathleyEvil’s story, so thank’s I suppose. ;)

I have been writing a few different stories for quite some time now.

This is not really a book, more like a short story, kind of a sample of the longer books I’m writing.

This is actually based on a dream i had a couple of years ago, but I did add a lot to make it more interesting.

I have not worked a whole lot on it, so I know that it is not really great, but I really hope that it will be enjoyable for someone.

I would be really thankful for some comments. It would be really nice to know what you think.

I do not believe that dreams have any meaning when it comes to real life, but sometimes I have a feeling they might be slightly more then just random images produced by our subconscious mind. I automatically dismiss anything that i do not fully understand as something that doesn’t mean anything at all, so I figure that they could actually mean something, even if it is just to teach us something.

About a year ago, I had a rather interesting and disturbing dream. It made me think a lot about my life, and what I am living it for. I never really think about these things, and often take it for granted.

I woke up, my pillow soaked with my tears. I got up immediately, and retrieved a pin and notebook from my desk, and sat down to write out my dream before it escaped my memory.

I am not really sure where my dream began, but I found myself standing in the middle of a white fog. the ground was gray and perfectly smooth. I could not see farther then about three yards in any direction. Despite the dreary surroundings, it did not seem odd at all that I should be there. It seemed that I had a reason for being there. A reason I couldn’t recall.

As I stood there, I started to see figures in the fog. At first I couldn’t make out who they were, but it didn’t bother me, because it seemed now that I had been waiting for them. As they came closer, I could see who they were. And I knew them. They were all the people that I cared most for in the world.

First came my brother, he had come with me through all the toughest parts of my life. All the times I had wanted to give up. he had been there, right through them all, holding my hand, and holding me up. Of all the people in my life, he was the one I loved the most.

Then my little sister. I had always fought with her about anything and everything. Sometimes I could even say I hated her. There had been times when I would have surely killed her, if she hadn’t been faster on her feet. But she was close to me. In the end, I could always count on her to be company when I needed someone to just sit quietly with. I had never told her how much she had meant to me. Never said I loved her. And now I wished I had. I knew somehow that I would never get the chance again. I had a deep sadness in the pit of my stomach, that I couldn’t shake.

Next came a girl I had known for years. She was three years older then me, and we had not always been friends. We had hated each other at one point, but she had started dating my brother, which made us interact more and more. I had a lot in common with her, and before long I went to her more then I went to my brother.

And then someone that puzzled me. A girl I had not seen in years. She had been one of my only friends as a child, I had not realized until that moment that I missed her. I had not even thought about her in years, but at that moment, all I wanted to do, was to talk to my childhood friend again, to hug her, and tell her about life, to just walk and talk with her again. But the sadness inside me grew, as I knew that I would never get back the innocent friendship we had shared.
Last came Ben. when I had met this boy, I had been 13, and I had thought he was 9. He was small and skinny, and immature. I was very surprised to find that he was actually almost a month older then me. he was annoying and bothersome, he pulled my hair and stole my things, but somehow he crept into my heart without my permission. Stealing a little piece of it for himself.

By now, (two years later) he has grown more then a foot taller, and now I spent most of my time with him. He was very slowly but surely taking over my heart. I hated this. The only person that had ever meant that much to me was my brother, and growing up with him, it never bothered me how much control he had over me for it. Having some boy come in ant take what had taken me 13 years to give to someone else in only two, scared me a little. I had always believed that i was my own. That I could give and take back myself as I pleased, but I couldn’t help it with him.

This is all I have time for at the moment. I know that this is not great, but I hope to become better, and I feel that if I don’t start sharing my writing now, then I won’t ever, and I have only been working on this a couple of weeks, so its not the best, but I do hope that whoever takes time to read it likes it. Please comment and tell me what you think of it, and if anyone likes it, I will post the rest when I have time.

 
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Nyeeeh…it sounds less like a story but more or less a list of people you know. But I do know how it feels to write like this and get a lot of baggage off of your mind, so keep at it! And who knows, maybe you can end up writing an autiobiography or use the key points for a story or something. :)

 
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Originally posted by FlyingPachyderm:

Nyeeeh…it sounds less like a story but more or less a list of people you know. But I do know how it feels to write like this and get a lot of baggage off of your mind, so keep at it! And who knows, maybe you can end up writing an autiobiography or use the key points for a story or something. :)

Lol. I suppose it does. The rest is more like a story actually. but it is all like someone is telling it, so there is no “talking” if you know what I mean. thanks for reading it. I am very surprised that the first comment was nothing negative.

 
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too long. 2/5

 
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Originally posted by Rolby:

too long. 1/5

 
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Originally posted by African_American:
Originally posted by Rolby:

too long. 1/5

dude, i said 2/5, not 1/5. stop changing my posts.

 
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Originally posted by Rolby:

too long. 2/5

Too long? Have you ever read a book? thanks for the 2/5 anyhow.

 
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nice i like it 5/5

 
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is there meant to be any direction to this story or is it going to turn into the dark n’ edgy 2deep4u wankfest I expect it to?

 
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Originally posted by ajx30009:

nice i like it 5/5

Thank you.

 
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Originally posted by Rolby:
Originally posted by African_American:
Originally posted by Rolby:

too long. 1/5


dude, i said 1/5, not 2/5. stop changing my posts.

that’s what I typed….
 
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Originally posted by African_American:
Originally posted by Rolby:
Originally posted by African_American:
Originally posted by Rolby:

too long. 1/5


dude, i said 1/5, not 2/5. stop changing my posts.


that’s what I typed….

stop trying to fool me, troll.

 
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did you really manage to confuse yourself?

it must suck to be going senile at age 11, lmao

 
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Originally posted by African_American:

did you really manage to confuse yourself?

it must suck to be going senile at age 11, lmao

i didnt confuse mysef, u tried to confuse me.

 
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look just calm down, i’m not here to hurt you

i’m your friend

 
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Originally posted by African_American:

look just calm down, i’m not here to hurt you

i’m your friend

good. im ur friend too then.

 
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Originally posted by Rolby:
Originally posted by African_American:

look just calm down, i’m not here to hurt you

i’m your friend

good. im ur friend too then.

0_o You guys should get yourself a room.

 
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It doesn’t feel much like a story, I feel that we don’t really get to know them enough to really feel anything, it sounds like it could be part of a good story though, and it’s well written too so there’s definitely potential, also you might make it better in the latter part of the story, I don’t know, but this small part didn’t bring out any feelings in me.

I’ve also tried writing, mostly sci-fi, so maybe we could help each other out? I could send you a chapter of my longest story, you seem like someone who could give good advice.

 
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holy fuck that was bad

1/5

 
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Originally posted by will222:

It doesn’t feel much like a story, I feel that we don’t really get to know them enough to really feel anything, it sounds like it could be part of a good story though, and it’s well written too so there’s definitely potential, also you might make it better in the latter part of the story, I don’t know, but this small part didn’t bring out any feelings in me.

I’ve also tried writing, mostly sci-fi, so maybe we could help each other out? I could send you a chapter of my longest story, you seem like someone who could give good advice.

I would be very interested in reading that. I have quite a bit of stuff I’m working on, so it would be cool to get someone who is actually interested to give me advice.

 
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tl;dr version – shit happens

 
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Originally posted by Dartjat:

tl;dr version – shit happens

dish
 
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Originally posted by DaigoSolo:

I do not believe that dreams have any meaning when it comes to real life, but sometimes I have a feeling they might be slightly more then just random images produced by our subconscious mind. I automatically dismiss anything that i do not fully understand as something that doesn’t mean anything at all, so I figure that they could actually mean something, even if it is just to teach us something.

About a year ago, I had a rather interesting and disturbing dream. It made me think a lot about my life, and what I am living it for. I never really think about these things, and often take it for granted.

So if dreams have no meaning in real life then why does it have such a profound impact on the main character’s life?

I woke up, my pillow soaked with my tears. I got up immediately, and retrieved a pin and notebook from my desk, and sat down to write out my dream before it escaped my memory.

You really need to proofread. Pen, not pin. Also, your sentence structures need more variation. Instead of “I got up immediately, blah blah blah,” try something different, such as removing a good portion and leaving “I retrieved a pen and notebook”.

I am not really sure where my dream began, but I found myself standing in the middle of a white fog. the ground was gray and perfectly smooth. I could not see farther then about three yards in any direction. Despite the dreary surroundings, it did not seem odd at all that I should be there. It seemed that I had a reason for being there. A reason I couldn’t recall.

As I stood there, I started to see figures in the fog. At first I couldn’t make out who they were, but it didn’t bother me, because it seemed now that I had been waiting for them. As they came closer, I could see who they were. And I knew them. They were all the people that I cared most for in the world.

First came my brother, he had come with me through all the toughest parts of my life. All the times I had wanted to give up. he had been there, right through them all, holding my hand, and holding me up. Of all the people in my life, he was the one I loved the most.

Then my little sister. I had always fought with her about anything and everything. Sometimes I could even say I hated her. There had been times when I would have surely killed her, if she hadn’t been faster on her feet. But she was close to me. In the end, I could always count on her to be company when I needed someone to just sit quietly with. I had never told her how much she had meant to me. Never said I loved her. And now I wished I had. I knew somehow that I would never get the chance again. I had a deep sadness in the pit of my stomach, that I couldn’t shake.

No normal human hates their sister so much that they could kill her, and yet still exhibits emotions such as love and gratitude towards her. This makes zero sense. Unless your character is insane, which it doesn’t seem like, then putting in the part where he says he could’ve killed his sister except for she was faster than him basically makes the reader hate the character right off the bat. He’s a cunt, in other words.

Next came a girl I had known for years. She was three years older then me, and we had not always been friends. We had hated each other at one point, but she had started dating my brother, which made us interact more and more. I had a lot in common with her, and before long I went to her more then I went to my brother.

If he relies on this girl more than his own brother, then saying that his brother is the one he loves the most and that he’s always been there for him makes this statement odd (or vice-versa, depending on the which person the reader believes is more believable for the main character to relate to).

And then someone that puzzled me. A girl I had not seen in years. She had been one of my only friends as a child, I had not realized until that moment that I missed her. I had not even thought about her in years, but at that moment, all I wanted to do, was to talk to my childhood friend again, to hug her, and tell her about life, to just walk and talk with her again. But the sadness inside me grew, as I knew that I would never get back the innocent friendship we had shared.
Last came Ben. when I had met this boy, I had been 13, and I had thought he was 9. He was small and skinny, and immature. I was very surprised to find that he was actually almost a month older then me. he was annoying and bothersome, he pulled my hair and stole my things, but somehow he crept into my heart without my permission. Stealing a little piece of it for himself.

By now, (two years later) he has grown more then a foot taller, and now I spent most of my time with him. He was very slowly but surely taking over my heart.


You already said this.


I hated this. The only person that had ever meant that much to me was my brother, and growing up with him, it never bothered me how much control he had over me for it. Having some boy come in ant take what had taken me 13 years to give to someone else in only two, scared me a little. I had always believed that i was my own. That I could give and take back myself as I pleased, but I couldn’t help it with him.

This is all I have time for at the moment. I know that this is not great, but I hope to become better, and I feel that if I don’t start sharing my writing now, then I won’t ever, and I have only been working on this a couple of weeks, so its not the best, but I do hope that whoever takes time to read it likes it. Please comment and tell me what you think of it, and if anyone likes it, I will post the rest when I have time.

All in all, it’s written pretty well, but it’s not much of a story, as it is a list of all the people the main character (probably in insert for yourself) knows. I didn’t enjoy reading it, because there’s nothing going on, and it’s obvious that there’s not a real point other than for you to share your feelings. Keep writing though, it takes a lot of work to create a story that people will want to read and isn’t just your journal, fancified.

 
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CurryBrace:
1. You read it, then you would see that I did say something about that: I automatically dismiss anything that i do not fully understand as something that doesn’t mean anything at all, so I figure that they could actually mean something, even if it is just to teach us something.
2. Lol, ya I should have proof read that.
3. Do you have a sister? It is very easy to feel both hateful enough to kill her, and love her. And if you ever had a smaller sibling, and were completely honest about it, you would surly admit to wanting very much to strangle them at one point or another.
4. the reason for going to the girl more then the brother that has been there his whole life is the that the character is in fact a female. As she grows older she finds that her brother is becoming less like her, because they are growing up, as a kid, girl and boy have just about everything in common, but as they grow older that changes with puberty, so the character is finding friends that fit the growing up.
5. I don’t understand what you mean by; you already said this.
6. The rest is more like a story actually. but it is all like someone is telling it, so there is no “talking” if you know what I mean. I am very glad that you took the time to read it all, and say so much about it, the whole reason for posting it was for advice, so I do thank you for that. I am glad that you think it was written well.

 
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Me don’t likey this story.