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Jokes

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Just reply with some funny jokes

 
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra…

 
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A fish is frantically rubing is eyes. Another fish ask him what is wrong. The first one reply :“I got water in my eyes!”.

Bouboum tchi !

 
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck between his legs.

The bartender makes the observation, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel between your legs!”

The pirate replies, “Yarr, it’s driving me nuts!”

 
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time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana

 
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Here's some good but long jokes... One Sunday morning when my son was about 5, we were attending church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible. This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector. My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner." Doggy Haiku I love my human; Thus I perfume myself with This long-dead squirrel. I lie belly-up In the sunshine, happier than You ever will be I sound the alarm! Mailman Fiend - come to kill us all Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! I sound the alarm! Neighbor's cat - come to kill us all! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! I lift my leg and Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot - Sniff this and weep My human is home! I am so ecstatic I have Made a puddle I my choke chain - Look, world, they strangle me! Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack! Sleeping here, my chin On your foot - no greater bliss - well, Maybe catching cats I sound the alarm! Dinner guests - come to kill us all Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! The cat is not all Bad - she fills the litter box With Tootsie Rolls Look in my eyes and Deny it. No human could Love you as much I do Dig under fence - why? Because it's there. Because it's There. Because it's there. I am your best friend, Now, always, and especially When you are eating. Excuse Notes These are actual excuse notes from parents for their kids (including original spelling): Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. An Anagram, as you may know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is ly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters: Dormitory --> Dirty Room Evangelist --> Evil's Agent Slot Machines --> Cash Lost in 'em Mother-in-law --> Woman Snooze Alarms --> Alas! No More Z's A Decimal Point --> I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes --> That Queer Shake Eleven plus two --> Twelve plus one A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed, since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago." A Minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!" The sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader, stood very cautiously and announced with a smile -- nearly laughing. "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather At The River."
 
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What do you call an Irishman who’s bouncing off the walls?

Rick O’Shea

 
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boo to duncan beevers! just kidding thats a bad one tho.

 
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I disagree.

 
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Indy, I don’t get i- oh! Haha!

 
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ohhhhhhhhhhhh ouch @indy that one’s bad!
Funny tho…

 
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hahahahhahaaaahah but i still dont get ti could you please explain?

 
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hickory daiquiri, doc = hickory dickory dock

 
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rick o’shea = ricochet

 
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theres a boy in the class and asks the teacher if he can go to the toilet but the teacher says say the alphebet so he does a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z then the teacher says weres the p and he says its runningdown my leg lol a classic joke

 
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oh thats funny luksyrools!

 
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what do u call a irish man with double glazing on his head?…paddy’o’door
resemblance double glazing

 
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huh?

 
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what the…..?

 
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Don’t put down Newgrounds. It’s hella cool. Almost as cool as Kongregate.

 
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Why does Robin Hood steal from the rich???

It´s nothing to steal from the poor!

 
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Honestly, I am vehemently opposed to Newgrounds. Sure, all the good developers started there, then they upgraded to Kongregate. Any site that requires a special section for the “Mature” (explicit) stuff, any site that has a mascot that “has an inhuman propensity for violence” according to the Wikipedia article, I am vehemently opposed to.

 
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Wait, I thought the violence in there started the fuss about Newgrounds being “inhuman”?

 
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there is lots of violence in newgrounds.

 
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i knew a man who was dyslexic but he was also crossed eyed so everything came out right