I'm working on a story/game w/ multiple endings

And this is what I’ve got so far.

Hotel Room

Just read, it’s not done yet, not even halfway done, it’s just about 1/6 of the whole story there. I’m currently looking for people who can say if it’s good so far.

To give you a background about the story, it has multiple endings(as what the title suggests). If you think you’ve come short in your first shot(since the story isn’t finished yet), it wouldn’t hurt to go back to the beginning and start all over again and try a new path. Yes, it has grammatical errors, but I wouldn’t mind it right now, it’s not even done yet. I’ll have it cleaned after it’s done.

Please do share your thoughts about it.

I haven’t read through all of what you have yet, but I do have some comments to make it better.

I would try to make the letter to “you” seem more formal (ex. remove words like “which is called” when referring to the hotel and the game in the hotel.)

There is a small amount of errant grammar (ex. “she hanged up.”) and awkward phrasing (ex. “half and a quarter of your gas tank.”).

I’m sorry that this will seem overly critical, because in reality I like the story so far, but, frankly, your tense use is unacceptable. You constantly have changed between past and present tenses, even occasionally within the same sentence.

Lastly, I have a small technical point to make. You said that the hotel is in South Carolina, and “you” wake up in NYC. If he originally lived in New York, he could not have gotten anywhere in SC in under 11-12 hours without constantly running the speed limit, and you should change the time mentioned. If he didn’t, you should find a place to weave in exactly where he lived so that you don’t get any comments from careful readers once you’re finished.

Thanks for putting that out to view, it seems to have a good chance as a popular story game and it was—mostly—a pleasure to read.

Originally posted by johnthegenius:

I haven’t read through all of what you have yet, but I do have some comments to make it better.

I would try to make the letter to “you” seem more formal (ex. remove words like “which is called” when referring to the hotel and the game in the hotel.)

There is a small amount of errant grammar (ex. “she hanged up.”) and awkward phrasing (ex. “half and a quarter of your gas tank.”).

I’m sorry that this will seem overly critical, because in reality I like the story so far, but, frankly, your tense use is unacceptable. You constantly have changed between past and present tenses, even occasionally within the same sentence.

Lastly, I have a small technical point to make. You said that the hotel is in South Carolina, and “you” wake up in NYC. If he originally lived in New York, he could not have gotten anywhere in SC in under 11-12 hours without constantly running the speed limit, and you should change the time mentioned. If he didn’t, you should find a place to weave in exactly where he lived so that you don’t get any comments from careful readers once you’re finished.

Thanks for putting that out to view, it seems to have a good chance as a popular story game and it was—mostly—a pleasure to read.

It has been pointed out again and again in the past that the tenses suck. And yes, I suck at them. I’m planning to finish it first and edit everything out afterwards(to make everything easier).

Also, english is not my mother tongue, and writing is only a pastime, and I’m not really “that” good with the english language(vocabulary is a bit shallow if you’ve noticed), but at least it’s close to decent. Nevertheless, I’m planning to make this story as a “game” here in Kongregate, and making this type of “Choose your own adventure” narrative story, it needs to at least “look” professional to some degree, yes?

Also, I just randomly searched an address in google, and that address appeared(the south carolina one). Will change it soon.

And thanks for the read+reply.