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~Desolation~

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This is a Pokémon fan fiction I have created, let me know what you think!


I’m finding it hard to wake up, but somehow I will manage. Today is the day I shall set out on my quest to become a Pokémon master! Clumsily galloping downstairs, I see my mom sitting by the TV as usual, watching what was apparently the weather channel. Five percent chance of rain? Awesome, I’ll take that. Looking in the cupboard, I can’t really see anything I want to eat for breakfast. I’m guessing mother heard my shuffling through the cupboards looking for breakfast, because I heard the clack of a frying pan on a burner, and my mother looked at me amused, saying “if you wanted breakfast, all you had to do was ask, silly!”

After I ate my breakfast... well okay, inhaled it, I ran up the stairs to grab my backpack. Mother stored a potion in it for me, as well as a Pokéball, and some spare clothes and the general kind of things you’d need if you were going on an adventure. “Now before you go, remember to tidy up your appearance so that you don’t look like a fool in front of Professor Oak!” Yeah yeah mom, I know... I mean, it’s not like we’ll be talking for very long.

With the conclusion of our short but painfully awkward conversation, I opened the front door and took a quick, but refreshing breath of the revitalizing spring air. A Pidgey was flying overhead, and Mom’s Mr. Mime was sweeping the front porch. I looked at him and waved, and he replied “MR. MIIIIIIMME!” I understood this as a hearty goodbye, and with that, I was off!

Walking into Professor Oak’s lab, I noted all the cool and confusing technology around me, and towards the far wall of the lab, there stood the man of wisdom himself. As I approached him, he waved away his assistant and greeted me. His handshake was friendly but firm. As if he didn’t notice I was about to say something, he interrupted me. “Son, today is a big day for you!” Professor Oak stepped to the side, and behind him, were three Pokéballs resting on a machine, each one glimmering as if they had just been shined. “Go on, choose one of the Pokéballs”, motioned Professor Oak. Hm, decisions... decisions, which one do I want? I suppose I could play eeny meeny miny moe to decide, but I don’t want to regret my choice. Professor Oak noted which Pokéball I picked up and said, “excellent choice, you chose Squirtle! Would you like to give your Squirtle a name?” Hmm, I haven’t given this much thought either. I always wanted my own Squirtle since I saw a TV show about the Squirtle Squad. Squirts? Nah, too easy. Hm... I think I’ll name him Azul. Professor Oak nodded in silent approval as I mentioned what I want to name Squirtle, and gently he said “that’s a very good name, I’m sure Azul will love it. However, I have one more gift for you!” Another gift? Scratching my forehead in confusion, I looked at Professor Oak, wondering how long it was going to take him to tell me what my gift was. Before he said anything, I heard the door slam open with some girls chanting a certain someone’s name. Great, it's Gary Oak. The guy who has made me feel insignificant my entire life.

As he approached his grandfather, his arrogant stroll made me want to hit him, but I knew better than that... all I had to do was simply best him in becoming a Pokémon master. “Hey punk, I see you chose Squirtle, so I guess I’ll choose Bulbasaur then!” jerk! How typical of Gary, he always has to be an obstacle in my path. “That’s a good choice, grandson” Oak exclaimed, “now I want to tell you both something important. For years, I’ve studied the vast world of Pokémon around us, and I have learned a lot. However, it’s time for you two to continue in my place, and explore the world I once did. As I promised, I have one more gift for both of you.” “Can we move this along gramps? I have women that need my attention and this is kinda a drag.” “Gary, have patience. This is of vital importance... I’m embedding my hopes into you two, that you’ll be able to learn more than I ever have.” Ha. That serves you right, Gary...

Oak concluded his speech to us, and wished us well on our journey. As we stepped outside, I began to head my own way when I heard Gary shout “hey, punk, let’s battle to see whose Pokémon is better!” Ugh, lovely. Gary as usual, is completely tactless when it comes to issuing a challenge to someone. Oh well, I guess the only way I can continue on my journey is to play his game. “I choose you, Seedman!” HAHAHAHA! Seedman? What a joke! Gary sent out his “Seedman” gracefully, at least. He’s never been good at showing complete respect for anything. Upon seeing his Bulbasaur, I noticed something weird...

His Bulbasaur’s eyes had an almost evil look to them, like eyes filled with a silent malice that I could not fathom an explanation to. Also something that caught my attention, the bulb on its back wasn’t round like other Bulbasaurs’ bulbs, it had a sharper opening towards the top. “C’mon punk, you gonna send out your Pokémon or what? I don’t have all day to beat you as nice as that would be!” Yeah yeah Gary... I know. Time to snap out of my over-analyzation of his Bulbasaur, it’s time to beat him! I CHOOSE YOU, AZUL!

Wait, what? There’s definitely something weird with his Bulbasaur, but with my Squirtle too? Azul’s eyes unlike Seedman’s, were filled with what looked like a void of emptiness, and his tail seemed much shorter than the typical Squirtle’s, and even more abnormal, instead of having an upward-crescent curve to it, it seemed to sag. Why was I noticing these things? Maybe it’s the anxiety I feel about this whole adventure thing...

While I was chatting with Professor Oak, he mentioned that Squirtle only knew tackle, so I guess that’s what I’ll start with. SQUIRTLE, USE TACKLE! Gary’s Seedman dodged the tackle just barely, and it seems he was preparing to tackle Azul in counter so what would I do now? After taking a few seconds to think, I guess I missed Azul getting tackled but something again was very odd...

Azul didn’t seem harmed, even though there was a slight scratch on his leg he seemed fine, but in his eyes, that creepy void of emptiness seems to have grown. I might just be being paranoid but the void... there’s something odd going on. However, I haven’t noticed any changes with Seedman. His bulb is still the same... at least, I think it is. His eyes still had the silent malice in them, but upon closer inspection, no... it cannot be. Trying to dispel my busy mind, I saw Azul get back up and it’s time to win this battle so I can get on with things. As if reading my mind, Azul charged at Seedman who was still turning around from the last tackle. BOOM! DIRECT HIT! The speed at which Azul charged into Seedman was enough to knock Seedman onto his side. Could this be it? Could I finally have won against Gary Oak? Before I could find out, I saw the red beam that retracts Pokémon into their Pokéballs. Aww, I was so hoping I could have whipped Gary. “Just thought I’d test you out, punk. You’ve got a lot of training to do if you ever wish to beat me!” Typical. Oh well, I’ll definitely beat him next time. Gary paraded off as a car filled with girls pulled him into the front seat and I heard a “SMELL YA LATER!” before the car took off. Well, guess I better be in my way then. Time to leave Pallet Town!

I stepped into the wild grass just outside the Pallet Town limits, and I came across a wild Pidgey. Hm, I have a Pokéball, but do I want to use my only one on a Pidgey? I guess I didn’t have time to really think about this because Pidgey flew in towards my head and if I don’t dodge it, I might be in for some pain. I reached for the Pokéball that Azul was in and sent him out. I’m not sure if this is paranoia anymore, but my eyes automatically darted to Azul’s eyes. The void hasn’t grown since the last time I looked into Azul’s eyes, but the sag in his tail was a little lower. I’m starting to really think something is going on...

The sound of an angry Pidgey reminded me of what I should be paying attention to. It was heading fast at my Azul. Azul, use tackle! Another direct hit. The Pidgey fell to the ground, and seemed out for the count. I grabbed for the empty Pokéball but froze when I looked at Pidgey’s eyes. I’m wishing I didn’t, because what I saw freaked me out. Pidgey’s little determined eyes lost their light. All that was left now was a looming emptiness. Not as empty as Azul’s but I’m starting to develop a theory about this...

Once I collected myself for what seemed like the thousandth time in only an hour since I left home, I pulled Azul back into his ball and gently placed it on the ball holder attached to my belt. I continued on, and just as I thought I was through the grass, a Geodude appeared. It was punching the air in my direction, which I’m assuming, meant that it wanted to battle. Very well then, there’s something I want to see anyways. As I sent Azul out to battle, I paid attention to his tail, and then his eyes to see if anything changed. Nothing. This came as a relief to me, but then I noticed that Geodude made direct contact with Azul, and seemed to be losing its spirit for battle. A normal response I would originally imagine, but then the Geodude’s pupils slowly faded away and the whiteness of its eyes slowly turned a pale purple. When Azul defeated the Pidgey, something similar happened, but the effect wasn’t as profound. The Geodude then collapsed. After putting Azul back in his ball, I walked over and tried to see what was going on with Geodude. The pale purple of its eyes remained and then it stopped breathing. Could it be dead? Its eyes slowly began to shut as though fighting to stay open and once its eyes closed, it rolled over sideways onto the ground. Oh my God... had my Azul just killed this Geodude? I was mortified, tears were streaming down my face even though my brain hadn’t processed being scared yet. Only tears, and they flooded my face. I collapsed to my knees by the deceased Geodude and tried to make sense of what was happening.

I... I can’t believe this. I’ve always heard stories about tough Pokémon that hurt other Pokémon, but kill? This is beyond my comprehension! I began traveling again towards Viridian City, keeping an eye on the Pokéball that housed Azul. I must have been deep enough in thought to be unaware of my surroundings because I walked smack right into someone and fell. The voice yelled “HEY PUNK! WATCH WHERE YOU’RE WALKING OR DO I HAVE TO BEAT YOU AT THAT TOO!?”. Damn it Gary, you’re really getting on my last nerves, and of course, I would never tell him that out loud because he would be oblivious. I looked up and the look on his face seemed almost to match my own. I was dreading what he seemed to be preparing to say. “Hey, I don’t know if you are dealing with what I am, or something similar, but after our battle, Seedman’s eyes began turning a light purple and his expression is totally different now!” My hand flew to my mouth before I even realized I did it. First Pidgey, then Geodude, and now Gary’s Bulbasaur? What brought me back to attention was the distressed look that appeared across Gary’s face, more desperate than before. He told me he took Seedman to several Pokémon centers, and nothing could help him.

“Hey, punk! Are you even listening to me?” My mental voice dripping with sarcasm answered that question very quickly, but my hand was still over my mouth from the sheer shock of what was happening. “I don’t know what to do and day by day, Seedman’s eyes slowly turn a light-purple color!” Gay was practically yelling now, and I thought back to when I noticed what happened with the Geodude once his eyes became a full light purple. “GARY, SEEDMAN IS ABOUT T-” and just then, his Bulbasaur sank to the ground. As it did, the silent malice left its eyes and then they closed. I don’t know how I was reacting because I was REALLY in a state of shock now. I broke out of my shock when I heard Gary scream at the top of his lungs. “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON!?” He collapsed to his knees similarly to how I did when the Geodude died, and teams were flooding his face. Unsure of how to react, I approached Gary very slowly, and then I saw a beam shot from my belt. ...The hell?! I saw Azul’s form began to materialize in front of Gary. I didn’t know what was going on, and my gut was really starting to tell me that something was about to happen. I looked up and made contact with Gary’s eyes. Now it was my turn to scream. Gary’s eyes instantly froze in place, as if held by Azul’s gaze. Azul’s eyes never changed. They retained the same emptiness except this time, I noticed that his eyes lit up that same light purple. Gary’s eyes began turning, his pupils fading and before he knew it, he fell to the ground next to Seedman and I ran over instantly. I checked for a pulse, breathing... something to tell me he was alive. I couldn’t pick up anything, he was dead...

My face became a cascade of salty water, I was beyond shock at this point. Azul was still staring in Gary’s direction. As fast as I could, I ran over and kicked it and it flew a good feet before landing on the ground. It didn’t move. I mean, Gary was a jerk and all, but he didn’t deserve to be killed by this creature... this monster. I immediately began running the other way. I was done with this monstrosity. I didn’t even think about what would happen if I let it free, I just ran as fast as my legs would carry me back towards Pallet Town. I kept hearing a whirring as I ran, but I paid it no attention. My only focus was to make it to Professor Oak’s lab to tell him what happened. I was near Pallet Town after about twenty minutes of running. Before I crossed the town gates, inside of my mind I heard a low almost ghastly voice whisper “I know only desolation” and it repeated itself a few times before it finally stopped when I made it to the door of Oak’s laboratory. I figured it was just a hallucination deriving from my state of hysteria.

Before I opened the door, the voice started again in my head. This time, a little louder and I didn’t realize it, but I was gently shivering. “I know only....” and then the voice cut off. I collapsed to the ground. When I came to, I was back where I had left Gary and his corpse was still there. I could see his closed eyes, but there was blood leaking from under them. I tried to scream, but the voice in my head repeating what it said the first time I heard it, kept me from doing it. My eyes were streaming hot tears again and I couldn’t think straight. All I heard was its voice. Azul’s voice. Azul moved slowly towards me, into my field of vision. I screamed and tried to run but my body was still. What is going on? Before I could try to close my eyes, I saw its eyes. The dull light-purple murdering eyes of Azul began to pierce my own. I could feel an overwhelming creeping death work from my toes up. My vision began to blur, I could hardly make out Azul’s figure until my own eyes closed and I collapsed. The last thing I heard before I died was Azul saying “Desolation... you shall know it too” inside of my head.

No one ever saw what happened to me... or to Gary. Even the Geodude and Pidgey were never found. Rumors went around that Gary and I disappeared and we were eventually considered dead despite that being the reality. There were occasional reports from various cities of unexplained disappearances of people and Pokémon alike. People tried to find the cause of this mystery, but all that was left behind after each incident was a enigmatic, haunting desolation.
 
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Not sure if you’re looking for technical feedback or story feedback, (or both).

Here’s some random observations.

• Watch your tenses. It’s a common mistake, and easy, when you’re writing quickly. For example, in your very first sentence, “I’m finding it hard to wake up,” you’re in present tense, but then suddenly, “I managed.” (Past tense.) The better sentence would be, “I found it hard to wake up but somehow I managed.”

• Mother suggests “cleaning up” to avoid looking like a fool in front of Professor Oak. I stuck on this for a second. Cleaning up, for me, means picking up stuff that’s laying around. I’d recommend something a bit faster here, like “brush your hair,” for example.

• Some of your language gets a bit too flowery. “I opened the door and took a quick, but refreshing breath of the revitalizing spring air.” I think you could say the same thing with fewer words and still get the idea across. (The sentence doesn’t convey a critical part of the plot, so making it more efficient will help readers get to the more exciting stuff sooner.)

• Your transitions are good and efficient. I immediately understood, “…and with that, I was off.” Then, suddenly, walking into Oak’s lab. That worked perfectly.

• Your sentence structure might be a bit elaborate. You could probably use fewer commas and break them up a little more. It’s fine to use short sentences.

• A few of your phrases made me suspicious… perhaps against your attentions. “His handshake was firm, and very warm.” My mind just made that kind of nasty. Something a little easier might be, “His handshake was firmand warm.” Or maybe, “His handshake was friendly but firm.” (There’s something about “very warm” that seems weird. Like, inhumanly warm?)

• I recommend playing up the protagonist’s polite friendship with Professor Oak a little more. This will help contrast Gary’s role later.

• The pokeball choice situation was a little confusing. The protagonist frets over which pokeball to choose, but they’re all identical, (or so you suggest). So there’s nothing to base a decision on… the protagonist “doesn’t want to regret his choice.” Suddenly, he ended up picking Squirtle. (Also, again a tense error.) Where was Squirtle? I think what is meant to happen here is that he ends up choosing one of the balls at random and finds out that he’s chosen Squirtle. This could be rewritten a little bit to make it clear what happened and, more importantly, how our protagonist feels about ending up with a Squirtle. (Happy? Regretful?)

• "Gary motherfucking Oak" seems a little out of place in this story. The tone, so far, has been very PG. I’d just remove the word… the story would be better for it. (Same thing later with “asshole.” The word “jerk” would be more fitting for the tone of the story, I think.)

• I think you used “gallant” when you meant “arrogant.”

• I’d not have your protagonist gloat when Gary gets talked to by Oak. A good plot mechanism is to have the villain’s true character invisible to everyone but the protagonist. This sets up a little more drama and makes our hero a bit more vulnerable.

• Maybe I’m missing something because I’m not up on Pokemon, but the Seedman/Bulbasaur phrases confused me. Is Seedman the Bulbasaur’s name? I’d clarify who is saying what in this exchange.

• Is Gary’s last name Oak?

• There are cars in Palet Town? Seems anachronistic, somehow.

• It’s only very late in the story when you introduce our protagonist’s name. By then it’s a bit confusing. I’d recommend rewriting his name out of it.

• When Azul kills Gary… well, this seems a little heavy for a Pokemon story. In fact, the whole “fade to black” ending is gnarly. Gothic Pokemon fiction.

Beside the WILD tonal spectrum, I like your writing style a lot.

 
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I appreciate your feedback! I will make some changes to the areas you mentioned, as you have made some very valid points. Tense has always been a problem for me, I get it mixed up very easily sometimes without even realizing it. As for the Seedman/Bulbasaur confusion, every trainer when they get a new Pokémon usually give it a personalized nickname of sorts.

The story was meant to be creepy towards the end. I originally intended on this being a creepypasta since the existing Pokémon-based creepypastas were my inspiration for writing this.

Lastly, the reason why there’s some moments where the antagonist seems to enjoy moments of Gary’s character flaws is because I wanted to play on the relationship as Blue perceived it by using mental gestures and conversations that he never actually shares with Gary.

I have made the edits on the OP if you would like to re-read the story. =)

 
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Pretty interesting story. That Squirtle needs an exorcist…….. who will probably be killed by it. I can imagine things really getting bizarre when Azul is a fully evolved Blastoise.