Forums The Arts

Ice and Fire Chapter 1 (SCRAP) (locked)

2 posts

Flag Post

Winterstorm had just returned to camp from hunting duty. On his shoulder, he carried a light-weighted wooden rack, with fresh-caught fish hanging from it. He was the clan’s best hunter. He walked across the bridge, which the water ran below. He walked slowly, surveying the land in which the clan lived in. The beauty of the valley, grassy hills as far as you could see. Upon approaching the entrance of the wooden gate, he was greeted by one of the camp lookouts, Boulder. The lookout nodded swiftly at Winterstorm as he passed by.


Winterstorm had just returned to camp from hunting duty. He was the clan’s best hunter, and on his shoulder he carried a light-weighted wooden rack with fresh-caught fish hanging from it. He walked across the bridge that spanned the running water (Don’t bridges normally have water under them?). He walked slowly, surveying the land where the clan lived. The beauty of the valley – grassy hills as far as you could see. Upon approaching the wooden gate, he was greeted by one of the camp lookouts, Boulder. The lookout nodded swiftly at Winterstorm as he passed by.


The punctuation and expression are bothering me. If you can’t smooth it out a little bit, whether it’s an anthro story, or who’s called what really wont change a thing.
I altered a paragraph to make the expression clearer (to me) but it is somewhat a matter of personal taste, and I’m no writer. Just watch your punctuation.

Edit: I skimmed over the rest, and you also want to be be careful of stating the obvious “the bridge over water” “entrance of the wooden gate” (a gate is inherently an entrance) “the campfire food wrack where food was cooked”….

 
Flag Post

An unknown error keeps deleting my first post in every topic… It is not the admins or mods, some computer error. Please head here to see the story: www.cody-h.deviantart.com