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I would really appreciate constructive criticism

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This is a book i am writing and i want to know if anyone can tell me about what you like and what you dislike and a name for this story. I claim all art and if i see any of this art any wear i will sue you…Unless i give you permission of course
“Once upon a time” what a great way to start a story or we could say “In the beginning” But that’s not important now…so lets just start it off like this.
A time ago before there were any computers or really any technology that we have today off on the green plains in some far off land there lived a family a boy child no older then Nine and his little sister who was Eight with a mother and father.
they lived a normal life in that time the father would go out into there farm and work all day to grow there family some food to sell at the market…But one day that all changed in a nearby land there were rumors of bandits coming and killing whole towns and burning the whole town to the ground and not sparing anyone but that was just a rumor so it did not seem as a threat.

Six months had passed since then and all seemed well when our Nine year old boy Grayson was getting his younger sister Marcileen a present for her birthday.

Grayson decided that he would get her some type of Jewel or some sort of necklace…While he was out he saw all kinds of things he had never seen before because this was his first time leaving his town to the market and after hours of searching he found the perfect necklace.After he purchased the necklace he was so excited to give his sister her birthday present.
While he was walking home he was admiring the necklace it was a purple sapphire set in gold with a red plush rope going around the neck…Still there was something vary strange about the sapphire the old lady he purchased it from said it was the “Stone of the seeker” it almost glowed purple once he was out of its mesmerizing gaze he looked up only to see a living nightmare.
Still about 1000 yards from his village he saw billowing smoke coming from all parts of his village at that moment he put the necklace in his backpack and sprinted to the village to see what happened when he arrived he saw something that would strike fear into his heart for almost his entire life.
What he saw was not a fire gone out of control but he saw thief’s murder’s robber’s rapist’s…Bandits.

Bandits had burned the whole town and are killing every one in it..Grayson understood he had to get to his family and get them out of there now. As he made his way into the city he watched as his friends and neighbors were slaughtered right in front of him as he was hiding and running to his house. When he arrived at his house after hiding form the bandits he saw the one thing that made this whole day even worse there right in front of him were bandits with his father and mother holding swords to there necks and all he could do was watch as they made remarks and beat his parents then they tried to attack his mother when his father saw this he tried to kill one of the bandits but before he could even move a foot a sword went right into his back and as he collapsed his mother met the same fate and all the Grayson could do was to watch his family murdered in front of him while he hid in a cart full of farm tools at that moment his heart was hardened and he swore not only to find and kill every single one of the bandits that burned his city but to kill them all with his fathers sword….and thus a Legacy begins.

what do you guys think pleas leave a comment.

 
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Here is a better place to post that.

 
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Under what claim will you sue me? Not that I would steal anything, but I am curious.

Anyway, that picture is pretty darn sweet. I am always jealous of people who are able to envision and make a picture.

Some feedback: You need help with grammar, compunction and spelling. If you want to be taken seriously as a writer, your use of English needs to be up to par. I’ll just point out a couple things: 1) Learn the correct rules for using ellipses. You are using them incorrectly and way too much. 2) Numbers are not capitalized unless part of a proper name or beginning a sentence. 3) Read up on rules regarding commas. They would help immensely. 4) “thief’s murder’s robber’s rapist’s…Bandits” – That part confused me a bit. The ’s part of the word makes it possessive. If you mean that he saw robbers you would say he saw robbers without the apostrophe.

The story so for seems like standard fantasy fare. The hero seems a bit younger than most stories I’ve read which could lead to some interesting situations.

Anyway, just my two cents. With any feedback, I suggest you ignore what you think is trash feedback and keep what you think is good.

 
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Sue me :D

 
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Writing-wise… pretty much what Atari said. It’s a bit awkward to read but for your age it’s very good, imaginative and a nice intro. I’d probably go deeper into this particular scene if it’s planned to be an actual book, though.

On the artistic side… great pic, but you should probably leave the original artist’s signature on there – http://kyuubi089.deviantart.com/art/steampunk-guy-209802068

 
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I really hope that either you are the same person as kyuubi or one of you have gotten permission from the other :/. I’m not getting a good impression from the fact that you’re threatening to sue for art when it might not even be yours.

As for the story itself:

  • Watch out of grammar and spelling. This includes everything that Atari has noted, verb tense, capitalizations, run-ons, and sentence fragments.
  • The opening feels kind of weird; I see what you’re going for (as I’ve seen this type of intro used before), but if I am reading the tone of your writing correctly, it doesn’t really fit.
  • Why does the village feel that the bandits aren’t a threat? When there’s a rumor, there tends to be a reason for that rumor, and there should at least be some sort of reaction.
  • You might want to specify that the “then” that six months had passed from was the time that the rumors had arrived.
  • Be more descriptive. And by this, I do not mean replacing words with synonyms. Truly elaborate and flesh out the world and situation. In simple terms, “show not tell”. As you can tell, a lot of the plot problems listed can be fixed through elaboration.
  • How does a 9 year old calculate that the distance to his village is near a thousand yards?
  • How did he make it to his house without getting detected by bandits when his neighbors were all found and slaughtered?
  • Why didn’t he attempt to save his friends?
  • How did he get his father’s sword without the bandits killing him? Was he already holding it?
  • As little as length truly matters, it seems a little short for a whole chapter.
 
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Originally posted by NeilSenna:

Writing-wise… pretty much what Atari said. It’s a bit awkward to read but for your age it’s very good, imaginative and a nice intro. I’d probably go deeper into this particular scene if it’s planned to be an actual book, though.

On the artistic side… great pic, but you should probably leave the original artist’s signature on there – http://kyuubi089.deviantart.com/art/steampunk-guy-209802068

well i am the original artist i just changed the font and legal name to make it easier to read
 
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Originally posted by 12grayson:
Originally posted by NeilSenna:

Writing-wise… pretty much what Atari said. It’s a bit awkward to read but for your age it’s very good, imaginative and a nice intro. I’d probably go deeper into this particular scene if it’s planned to be an actual book, though.

On the artistic side… great pic, but you should probably leave the original artist’s signature on there – http://kyuubi089.deviantart.com/art/steampunk-guy-209802068

well i am the original artist i just changed the font and legal name to make it easier to read

Why then, is your art style completely different, as evidenced by the thread in OT?

 
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Jesus christ. Punctuation isn’t a burden, it’s a fucking tool to make text walls more readable: Use. More. Full. Stops (I believe they’re called ‘periods’ in the land of the ‘free’). Don’t worry about grammar thing, just make it read nice.

 
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Originally posted by 12grayson:
Originally posted by NeilSenna:

Writing-wise… pretty much what Atari said. It’s a bit awkward to read but for your age it’s very good, imaginative and a nice intro. I’d probably go deeper into this particular scene if it’s planned to be an actual book, though.

On the artistic side… great pic, but you should probably leave the original artist’s signature on there – http://kyuubi089.deviantart.com/art/steampunk-guy-209802068

well i am the original artist i just changed the font and legal name to make it easier to read

Bullshit.

 
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Considering Kyuubi is a female and your profile says male…your either very confused, transgender or full of lies.

 
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