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Seeking feedback for interactive fiction game text

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I made a little interactive fiction game about 2 years ago. The first draft of my second is now available for scrutiny: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cs_Sp5HFZcouZ2Vmv2qnavALfNdc_67uKuygldKFf7c/edit

Please leave any feedback you have, either in this thread, over a private message, or as a comment on the document itself. Be honest!

Also, concept art: https://docs.google.com/open?id=0ByTsK3yeU9BkWE1EZ3dSVW9WWFU

 
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Very intriguing read, Greg. I’ve read most of it and I think it’s brilliant. It’s inspiring and quite a well-planned story.
I hope you go through with the sequel.
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