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I wrote a short story yesterday and I want to see if it gets the reaction I’m hoping for. Please enjoy:
Lola could see the couple in the apartment next to hers fighting, first with words, then with fists, as she walked in, hanging her car keys on the key holder her brother had built for her. Lola could see the painting on the wall, the one of the sunset and the meadow, as she poured her coffee. What Lola didn’t see, was the man hiding in her closet with a knife. What Lola didn’t see, was the splurt of blood splattering the man’s face as he stabbed, deep into her heart, leaving a hole that could not be mended. What Lola did not see, was the man’s look of excitement turn to fear as he realized he had just commited a crime far worse than burglary. What Lola did not see, was her heart slowly pump all the blood out of her body. What Lola did not see, was her brother coming two hours later, to check on her, and being horrified as he stepped in the pool that was covering the kitchen tiles. What Lola did not see, was her brother’s face, slowly changing over the days, from mourning to one of relief. What Lola did not see, were two bullies following him out of school, and clapping him on the back for “finally having someone getting rid of your retard sister” What she did not see was her brother smiling, and agreeing with them. What Lola saw, was the picture from her kitchen wall. She saw herself inside of it, playing in the meadow with the other ghosts. But what Lola did see, if she tried really hard, was her brother’s smile. And that made her feel better, when she was sad that she couldn’t find him in the meadow.
Okay, so the repetition is fine as a concept, but realistically, saying “What Lola blah blah…” more than 3 times is just silly. The count for saying what Lola could and could not see is about 13, and that made me laugh, it was like I was reading a report from the Opticians. And then it changes as well, from “didn’t see” to “did not see”, which doesn’t make sense – the repetition is the same with the grammar inconsistent. There’s some other repetition in there which I’m guessing wasn’t on purpose, when you use pronouns like the word “her” 3 times in this part of the first sentence:
_“…as she walked in, hanging her car keys on the key holder her brother had built for her.”_
When you could say:
_“She shuffled in, hanging the jingling keys on the holder her brother built.”_
What I did there, was cut that second half of the sentence into its own sentence, changed “walked” into a more interesting verb in the context, added “jingling” to the keys for the same reason, and removed the two extra instances of “her”. It’s little changes like those that will make up the bait that gets the reader caught on your fishing rod, y’know? I didn’t even think I was going to type this much, didn’t even think I was gonna post when I opened the thread. Hope it helped.
Well, first of all, the whole point is that it’s based entirely on the sense of sight. Second of all, thank you for the assistance with the sentence, and third, thank you for providing constructive criticism.
> *Originally posted by **[NimbusCloud26](/forums/5/topics/321918?page=1#posts-6778384):***
> Well, first of all, the whole point is that it’s based entirely on the sense of sight.
Sorry, that’s not the feeling the repetition evoked for me.
Perhaps describing what’s seen more than merely telling us would make it more acute. I didn’t pick up the lack of other senses, because lets face it – even our sight isn’t working. We’re not looking around in your story. Merely being told what was and wasn’t seen.
I like the idea behind the story, however I don’t like the story itself. The grace that could have been achived from the repetition falls short and ends up sounding more like a tanker truck running over a herd of turtles. But, as I said before, the idea is good, it just needs a better vehicle to deliver it in. Have you considered turning it into a poem? That would take the focus off of rather non-existant causality and put it more onto the flow of images. I’m not trying to be overbearing, just trying to help. L
Don’t worry about it. I would’ve loved if you elaborate more on the last portion of the story because I don’t see any form of mental retardation with Lola. Care to explain.
Just to let you know, you need to clear up a bit more at what you’re trying to express because right now, I’m having a bit of trouble understanding the story.