Forums The Arts

Sunset

2 posts

Flag Post
Sunset

Intro
My whole life I had always felt like an outcast. I was an outsider to every social group I could find. I was rejected, ignored, and unwanted. I lived with only my mother. My father had died when I was seven, and I never could let that go. I would never forget watching him in that hospital bed, his eyes closed and his beard gray. I cried for several months after that dreadful day, and my life was a wreck from that point on. I never thought I could experience joy or happiness or love a living soul besides my mother ever again. Then, I met her. Her perfectly smooth and flawless skin was the color of peaches. Her blonde, flowing hair was as bright and beautiful as the sun. I instantly forgot my depression and left my grief behind as I walked towards her. She was the nicest person I had ever met, but she had something about her much better. She had the ability to look beyond my shell of sadness and see the true me underneath. She made me expierence things that I never thought I would go through again. I was happy.

Race
I remember when we were close friends, just barely in our teens. We were walking home from the park when she got a fierce gleam in her eyes. “Race you back to the house.”
I grinned. “You’re on.” We sprinted at the door, and I watched in disbelief as she bolted past me to the door. I reached the door and felt a tinge of anger inside of me, but I looked up to see her smiling at me and the anger vanished.

River
I remember when we were sitting near the river, basking in the sun next to each other. She suddenly stands up and suggests we go swimming. Together, we creep towards the water until we’re waist deep. I notice she’s no longer beside me and turn around. A splash of water slams into my face as she grins from ear to ear. I laugh and splash her back. We keep splashing each other until it’s very late and we’re forced to go home. I smile to myself and hope we can do it again.
Pebbles
I remember when we were wandering around town with nothing to do. We side by side, looking for anything of interest to satisfy our boredom. She spots some pebbles lying on the ground and a fierce gleam returns to her eyes. She picks up two pebbles and hands one to me.
She points to a house several yards away. “I bet you can’t throw a pebble over that house.” I grin and bring my arm back. I swing it forwards and watch the rock soar over the roof.
I turn to her. “Now, let’s see you do it.” She grins back and chucks the pebble as hard as she can. However, she releases too late and the rock slams into a window, breaking glass. We hear yelling inside and the door opens. She grabs my arm and pulls me back the way we came to avoid trouble.

Snow
I remember when we were walking through the abundance of snow to get home. She clasped her hand in mine. I felt the warmth of her fingers and she smiled at me. She suddenly tripped on a rock hidden beneath a blanket of snow. I barely manage to grab her hand tighter and stop her from hitting the ground.
I look at her, concern in my eyes. “Are you okay?”
She smiles, throws a fistful of snow in my face, and runs off. “Catch me if you can!”

First Date
I remember when we got a bit older. I had finally mustered up the courage to ask her up and she accepted with a smile. We went to a fancy italian resturant and we were seated in a small table right next to the window. We smiled at each other and I felt her grab my hand from underneath the table.
She looked me right in the eyes. "I"m glad you asked me out." The waiter almost interrupted, but one look at us, he decided to come a bit later.
She continued, “I always liked you.”
I smiled. “I always liked you too.” She squeezed my hand tighter and the waiter came. I tipped thirty percent that night.
Shining Armor
I remember when we went to see a movie about a knight coming to a princess’s aid and saving her from an evil dragon. It was very cliche, but the both of us enjoyed it a lot. We shared a bag of popcorn and we each had a drink. My arm was wrapped around her throughout the whole movie. During the ride home, she brought up the part where the knight finally kills the dragon and saves the princess.
I look back at her. “I’d always come to save you.”
She’s quiet for a moment, and I feel like I’ve done something wrong, but then, she smiles. “I know you would.”

Hiking Trip
I remember when we were on a class hiking trip. The sun was blazing down on us, making the trip miserable, and the whole trip was up a steep mountain full of dust and dirt. My head grew dizzy, and I felt like I would collapse at any second. Looking around, I knew that everybody else felt the same way. I suddenly slip on a pile of dirt and begin to topple over the mountainside. Fast as a viper, she latches onto my arm and saves me from death. She pulls me up to my feet, and everybody stares at me. They were probably judging me for needing to help of my girlfriend to survive, but really, I couldn’t care less. She was with me, and that’s all that mattered.

Picture Day
I remember when we had our first picture day of the school day. I had never been able to smile for cameras, and my smile came out forced and awkward. Looking at her picture however, I couldn’t help staring at how perfect she looked. Her beautiful, radiating smile spread across her flawless skin, and I couldn’t help smiling by just looking at it. I looked at her to tell her how great she looked in the picture, but she complained that her mouth looked off. I argued and said how I couldn’t see anything at all wrong with the picture and she smiled. The space between us was closed within seconds and her lips pressed against mine.
She parted for a second and whispered to me. “You silly boy.”

Our Junior Prom
I remember when we got older and out relationship deepened. We were attending out Junior Prom together and she looked amazing. I picked her up in my car and we pulled out of the driveway to head for the dance. Her hand held mine and she smiled at me during the whole ride. The second we arrived, we got on the dance floor. I looked like a complete fool out there, next to this beautiful and graceful women, but I didn’t care. I danced my cares away and even forgot about my father. That was one of the amazing moments I had with her when spending time with her made nothing else matter.

Air Hockey War
I remember when we went to the fantastic Rec Center in our town and played a game of air hockey. We started the game and she had her usual cocky smile spread across her face. I grinned and we started the game. The first point was scored by me. She expected it to be an easy win for her, but I surprised her by hitting a hard shot straight into the goal. She got a fierce gleam in her eyes that I had learned to be wary around and she scored elevent points in a row to win the game. She laughed at me, and I laughed with her. She grabbed my hand and we walked around for more things to do.

The Real Knight
I remember when I had gotten into a fight with the biggest bully in school. I wouldn’t let him copy off my test and now, he was about to pund my face in. He cornered me in an alleyway and hit punch after punch at me. I hadn’t been able to beat him or even defend myself. He was too big and too strong. I collapsed back against the wall, my face smeared with blood. He raised his fist again and I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the heart wrenching blow. I heard a crack as something broke, but I never felt the blow. I opened my eyes and saw the bully lying on the ground, his hand cradling his injured jaw. She was standing over with a look of hate at him. She walked over to me and pulled me up. Her arms wrapped around me as she pulled me into a hug and I couldn’t help crying into her shoulder.

The Sunset Bridge
I remember when we were sitting together on the bridge overlooking the river, staring at the beautiful sunset shining over the horizon. My arm was wrapped around her and hers around me. We stared out into the sunset practically mesmerized by it’s beauty.
I looked at her beautiful face and words slipped out of my mouth that I never thought would again. “I love you.” She stared at me for several seconds, her face serious, but loving.
She squeezed my hand and smiled at me. “I love you too.” I leaned in to kiss her, and I knew in my heart that the words I had spoken were true. When our lips parted, I just held her, staring off into the beautiful sunset. I could’ve sat there for all eternity with the women I loved. That was the last time I ever saw her.

Loss
The very next night after the bridge, I lounged on the sofa, watching the news. It was my second week of summer vacation, so I figured I might as well relax. The news was pretty boring tonight, even more than usual, but then, I saw something. They were describing a murder of one of the girls from my school and it took me a few seconds to realize who it was. It was her. I spent what seemed like hours just staring at the television. I felt nor portrayed any emotion. All I felt was hollowness. I felt like my heart had died, and I was slowly dying with it. Suddenly, rage boiled beneath my hollow exterior. I leaped to my feet and dashed to the door. My mom saw the expression on my face and tried to stop me, but I was already opening the door. I bolted out the house, my mom calling out to me behind. Tears began to finally stream down my face, and I ran faster still. Blinded by tears and rage, I dashed across down, pushing fast anybody who got in my way. I finally got to the bridge, our bridge, and rested my head on the railing. I held my head there for minutes, whimpering and shuddering.
I finally jerked my head up and yelled at the sky. “How can you be so cruel?” I rested my head back down and let the remainder of my tears drop down into the water. I couldn’t cry any more than that. There was just nothing left inside of me to cry. She had been everything in my life, and I had lost her. I looked out ahead of me and saw the beautiful sunset dropping below the horizon. I watched as the beautiful, flawless sunset sunk beneath the mountains and was replaced by darkness.
 
Flag Post

Can I ask what the purpose of this story was? Was this based on a true story or fiction? I highly recommend going back and reading the entire story out loud so you can fix grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors that you had. Beyond editing and proof-reading:

  • Felt slightly cliché in a few areas – This includes the the part about the father’s death, certain parts of the story that I felt could have been expanded (remember the key rule of writing: show, don’t tell), basically just pick apart at your sentences and think of how you can use more stronger vocabulary and/or word choice
  • Lovely short story – I enjoyed reading it and the writing style reminded me heavily of one of my own short stories I wrote over a year ago. It was interesting to see how much I’ve grown as a writer since then so I thank you for this piece

Can I ask if you wrote this for a creative writing class? I think you’re growing fine as a writer and while there are definitely things I’d change as you mature more with your writing style, I definitely didn’t hate it and enjoyed it. Keep writing! I hope to see more of it soon.