Everybody Edits, The Game | Chapter 10: Thirdy and Iceknight page 2

Mmm… I like Chapter 4 the most. I get to fight a bad guy! Yep, this story ain’t bad at all. Great job! :D

EE name: prinny171/1000prinny

Appearance:Ninja or Robber

Personality: likes Everybody edits

Chapter 5, 6 and 7 Released!

• Might be needing more.
• Note that its all about androids in these chapters.

I wonder how I can make a nuke from blocks in seconds. I was expecting more of some hand-to-hand fighting, or better yet, with medieval-modern-futuristic weapons. (listens to AoD theme song)

Or better yet, give me the Gun of Madness, a simple revolver that is crazy powerful.

EE Name: Alexislag
Appearance: Ninja/Knight or Worker/Commando
Personality: Sometimes Silent but Good

I don’t really know if you will completely disregard this, because you have every other correction others have tried to make, but I am hoping you will use this to better your story.

Originally posted by gio500:

This story is about a boy who entered the game, Everybody Edits.

Chapter 1: Roar of Lightning
It was lightly raining for 12 hours. I was bored and had read every book I bought. I went up upstairs and I found an ad and I was interested on it. The name of the website was “Kongregate”. I stayed in it and there was a player who soon linked in the chat to a game. I clicked on it and it redirected me to a game. It was loading so slow so I went into another game another player gave me. It had a smiley and was named “Come here for free money!”, I clicked on it. My mom soon was looking for me because she wanted me to clean the house. I ignored her and then there was a big roar of lightning. Another one roared again and in a few seconds all I saw was white. I closed my eyes and fell asleep. I was awakened by a smiley.

It is incorrect and highly unprofessional to write “12” as a number rather than as the word. Instead of using “and” twice, try using commas to make the sentence “I went upstairs, found an ad, and became interested in it.” I don’t really know why you put a comma after “Come here for free money!” However, it is incorrect and should be removed. You need a comma between “me” and “because”, because they are independent clauses. Lightning does not roar. I think you meant to say thunder. Finally, “awakened” is horrible grammar. The correct word to use would be “awoken”.

Originally posted by gio500:

Chapter 2: Robbers And Docs
I woke up in a hospital. “Hello, I am DeadHero”, “I saw you severely injured and wanted to help”, he said. I screamed in pain and the patients, nurses and doctors fell silent. There was a doctor who came to help me. A bolt of lightning struct on me. I saw its reflection and then…. I am a smiley! I freaked out. “Argh! Why..Why am I a smiley?”, I said. I left and thanked the doctors after then. I soon went into a road then I saw there were lots of people. Some were playing minigames, Some were building buildings. Soon, on my right, there was a bank. There were two robbers. Asedrfffffffffffff and Iceknight22. I said “Stop!”. They were getting lots and lots of coins. I noticed that I dont have a name yet. Soon, they asked me to get in the car and heed to be killed by their master.

I have no idea why you have separate quote pairs when it is the same person speaking. I’m guessing that you broke that up to fit the comma there. However, that comma should be a period and it should be within the quotes instead of outside them anyways so make it just one quote pair. The second comma should also be inside the quotes. You need a comma after nurses, because you are listing things. Like Doot said, you can’t see your reflection on a bolt of lightning and you’re phrasing it like you saw the lightning bolt’s reflection on a mirror or something. By “I am a smiley!”, I am assuming that you are thinking that or if you accidentally changed it to present tense. Regardless, either way, that statement is still incorrect. If you want to make yourself thinking that, say “I thought” or something similar and then put the text in italics so people know what you are thinking and what you are not. If you want it in past tense, then put “was” instead of “am”. It’s your choice, but I think the “….”s should be removed after then, because they are really only used to indicate pauses in peoples thinking or talking. You might want to add more sentences emphasizing your fear and surprise at becoming a smiley, because “I left and thanked the doctors” completely destroys the mood you were trying to create. The “s” in the second “Some” does not need to be capitalized as it is not the beginning of a new chapter. You need a comma after “I said” to indicate the break between the narration and what you are saying. You changed to present tense after that. Make “don’t” “didn’t” to have the correct tense. I don’t think you used “heed” correctly as heed means “to be aware of” and being them telling you to be aware that you are about to die is either really retarded by them or not what you were going for.

I was planning on correcting the whole story, but there were a lot more errors than I thought so I’ll just do this for now. I might do more later, but for now, please just make these corrections.

Originally posted by michaelan:

I don’t really know if you will completely disregard this, because you have every other correction others have tried to make, but I am hoping you will use this to better your story.

Originally posted by gio500:

This story is about a boy who entered the game, Everybody Edits.

Chapter 1: Roar of Lightning
It was lightly raining for 12 hours. I was bored and had read every book I bought. I went up upstairs and I found an ad and I was interested on it. The name of the website was “Kongregate”. I stayed in it and there was a player who soon linked in the chat to a game. I clicked on it and it redirected me to a game. It was loading so slow so I went into another game another player gave me. It had a smiley and was named “Come here for free money!”, I clicked on it. My mom soon was looking for me because she wanted me to clean the house. I ignored her and then there was a big roar of lightning. Another one roared again and in a few seconds all I saw was white. I closed my eyes and fell asleep. I was awakened by a smiley.

It is incorrect and highly unprofessional to write “12” as a number rather than as the word. Instead of using “and” twice, try using commas to make the sentence “I went upstairs, found an ad, and became interested in it.” I don’t really know why you put a comma after “Come here for free money!” However, it is incorrect and should be removed. You need a comma between “me” and “because”, because they are independent clauses. Lightning does not roar. I think you meant to say thunder. Finally, “awakened” is horrible grammar. The correct word to use would be “awoken”.

Originally posted by gio500:

Chapter 2: Robbers And Docs
I woke up in a hospital. “Hello, I am DeadHero”, “I saw you severely injured and wanted to help”, he said. I screamed in pain and the patients, nurses and doctors fell silent. There was a doctor who came to help me. A bolt of lightning struct on me. I saw its reflection and then…. I am a smiley! I freaked out. “Argh! Why..Why am I a smiley?”, I said. I left and thanked the doctors after then. I soon went into a road then I saw there were lots of people. Some were playing minigames, Some were building buildings. Soon, on my right, there was a bank. There were two robbers. Asedrfffffffffffff and Iceknight22. I said “Stop!”. They were getting lots and lots of coins. I noticed that I dont have a name yet. Soon, they asked me to get in the car and heed to be killed by their master.

I have no idea why you have separate quote pairs when it is the same person speaking. I’m guessing that you broke that up to fit the comma there. However, that comma should be a period and it should be within the quotes instead of outside them anyways so make it just one quote pair. The second comma should also be inside the quotes. You need a comma after nurses, because you are listing things. Like Doot said, you can’t see your reflection on a bolt of lightning and you’re phrasing it like you saw the lightning bolt’s reflection on a mirror or something. By “I am a smiley!”, I am assuming that you are thinking that or if you accidentally changed it to present tense. Regardless, either way, that statement is still incorrect. If you want to make yourself thinking that, say “I thought” or something similar and then put the text in italics so people know what you are thinking and what you are not. If you want it in past tense, then put “was” instead of “am”. It’s your choice, but I think the “….”s should be removed after then, because they are really only used to indicate pauses in peoples thinking or talking. You might want to add more sentences emphasizing your fear and surprise at becoming a smiley, because “I left and thanked the doctors” completely destroys the mood you were trying to create. The “s” in the second “Some” does not need to be capitalized as it is not the beginning of a new chapter. You need a comma after “I said” to indicate the break between the narration and what you are saying. You changed to present tense after that. Make “don’t” “didn’t” to have the correct tense. I don’t think you used “heed” correctly as heed means “to be aware of” and being them telling you to be aware that you are about to die is either really retarded by them or not what you were going for.

I was planning on correcting the whole story, but there were a lot more errors than I thought so I’ll just do this for now. I might do more later, but for now, please just make these corrections.

Yea…I completely respect you michaelan in a good way. What I mean is that you ask for me corrections wisely. Example:

Originally posted by dootdootdoot:

I assure you, your story is RIDDLED with errors, and they are all EXTREMELY bothersome. The one that most bothers me and I’d like to point out to you is that you claim to have seen your reflection on a bolt of lightning. A) A bolt of lightning would’ve been much too fast for you to have made out anything on the surface of, unless being a smiley also came with superhuman vision. B) Lightning is not glass, it’s a plasma. You can’t see your reflection on it, just like you can’t see your reflection on the sun.

Good day.

I hate it.

I see your reasoning and I completely agree with it. You’re a good writer so keep writing. :D

QQ more sunshine, I don’t need to sugarcoat that you’ve made mistakes. If someone points out legitimate errors in something that you’ve done, even if they’re screaming curses at you, you should still strive to fix them.

EE Name:Solonggulle
Apperance:Ninja,Templar
Personality:(GOOD-BAD) (Same for me ,Though)

Originally posted by michaelan:

I don’t really know if you will completely disregard this, because you have every other correction others have tried to make, but I am hoping you will use this to better your story.

Originally posted by gio500:

This story is about a boy who entered the game, Everybody Edits.

Chapter 1: Roar of Lightning
It was lightly raining for 12 hours. I was bored and had read every book I bought. I went up upstairs and I found an ad and I was interested on it. The name of the website was “Kongregate”. I stayed in it and there was a player who soon linked in the chat to a game. I clicked on it and it redirected me to a game. It was loading so slow so I went into another game another player gave me. It had a smiley and was named “Come here for free money!”, I clicked on it. My mom soon was looking for me because she wanted me to clean the house. I ignored her and then there was a big roar of lightning. Another one roared again and in a few seconds all I saw was white. I closed my eyes and fell asleep. I was awakened by a smiley.

It is incorrect and highly unprofessional to write “12” as a number rather than as the word. Instead of using “and” twice, try using commas to make the sentence “I went upstairs, found an ad, and became interested in it.” I don’t really know why you put a comma after “Come here for free money!” However, it is incorrect and should be removed. You need a comma between “me” and “because”, because they are independent clauses. Lightning does not roar. I think you meant to say thunder. Finally, “awakened” is horrible grammar. The correct word to use would be “awoken”.

Originally posted by gio500:

Chapter 2: Robbers And Docs
I woke up in a hospital. “Hello, I am DeadHero”, “I saw you severely injured and wanted to help”, he said. I screamed in pain and the patients, nurses and doctors fell silent. There was a doctor who came to help me. A bolt of lightning struct on me. I saw its reflection and then…. I am a smiley! I freaked out. “Argh! Why..Why am I a smiley?”, I said. I left and thanked the doctors after then. I soon went into a road then I saw there were lots of people. Some were playing minigames, Some were building buildings. Soon, on my right, there was a bank. There were two robbers. Asedrfffffffffffff and Iceknight22. I said “Stop!”. They were getting lots and lots of coins. I noticed that I dont have a name yet. Soon, they asked me to get in the car and heed to be killed by their master.

I have no idea why you have separate quote pairs when it is the same person speaking. I’m guessing that you broke that up to fit the comma there. However, that comma should be a period and it should be within the quotes instead of outside them anyways so make it just one quote pair. The second comma should also be inside the quotes. You need a comma after nurses, because you are listing things. Like Doot said, you can’t see your reflection on a bolt of lightning and you’re phrasing it like you saw the lightning bolt’s reflection on a mirror or something. By “I am a smiley!”, I am assuming that you are thinking that or if you accidentally changed it to present tense. Regardless, either way, that statement is still incorrect. If you want to make yourself thinking that, say “I thought” or something similar and then put the text in italics so people know what you are thinking and what you are not. If you want it in past tense, then put “was” instead of “am”. It’s your choice, but I think the “….”s should be removed after then, because they are really only used to indicate pauses in peoples thinking or talking. You might want to add more sentences emphasizing your fear and surprise at becoming a smiley, because “I left and thanked the doctors” completely destroys the mood you were trying to create. The “s” in the second “Some” does not need to be capitalized as it is not the beginning of a new chapter. You need a comma after “I said” to indicate the break between the narration and what you are saying. You changed to present tense after that. Make “don’t” “didn’t” to have the correct tense. I don’t think you used “heed” correctly as heed means “to be aware of” and being them telling you to be aware that you are about to die is either really retarded by them or not what you were going for.

I was planning on correcting the whole story, but there were a lot more errors than I thought so I’ll just do this for now. I might do more later, but for now, please just make these corrections.

grammar nazi much? :D
PS, we don’t need an entire english class :D

EE Name : DragonOfWar
Apperance : Snowman
Personality : Likes to eat muffin,would do almost anything for one. (Neutral)

Originally posted by Dragonice:

EE Name : DragonOfWar
Apperance : Snowman
Personality : Likes to eat muffin,would do almost anything for one. (Neutral)

You remind me of a guy I met once,He was called muffinator,I bothered him so much with the muffin I remember him lol xD

EE Name: Thirdy
Appearance: Terminator
Personality: Likes blowing up his enemies with rockets, but would sometimes use life matter / air energy (choose!) around him to blast them with it. =Under Story Decision!=

I wanna join this story
ee name : chaosdrapichu
appearance : coy
Occpution : ninja in a abandoned building
what he does : i kill anyoen who comes into teh building whith mah giant sword
Side : good

Originally posted by Thirdy:

EE Name: Thirdy
Appearance: Terminator
Personality: Likes blowing up his enemies with rockets, but would sometimes use life matter / air energy (choose!) around him to blast them with it. =Under Story Decision!=

Accepted. You will be Android #2, a fast lightning bot.

Originally posted by chaosdrapichu2:

I wanna join this story
ee name : chaosdrapichu
appearance : coy
Occpution : ninja in a abandoned building
what he does : i kill anyoen who comes into teh building whith mah giant sword
Side : good

Declined. Follow the instructions.

Originally posted by Dragonice:

EE Name : DragonOfWar
Apperance : Snowman
Personality : Likes to eat muffin,would do almost anything for one. (Neutral)

Accepted. You will be uhh.. Inn owner. We would pay muffins.

Originally posted by alexislag:

EE Name: Alexislag
Appearance: Ninja or Knight or Worker
Personality: Sometimes Silent but Good

Helping us defeat Android 2.

Originally posted by uruguay_noma:

EE Name:Solonggulle
Apperance:Ninja,Templar
Personality:(GOOD-BAD) (Same for me ,Though)

I dont know about you, you seem to have copyed my side thing but…Accepted, Good Knight.

Muffins XDXDXD

Originally posted by AndreiTan:

Muffins XDXDXD

Yea, what about muffins?

Finally! I get to be the 2nd Android in the story! XD

Originally posted by alexislag:

EE Name: Alexislag
Appearance: Ninja or Knight or Worker
Personality: Sometimes Silent but Good

I forgot to type the commando before because i don’t have that smiley before.

EE name : chaosdrapichu
Appearance : grinch , happy
Personality : Has a pure sense of rage . If someone fights me i will always fight back . iam normally very talky

Dragonice=Muffin Lover lol

Originally posted by alexislag:

Dragonice=Muffin Lover lol

IKR?

Have you finished the battle part yet? I’ve been waiting for days and there’s still no update!

EE name : Amatarasu
Appearance :Terminator
Personality : Has little sense of time likes seafood and is very happy and talkative or a very angry man who can kill Hitler with his voice