The Marriage Process.

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The marriage process is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. More specifically is if there a best amount of time to date before getting married. Before I say anything else I feel like I should say that, as of right now, I have no intention of getting married and I am not involved in any sort of romantic relationship with anyone. I just find the topic interesting and I am curious to hear some other opinions on it.

In my mind the dating process is used as a means of determining whether or not two people are compatible enough to spend the rest of their lives together. The reason I specify in my mind is because I have noticed a large amount of people dating solely for the purpose of sex, which is a separate topic all on it’s own. In this period of dating two people are going to get to know a lot more about each other, my question is how much time will it take to get to know enough about the person before marriage is an intelligent and well thought out option?

Obviously within the first year or so would not be a great time because couples are still in the “honeymoon faze”, but would waiting 4-5 years come across as an excessive amount of time? I mean the couple has been together for 4-5 years without incident, so maybe they would have a pretty good grasp on how well marriage would work between them. The couple would still only be dating so not every personality flaw would have come out by then, and let’s say that the couple has not lived together at all during this time. Would they have spent enough time together to have a pretty firm grasp on how successful their marriage would be? Or should they wait for a longer period of time?

Another aspect I’m curious about is how the couples ages would would effect the decision making process. More specifically is there is a certain age range that would be best at determining whether marriage would work between them, as well as being best at making the changes associated with married life? I feel that early twenties is too young of an age range just because I feel that the decision would be made too quickly and be based on passion rather than compatibility. I feel that there is an age range that is too old, simply because I feel that if people are single for too long of a period would be too stuck in their ways to make the compromises and lifestyle changes associated with marriage. So is late twenties or early thirties the age range where the couples can make the best decision regarding whether or not they should get married?

I realize that the answers to my questions vary based on the individuals. This is just a topic I find interesting and I am curious to hear other people’s thoughts. Perhaps other people with more experience in this area can provide some more insight. Perhaps I’ll get some insight based on how other people plan to approach marriage and dating in their own life. Either way I think it will be interesting to hear other’s opinions.

 
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I agree, romance is a hard science and as such you can ask for specific info like the exact amount of time it takes to get over the “honeymoon faze”

 
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…Love is a choice.

 
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Don’t get married, it’s not worth it.

 
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I find it quite interesting that there has been so very little contribution to this thread. Esp. since most ppl are, have been (several times?), or will be married in their lifetime And, that of those 3 posts, we have CROW’s typically pithy comment (lol). Aleazor’s input which (perhaps on the surface) would seem obvious, yet it is actually quite the opposite; because to have a loving relationship, serious “work” will be need to be “chosen” for it to succeed. And, I would be interested to know why Helltank feels the way he does.
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Originally posted by TheQuietGamer:

The marriage process is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. More specifically is if there a best amount of time to date before getting married.

There is NO “best” amount of time. Such is going to be different for each person/couple. One thing is for sure, there is a very strong correlation between: the longer the “courting”, the more likely the marriage will survive the rigors of a shared life. Typically, life can through some serious shit at a person/couple (< one in the same in a deep union/bond). Sometimes, even though neither in the marriage is at fault, the marriage won’t bear up.
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Before I say anything else I feel like I should say that, as of right now, I have no intention of getting married and I am not involved in any sort of romantic relationship with anyone. I just find the topic interesting and I am curious to hear some other opinions on it.
I would well imagine that at your “age”, such would obviously begin to develop some interest. HOWEVER, while your profile says you’re 21; it also says that isn’t your real age. It would appear that some form/level of deceit is something you come by easily. I can strongly tell you that there is a strong correlation between honesty and success in a marriage….at least one that is a thing of joy.
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In my mind, the dating process is used as a means of CAN BE useful in determining whether or not two people are compatible enough to spend the rest of their lives together.
Fixed.
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The reason I specify in my mind is because I have noticed a large amount of people dating solely for the purpose of sex, which is a separate topic all on it’s own.
Why “separate topic”? Sex in marriage is hugely important. Esp. if one considers the usual aspect that sex in marriage means monogamy. This shit of being a virgin BEFORE marriage is counter-productive….at least for most ppl and I would venture, for those who are virgins, not all that good either.
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In this period of dating two people are going to get to know a lot more about each other, my question is how much time will it take to get to know enough about the person before marriage is an intelligent and well thought out option?
Again, the amount of time involve in “dating” that will determine a level of compatibility that will generate, at the very least, an “enduring” marriage. I say enduring because a lot of long-lasting union are just that….an endurance, which the onset of can start at most any time, and do so either gradually or all at once (lots of factors for both).

And, I want to point out that “dating” should be something that begins because of an evolutionary process. Since “dating” is typically considered to be an EXCLUSIVE of dating others, entering this “stage” of a relationship very quickly is not at all advised by me.

In its simplest concept, one should begin to date some one exclusively because, after a period of time being “exposed” to them, you discover yourself spending/sharing a lot of time w/ them….to the point that to date anyone else just isn’t of interest to you. Or, said in another way: if your go looking for someone to “date”, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of “disappointment”.
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Obviously within the first year or so would not be a great time because couples are still in the “honeymoon faze”, but would waiting 4-5 years come across as an excessive amount of time?
Again, totally subject to each person/couple. But, so…take your pick However, a minimum for a honeymoon PHASE would be a year…you want to know how well a person handles the 4 seasons.

And, I see no problem w/ a “wait” of 4 or 5 years. But, for those who have been shacking up that long (and have a kid or 3), to call their significant other a fiancée is utterly ridiculous….in MY opinion.

By the way, your misspelling of phase—FAZE— is delightful, and maybe instightful. faze: disturb or disconcert (someone). LOL
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I mean the couple has been together for 4-5 years without incident, so maybe they would have a pretty good grasp on how well marriage would work between them. The couple would still only be dating so not every personality flaw would have come out by then, and let’s say that the couple has not lived together at all during this time. Would they have spent enough time together to have a pretty firm grasp on how successful their marriage would be? Or should they wait for a longer period of time?
One: what makes you thing such a long term relationship would be without incident? If such is the case, this would be a marriage made in Heaven. Since “we’re” not all that sure Heaven even exists, we probably shouldn’t delude ourselves that such a relationship is possible and well understand that there WILL BE “incidents”.

Since you are in this 4 or 5 years range, be it cohabitation or not (but sexual intimacy involved), pretty much ALL of these “personality flaws” would have already presented themselves. What might not be all that clear is how a person would handle “the unexpected” situation. One huge example would be infidelity.

If after five years of any level of exclusive dating, the couple hasn’t yet figured out if a marriage union would “work” for them….it probably wouldn’t. Most common reason: the guy won’t/is “afraid” to COMMIT. Usually because: why buy the cow when all you want is the milk?
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>Another aspect I’m curious about is how the couples ages would would effect the decision making process.
Again…highly subjective. Age typically infers maturing. Different ppl mature at different times. PLUS, keep in mind, maturing is a process….not a goal obtained.
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More specifically is there is a certain age range that would be best at determining whether marriage would work between them, as well as being best at making the changes associated with married life?
Now you are asking good questions. Too young is the factor of maturity.
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I feel that early twenties is too young of an age range just because I feel that the decision would be made too quickly and be based on passion rather than compatibility.
This is a good GENERAL rule of thumb to go by.
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I feel that there is an age range that is too old, simply because I feel that if people are single for too long of a period would be too stuck in their ways to make the compromises and lifestyle changes associated with marriage.
Too “old” should be a factor to be considered if one is wanting kids from the relationship. And, you are quite right, the older folks tend to “be set in their ways”. But, in having arrived at this stage in life, they also are presenting a fairly consistent: what you see is what your get. However, w/ age CAN usually come w/ the intelligence that COMPROMISE is key to a good relationship.

And, why makes you think “old ppl” have been single all their lives?
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So is late twenties or early thirties the age range where the couples can make the best decision regarding whether or not they should get married?
Bell curve is the answer here. And, the age bracket you set is the better part of the bell.
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I realize that the answers to my questions vary based on the individuals.
Then, please ignore any references I made regarding your understanding of this….LOL

BTW…Happy Valentine’s Day to all.
And, Kong Admin, thanks for the little Valentine ya’ve given us by rearranging the data at the avatar.

 
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All I know is that you don’t know how much you are willing to love someone until you’ve hit some hard times. Love feels like it can last forever when everything is smooth…but add a few bumps…then you’ll see what your love is worth…

 
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And, Kong Admin, thanks for the little Valentine ya’ve given us by rearranging the data at the avatar.

data? Avatar? My computer must be too primitive to recognize any changes.

 
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Originally posted by Jantonaitis:

And, Kong Admin, thanks for the little Valentine ya’ve given us by rearranging the data at the avatar.

data? Avatar? My computer must be too primitive to recognize any changes.

The number of one’s posts are still just under the name. But, the Flag Post is now in the upper right w/ the Quote post below and more space between than before. Quote post was formerly between the closely stacked trio and therefore sortta had to hit. Much easier now. And, the entire box appears to be larger.
 
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oh. I thought that was a glitch.

 
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Originally posted by Jantonaitis:

oh. I thought that was a glitch.

LOL…could be. I thought so at first. But, just as they “improved” the settings a couple of months ago, they likely “did it again”. But, the separations actually do help to keep ya from clicking an undesired (________?). THAT I like….bunches.
 
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Originally posted by karmakoolkid:

There is NO “best” amount of time. Such is going to be different for each person/couple. One thing is for sure, there is a very strong correlation between: the longer the “courting”, the more likely the marriage will survive the rigors of a shared life. Typically, life can through some serious shit at a person/couple (< one in the same in a deep union/bond). Sometimes, even though neither in the marriage is at fault, the marriage won’t bear up.

I would like to add a different perspective here. Specifically marriage isn’t for everyone, no matter how deeply you love one another. Charlie and I are in a long term love situation. We will never marry. I know that full well. I’m not the only woman he loves, and marriage as the laws currently stand, would force him to choose one of us and not the other as his wife. I’m under no illusions he’d choose me if that was the case.

For anyone in a relationship under different rules than 1+1, marriage isn’t really an option. The belief system we in particular subscribe to allows other variations on a stable and recognised relationship, recognised and respected by others with a belief in the same system, but there is no equivalent within the external legal system.

I hope (and see no reason to doubt) that we’ll be together for the rest of our lives, but marriage isn’t an option on the table in our situation.

 
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why Helltank feels the way he does

Because when you get married you take on a host of obligations, such as the obligation not to cheat on your wife, to share your income, to take care of your kids, to behave lovingly toward your wife and so on. This is in addition to the bad stuff about marriage, such as possible abuse, couples growing distant, fights and squabbles as well as legal issues.

Given that the chance of getting a large reward out of marriage(eg. money, companionship and so on) is small compared to the chance of getting into a shitty or no-reward relationship, plus the 100% chance of taking on obligations, in general marriage is not worth your time.

There are, of course, exceptions to every rule. If you meet a billionaire supermodel who is fine with you having sex with people other than her and is willing to do all the work around the house, you should probably marry her.

 
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Because when you get married you take on a host of obligations, such as the obligation not to cheat on your wife, to share your income, to take care of your kids, to behave lovingly toward your wife and so on.

There’s something called “child support” which forces you to at least pay for your kids even if you were never married. And if you cheat on your girlfriend and don’t behave lovingly towards her, don’t expect she’ll be your girlfriend for long.

But if you look at “behaving lovingly towards your wife”, “not cheating”, and “taking care of your kids” as onerous obligations, then you in particular should probably NOT get married.

This is in addition to the bad stuff about marriage, such as possible abuse, couples growing distant, fights and squabbles as well as legal issues.

Do you think abuse doesn’t happen with unmarried couples? Do you think they don’t grow distant, or get into fights, or have their own set of legal issues?

 
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Originally posted by vikaTae:
Originally posted by karmakoolkid:

There is NO “best” amount of time. Such is going to be different for each person/couple. One thing is for sure, there is a very strong correlation between: the longer the “courting”, the more likely the marriage will survive the rigors of a shared life. Typically, life can through some serious shit at a person/couple (< one in the same in a deep union/bond). Sometimes, even though neither in the marriage is at fault, the marriage won’t bear up.

I would like to add a different perspective here. Specifically marriage isn’t for everyone, no matter how deeply you love one another. Charlie and I are in a long term love situation. We will never marry. I know that full well. I’m not the only woman he loves, and marriage as the laws currently stand, would force him to choose one of us and not the other as his wife. I’m under no illusions he’d choose me if that was the case.

For anyone in a relationship under different rules than 1+1, marriage isn’t really an option. The belief system we in particular subscribe to allows other variations on a stable and recognised relationship, recognised and respected by others with a belief in the same system, but there is no equivalent within the external legal system.

I hope (and see no reason to doubt) that we’ll be together for the rest of our lives, but marriage isn’t an option on the table in our situation.

I agree, the relationship concept does extend well beyond the more legally rigid constructs of marriage (not this whole church/state nomenclature crap). In fact, if one really cared all that much, they might go in search of the number of ppl who consider themselves to be in a committed relationship just as emotionally (and morally legally?) binding as do those who “have the license”.

Since deep honesty & trust are huge factors (at least to me….number of divorces seem to concur), I’d say they are paramount for a relationship—regardless of govt. legally granted status.

I think it is issnorf (??) that would prefer to see the state stay completely out of “the marriage business”. This is much like I think the state should stay out of the mandatory seatbelt wearing FOR ADULTS. Let such protection be a factor of how well your insurance company wants to cover your injuries w/ & w/out wearing a safety device.

Same goes for marriage, let the whole concept of legality be the domain of PRIVATE contracts.
Sure, much the same as it is now, there would likely be something along the lines of “do-it-yourself” divorces…..simple use of a generic, very standard form to be filled out and filed somewhere (lawyer’s office is fine by me) that such legal documents can be safely kept. OF COURSE, the state would want to tax it or some other form of making money from “the obvious in life”.
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NOW:

Originally posted by Ceasar:
Because when you get married you take on a host of obligations, such as the obligation not to cheat on your wife, to share your income, to take care of your kids, to behave lovingly toward your wife and so on.

There’s something called “child support” which forces you to at least pay for your kids even if you were never married. And if you cheat on your girlfriend and don’t behave lovingly towards her, don’t expect she’ll be your girlfriend for long.


But if you look at “behaving lovingly towards your wife”, “not cheating”, and “taking care of your kids” as onerous obligations, then you in particular should probably NOT get married.


This is in addition to the bad stuff about marriage, such as possible abuse, couples growing distant, fights and squabbles as well as legal issues.

Do you think abuse doesn’t happen with unmarried couples? Do you think they don’t grow distant, or get into fights, or have their own set of legal issues?

Ceasar beat me to it….pretty much addressed the points that glared off the screen of Hell’s post.

However, I want to extend the point Ceasar made (in bold above): Hopefully I can say this in a way that can’t be construed to be some off-handed ad hominem. I’d say that such an attitude as Hell has described would preclude a person from SENSIBLY (probably for both parties) even being in most any kind of a very involved relationship.

The opinion put forth by Hell is some of the weirdest shit about relationships/MARRIAGE/family which I’ve had the misfortune to encounter. The only thing that is anywhere near it is the concept that it is the man who is lord & master and that kids are best raised by: spare the rod & spoil the child.

 
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Originally posted by karmakoolkid:

The opinion put forth by Hell is some of the weirdest shit about relationships/MARRIAGE/family which I’ve had the misfortune to encounter. The only thing that is anywhere near it is the concept that it is the man who is lord & master and that kids are best raised by: spare the rod & spoil the child.

He’s not even near that. One of the principles that is reinforced constantly in those interested in entering the world of Dom/sub lifers is that to be a master of others you have to have first mastered yourself. That’s hard, and takes a metric shit-load of effort and self-discipline. It’s necessary however, as without that you could easily wreck another’s life through your lack of self-control.

Helltank strikes me as someone who talks the talk but cannot be bothered to walk the walk. Utterly selfish and self-absorbed. By his comments both here and in other threads, he definitely seems to view women as objects for his personal pleasure, to be used and thrown away when he is done with them.

He would be kicked out of any reputable D/s community within months, with such an attitude. Assuming of course some of the doms didn’t politely offer to rearrange his features for him after he took some liberties with their subs.

 
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I agree with Helltank when he says that marriage is “not worth it”, marriage gives nothing that you don’t already get from a committed loving relationship, it does however cost, even a ‘cheap’ marriage is expensive and there is very little incentive anymore from a tax break point of view. Further it is a big title and can have an affect of a previously happy relationship as it puts a big emphasis on “you are a couple now and have to be together” rather than just two people choosing to be together

That said I just want to make clear I distance myself from Helltank’s explaination of why he doesn’t like marriage;

Originally posted by Helltank:

Because when you get married you take on a host of obligations, such as the obligation not to cheat on your wife, to share your income, to take care of your kids, to behave lovingly toward your wife and so on. This is in addition to the bad stuff about marriage, such as possible abuse, couples growing distant, fights and squabbles as well as legal issues.

All those exist in any committed relationship, married or not

Originally posted by Helltank:

There are, of course, exceptions to every rule. If you meet a billionaire supermodel who is fine with you having sex with people other than her and is willing to do all the work around the house, you should probably marry her.

I know a man who makes comments like that, and it’s exactly that way of looking at women that has carried him to being a mid forties virgin with a fear of real women and a masturbation habit. It clearly shows you have no interest in connecting with a woman on an emotional, or anything past the most superficial of levels and I would go as far as to say thinking like this has played a big part in the current downturn of society

 
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Originally posted by dd790:

I agree with Helltank when he says that marriage is “not worth it”, marriage gives nothing that you don’t already get from a committed loving relationship。。。

It gives legality, which is important if you marry someone who is not a citizen of your country.
 
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Originally posted by FlabbyWoofWoof:
Originally posted by dd790:

I agree with Helltank when he says that marriage is “not worth it”, marriage gives nothing that you don’t already get from a committed loving relationship。。。

It gives legality, which is important if you marry someone who is not a citizen of your country.

A most excellent point.
Now, go make it on the Gay marriage thread….lol
That certainly is w/in the scope of your: " overall I feel it is beneficial to have at least some government recognition of a couples decision to make a lifetime commitment…whether or not it lasts a lifetime…"
A very legitimate one for govt. involvement.

I gave a few others there.
I guess I could C & P them here,,,
but, nah, I’m too damn lazy to do that. 0¿~
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punisher, WTF? For the benefit of the progeny (but not limited to…I merely have a hankerin’ for rice pancakes this morning) of Aunt Jemima & Uncle Ben’s sexual congress, explain this:

Originally posted by thepunisher52:
Originally posted by RollerCROWster:

I agree, romance is a hard science and as such you can ask for specific info like the exact amount of time it takes to get over the “honeymoon faze”

At least make some comment.
I don’t know if you agree, disagree (esp. since CROW is doing his usual “obtuse quip”), or just like using the quote feature.

 
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Originally posted by thepunisher52: I just made a bloody comment.

No…ya didn’t…not one word.
However, in the realm of subjectivity…one could deem it to be viewed as a “NOD-0-the-noodle” agreement w/ CROW’s opinion.

Regardless, what I said about that “nod” still stands: not at all very conclusive.
So, I’m still hovering around my: or just like using the quote feature.
After all, you also like to use the word: “Bloody Bloody Bloody Bloody Bloody”
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I made a Bloody Pun.
If you say so.
However, it was CROW that made the “pun”.
What YOU did is still up for grabs.
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Damn I like to say Bloody
Bloody Bloody Bloody Bloody Bloody
WELL….colour me SURPRISED.

 
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Originally posted by RollerCROWster:

I agree, romance is a hard science and as such you can ask for specific info like the exact amount of time it takes to get over the “honeymoon faze”

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Originally posted by thepunisher52:
Originally posted by RollerCROWster:

I agree, romance is a hard science and as such you can ask for specific info like the exact amount of time it takes to get over the “honeymoon faze”

Then perhaps, had ya done it in the above manner, it might have been much more obvious…eh?
As it was, since CROW’s post was “miles” above yours, the point was a weeeebit difficult to see/get.

 
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Ceasar: Marriage is legally bonding and is thus harder to get into and get out of. If your girlfriend leaves you because you cheated on her, go find another one. If your wife leaves you, you’ll have to hire a divorce lawyer and possibly go through messy legal proceedings. It’s a drain on time and effort and really stupid.

man who is lord & master
Dom/sub lifers

Where did you get this impression of me? I have not expressed any D/s tendencies, nor have I discussed my views on raising children.

he definitely seems to view women as objects for his personal pleasure

No, that implies I’m sexist. Frankly, I view everyone this way. And I don’t “throw away” someone. If a person has been drained of any and all useful resources, unlikely as long as a woman’s vagina remains functional, I simply walk away and leave them to get on with their lives.

no interest in connecting with a woman on an emotional, or anything past the most superficial of levels

Why exactly would I want to connect with someone above the most superficial of levels? I’m not looking for emotional support here. I go into a relationship because it’s a win-win mutually satisfactory arrangement that gives me free sex on a semi-regular basis.

are you legitimately a sociopath… affecting distance

Neither. These are my views and I hold by them.