Topic: The Arts /
I'm working on a story/game w/ multiple endings
I haven’t read through all of what you have yet, but I do have some comments to make it better.
I would try to make the letter to “you” seem more formal (ex. remove words like “which is called” when referring to the hotel and the game in the hotel.)
There is a small amount of errant grammar (ex. “she hanged up.”) and awkward phrasing (ex. “half and a quarter of your gas tank.”).
I’m sorry that this will seem overly critical, because in reality I like the story so far, but, frankly, your tense use is unacceptable. You constantly have changed between past and present tenses, even occasionally within the same sentence.
Lastly, I have a small technical point to make. You said that the hotel is in South Carolina, and “you” wake up in NYC. If he originally lived in New York, he could not have gotten anywhere in SC in under 11-12 hours without constantly running the speed limit, and you should change the time mentioned. If he didn’t, you should find a place to weave in exactly where he lived so that you don’t get any comments from careful readers once you’re finished.
Thanks for putting that out to view, it seems to have a good chance as a popular story game and it was—mostly—a pleasure to read.