Recent posts by OOHnirav on Kongregate

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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by rynodino1:

Should I name my child Lowe so I can say “Yo Lowe”?

This is the best question I have received on this thread yet. Yes, do this.

Originally posted by retsamerol:

How do I toilet train feline overlords? Are dogs capable of being toilet trained? Is it possible to trick my parents into believing that at least one of my mammalian household members is their biological grandchild?

How do I toilet train feline overlords? Are dogs capable of being toilet trained?

All children, even the blessedly hairy ones, can be toilet trained. While there are numerous methods by which this can be accomplished, the tried-and-tested best method is similar to fire drills that most schools use to teach children how to escape fires.

Put several alarms in the house that create a high-pitched (to the point where children can hear it and you, as an adult that is becoming increasingly hard of hearing, can’t) shrieking sound, and set it to ring every 30 minutes for a week. During every alarm, the child has to run to the bathroom and sit on its appropriate toilet seat, otherwise the alarm will continue to torture it. This will teach a sense of urgency, a fear of loud noises (thus making them more obedient to your stern-voiced demands), and help it to become toilet trained.

If your child manages to have an accident between the 30 minute intervals, it is defective, and you should hire a nanny to help maintain it. If it fails to be toilet trained after a week of this, you will know that it is a slow learner, which will help you to make the proper accommodations when schooling begins.

Is it possible to trick my parents into believing that at least one of my mammalian household members is their biological grandchild?

Chances are, at least one of your mammalian household members is your biological child, and was just mutated due to an x-gene. For more information on this, I recommend viewing a documentary on the subject called “X-men”.

Originally posted by Shieru:

I miss the Neverending Story.
My childhood rocked.

Word.

(but please try to keep your posts in this thread on the subject of asking me questions about parenting)

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / [Player's Pack][A Third Row!] Create-A-Reward-Card!

Originally posted by Lichtatem:

Where are suddenly so many people below level 100 or people like Loop_Stratos who have never even taken part in the competitive part of Tyrant coming from, and why do they feel entitled to create a card?

This should be the job of players who actually know what kind of decks people use, and not some randoms who like playing around with a card editor.

I agree with you that to optimize the effectiveness and quality of the pack, it should be made by people who know what they are talking about. That being said, I don’t think it should be a problem for new or less experienced players to suggest cards. Not every suggestion will be put into the pack, and there’s always a chance that someone unexpected will come up with a great unorthodox idea.

In the end, it’s up to the people simming and balancing, who are all knowledgeable regarding game mechanics and strategy (to my knowledge), to put it all together. As long as we can confidently rely on them to do that, what’s the harm in giving everyone, vets and noobs alike, the right to simply make suggestions?

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by Pats133:

^ ^I like the Patton reference but I am surprised you did not mention coming up with the baby’s name before the delivery. One more question. Is it better to wait for it to be a surprise as the sex of the child or is it better to look at the ultrasound report?

Before the woman’s water breaks, an infant should NEVER be named. This should not go understated, as it ends in disaster for the world. Three notable historical examples of children named this way were Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden, and John Mayer (if hell had a soundtrack…).

Regarding the question you posted here, though, neither matters. It is probably a few pages back, but I already explained that children are born with ambiguous genitalia, and the doctor chooses the gender immediately after delivery and acts on his or her decision (quickly enough that neither parent notices in most instances).

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by Pats133:

So… what is the best way to cooperatively choose a baby name with a spouse?

I’m glad you asked this, Pats. Naming a baby is far more important than most people realize, as it shapes the course of their life in a way that very few other things do.

As the delivery is being performed, the husband should ask the wife what she wants the child’s name to be. Biologically, it’s at that point in a woman’s life when she is at her most decisive state, and it corresponds perfectly with it being when a man is experiencing the most fear of his life. After the man asks, the wife will typically respond with a series of expletives, which is a evolutionarily normal coping mechanism for that situation, but within the tirade of blasphemous language, she will give the perfect name to give the child, and the man will be too fearful to disagree.

Historians have shown time-and-time-again that this is the method by which the most successful figures throughout history were named, with some examples including Martin Luther King Jr, Michael Jackson, Gandhi, George S. Patton, and Muhammad Ali.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by 20thgirl:

How do you make sure your child will only like good music, movies and TV shows?
What to do if your child hates the name you picked?
What about religion? Do you raise a kid in one or let him chose it for herself/himself?
When is it a good time to have “the talk”?
What diet should you use during different child’s phases?

Hello 20th!

How do you make sure your child will only like good music, movies and TV shows?

This is a great question! The prospect of one’s offspring getting into electronic dance music, art house film, and Under the Dome is scary, but it is a real risk that most parents are sadly unaware of when they begin growing their children, so thank you for bringing attention to it! There are several steps that can be taken, which should work on every developmentally normal child.

1) Have them listen to/watch what you want them to like until they are the age of 11. This is when they are most impressionable and will like pretty much anything other than broccoli (personally, I still whistle the Neverending Story soundtrack from time to time).

2) After the age of 11, negative re-enforcement is the key to raising your child. When you find it listening/watching something that is unacceptably bad, wear a tanktop and make something disgusting for dinner, like pickles dipped in mustard. This will create a subconscious association in their brains between their disgust and the music/movies of which you disapprove.

3) When at the courtship age, make sure that your spawn does not find a significant other who will push its entertainment inclinations in the direction that you have spent its entire life trying to discourage. The simplest way to accomplish this is by pretending that you like the little troll and wearing a tanktop when it visits your home, which creates a subconscious association in its head between courting your offspring and its disgust.

If this doesn’t work, there is something wrong with your child which is, unfortunately, unable to be repaired by modern science.

What to do if your child hates the name you picked?

Give it a worse name. Your child will learn two things as a result of this. First, it will learn to never question your decisions again, which will give it time to question everything else in life, making it a smarter and a more well-adjusted member of society when it becomes an adult. Second, it will make your child stronger mentally and physically, as your child will probably get picked on at public school for having such a stupid name (in private school, the name would probably be considered normal).

What about religion? Do you raise a kid in one or let him chose it for herself/himself?

With global warming looming, one of the primary concerns in this world are droughts, which would kill crops, which would eventually lead to the extinction of all life on earth! Numerous religions have proposed answers to this, but scientific studies show that the only truly effective way to stop this is by what they laymen refer to as a “rain dance.” If you honestly care about human life continuing on this planet, the best decision you can make is to train your child to be a Shaman. If you don’t care about any of that, make it a buddhist.

Whatever you do, NEVER let your child choose anything on its own until it reaches a point where you are no longer legally allowed the right to make your its decisions.

When is it a good time to have “the talk”?

It’s best to not have the talk ever, as it may make your child antisexual to know that you (as a parent) have, at any point, been sexually active. Allow the public education system to teach your child to fear STDs and AIDS, since they are being paid to do it, so they are probably more qualified.

What diet should you use during different child’s phases?

Until the age of 7, your child should be on a strict diet of milk and Gerber baby food. When your child gains control of its own bladder, which should be around 7 or 8 depending on how good your parenting is, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is an acceptable meal to them. Around the beginning of their teenage years, lasagna and burritos will help them nutritionally and culturally. Soon after that, they will be able to properly digest normal human food.



I hope all of this helped you!

 
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Topic: Tyrant: Faction Recruitment / Pwnersaurus Rex: Competitive, upper-tier faction seeking interesting, active, articulate players

Concession Limerick:
Ladol surged well in just one war,
Her numbers are typically poor,
She won this contest,
I won all the rest,
Regardless she is not a whore.

To challenge LDV to surge battles, join P. rex today!

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by Shadowhopeful:

What would be the 5 least tasteful names to name a child, in your opinion? (Profanities not included)

5 least tasteful names
1. Mustard
2. Pickles
3. Ryan
4. White-Rice
5. Steve

Originally posted by ladolcevita:

If caino666 was your child, would you eat him? And if you did, deep-fry or stir-fry or with curry (no raciss)?

If Caino666 were my child, I would not eat him, but I would figuratively chew him out for only having a negative impact on society, like all parents should do at some point in their children’s lives. I would follow up by removing internet privileges and demand that he watch The Fifth Element to inject real culture into his life.

That would be a start, at least.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by caino666:

If you were to measure your aptitude as a parent in the number of your own child’s deaths caused by your actions, would Hitler blush?

Unless your child is an X-man, chances are that it will only die once, and it will hopefully be long after you pass yourself. While unfortunate situations can occur that can result in the untimely loss of a child before its parent, I can only hope that no sane man or woman would define their success as a parent on causing the death of a child, much less their own. The prospect itself is dark enough that I’d rather not joke about that.

To answer the main part of the question, Hitler passed away a long time ago, so I doubt he will blush regardless of the circumstances.

Let’s try to keep this thread a little more lighthearted.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by asd123:

Is it ok to raise an outside child? They are so messy and I don’t want my lovely house to be messed up by a dirty little monster :(

Absolutely, that should be fine (as long as you keep it indoors until the age of 4). Most parents who have outside children build a small shelter to protect them from being struck by lightning and to keep dry in rain.

When growing offspring, an important thing to keep in mind is that they need a healthy dose of sunlight, love, rich soil, and the occasional meal. All of these are plentifully available outside. Furthermore, they will develop skills that inside children rarely attain, such as the ability to hunt for food, a greater degree of independence, and rabies tolerance. Negatives of having outside children are that you can’t de-claw them, they might breed with your neighbor’s children after hitting puberty, and they’re more sensitive to temperature than non-humans.

One last note: for the sake of your neighbors, if you choose to adopt this strategy, please hose your offspring down from time to time to help with the smell. This does not only apply to outside children.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by Shadowhopeful:

OOH, what do you think of posts that aren’t questions?

Well,

Originally posted by OOHnirav:

I would like to request that mods remove future posts that are not asking questions about parenting (other than mine of course, which are answering the questions, which is the purpose of this thread).

Seeing as I don’t have moderating privileges yet, I would appreciate help in keeping this on topic by hiding the posts of trolls who would otherwise want the future generation of the world to suffer from the ignorance of their parents.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by kompjuternuss:
Originally posted by OOHnirav:
Originally posted by kompjuternuss:
Originally posted by OOHnirav:
Originally posted by Shadowhopeful:

If I were to develop an artificial intelligence which was capable of mimicking a human with common sense, should I bother attempting to teach it to play tyrant?

This is one of the more difficult questions to answer, since I don’t necessarily agree with the premise, which is that an artificial intelligence created by you would be capable of mimicking a human with common sense. If, by some miracle, you could create that, you should worry more about mysterious fluids leaking from it than teaching it to play Tyrant.

which mysterious fluids could leak from an artificial intelligence?

This depends on the level of the AI. Rudimentary AI will usually leak oil and grease. A slightly advanced AI will leak soda, mercury, and headlight fluid. The top-of-the-line AI will leak milk, seminal fluid, and hope.

It’s typically all referred to as mystery fluid, because even the top scientists of the world have trouble differentiating without use of high-end centrifuges and microscopes. You should be worried, because all of these are flammable.

so, since milk is flammable, is it not okay if i let my baby play with the zippo lighter while having his bottle of milk? I mean this is hard, since I already had trouble weaning him from soother and switchblade..

I can’t imagine you have much to worry about. If your offspring truly carries your genetic information, it won’t have the intellectual capabilities required to operate a device as complicated as a bottle of milk. To prevent the inevitable malnutrition that will occur as an unfortunate side-effect of this, make sure to give your spawn ample sunlight outside, and subsequently contact CPS to ask for further instructions on how to teach your infant to operate a bottle of milk and a zippo.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

I would like to request that mods remove future posts that are not asking questions about parenting (other than mine of course, which are answering the questions, which is the purpose of this thread).

A lot of people here need actual help, and the presence of people like Dark and Crazy makes this appear as a much less welcoming place to make inquires which could result in vastly improved lives for this forum’s parents and their children.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by DarkxKnight101:

If i had a baby with your mother, would that make me your step-dad?

This is not about parenting. Even if it was, I’m not sure that parenting advice should be among your chief concerns, as aside from your own mother (who, no doubt, looks forward to the day when she is unburdened by your continued presence), I have not heard of the type of woman who would accept any amount of payment for your company in any capacity.

That being said, fathering a child with a postmenopausal woman would make one a wizard, not a step-father. This is basic nomenclature. Go back to school/ESL and get a GED or something.

Originally posted by ELOHSA:

If you will be a father (or mother(?)), what would be the name of your wife (or husband)?
What will be the names of your children? :3

[sigh] Once again, this is about parenting advice, not about my personal life. Don’t be a weird stalker-type. You’re not in BW, so you should be better than that.

 

Topic: Tyrant: Faction Recruitment / Pwnersaurus Rex: Competitive, upper-tier faction seeking interesting, active, articulate players

This post has been removed by an administrator or moderator
 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by catepillar:

are you a bad parent cause you don’t have any living kids?

Short answer: That depends on the type of parents you would be.

More comprehensive answer: Without naming names, the vast majority of people in this forum are making their best parenting decision imaginable by not fathering children. I would go further in wishing that I could urge their neighbors to not let their children interact in any way with most people who post here. However, there do exist a select few in here whose potentially best parenting decisions could be made after their spawns are considered viable.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by asd123:

Is it acceptable to train a baby like you’d train a dog?

That depends on how you would train your dog. Scientific studies show that training your child to wait for you to come home, so that it can excrete its digestive contents outside, aids in the development of its spine. However, training your child by beating it over the head with newspaper causes notable deterioration of the skull during development. Feeding your child dog treats as a reward is relatively harmless as long as the child is of the age that it can eat solid foods. Tricks such as sitting, rolling over, and playing dead are essential, as they can be translated to life lessons that your child will benefit from in situations like behaving in a classroom, surviving a fire, and preventing a bear attack.

In short, if you train a child like a dog, more will go right than wrong, but you should still be careful due to human children being more delicate than dogs. Keep in mind that while the two are similarly dimwitted, a major distinguishing factor between children and dogs are that children have pain receptors.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by Caad:

dear oohnirav,

how to make baby?

While this thread is supposed to be geared more towards what to do long after the baby has already been made, I feel that as an outstanding member of the community, you deserve an answer. This is actually a pretty complicated procedure, but I’ll try to relatively simplify it for other readers who may be wondering the same thing.

You see, when a man and woman love each other, they get married. After that, in a few years, they begin to feel comfortable enough to not wear clothes around each other. Sometimes, when they don’t wear clothes around each other, they will affectionately hug each other, and the man’s penis will inadvertently enter the woman’s vagina. If, during this period of time, the man’s penis releases ejaculate (a liquid produced testicularly), there is a chance that a component of the ejaculate will travel through the female’s body until it combines with a woman’s ovum (which isn’t too different from an egg). After that, in a little less than a year, your offspring will appear.

This may be better explained for some via video. For the part that happens between a man and woman a few years after marriage: (snip)

Originally posted by kompjuternuss:
Originally posted by OOHnirav:
Originally posted by Shadowhopeful:

If I were to develop an artificial intelligence which was capable of mimicking a human with common sense, should I bother attempting to teach it to play tyrant?

This is one of the more difficult questions to answer, since I don’t necessarily agree with the premise, which is that an artificial intelligence created by you would be capable of mimicking a human with common sense. If, by some miracle, you could create that, you should worry more about mysterious fluids leaking from it than teaching it to play Tyrant.

which mysterious fluids could leak from an artificial intelligence?

This depends on the level of the AI. Rudimentary AI will usually leak oil and grease. A slightly advanced AI will leak soda, mercury, and headlight fluid. The top-of-the-line AI will leak milk, seminal fluid, and hope.

It’s typically all referred to as mystery fluid, because even the top scientists of the world have trouble differentiating without use of high-end centrifuges and microscopes. You should be worried, because all of these are flammable.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

Originally posted by Shadowhopeful:

If I were to develop an artificial intelligence which was capable of mimicking a human with common sense, should I bother attempting to teach it to play tyrant?

This is one of the more difficult questions to answer, since I don’t necessarily agree with the premise, which is that an artificial intelligence created by you would be capable of mimicking a human with common sense. If, by some miracle, you could create that, you should worry more about mysterious fluids leaking from it than teaching it to play Tyrant.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / Ask OOH (about parenting)

With one of my dearest RoM friends having a bun in the oven, I feel this is the perfect time to brings this thread back to the front page.

Have you created offspring? Are you confused/worried/fearful about a mystery fluid that is leaking from it? Are you wondering if it might be part alien? Do you want to teach it to play Tyrant? Well then, this is the place for you. Ask away!

 
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Topic: Tyrant: Faction Recruitment / Pwnersaurus Rex: Competitive, upper-tier faction seeking interesting, active, articulate players

Some dude named FredrIQ joined I think,
He’s new so he does not yet stink,
He’s worse than his alt,
But that’s not his fault,
Ladol said he pees in a sink.

To receive hygiene tips from FIQ, to learn how to make your alts better than your main, or to have LDV spread ridiculous and random rumors about you behind your back (which I will subsequently publicize as soon as I find out), join P. rex today!

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / [PLAYER's PACK DISCUSSION] - thread to talk the vote on card names

Originally posted by Sighaknight:
Originally posted by kyazu:

I personally am surprised that Olifant of Horror even made it this far. Perhaps “X the Horror” would be an acceptable name, but “Olifant” is wayyyyy too similar to “Oliphaunt,” which is a fictitious elephant species featured in Lord of the Rings. A name like this borders on being one that might be overridden by Synapse. We don’t want that.

In fact, several languages literally refer to elephants as “Olifants.” Notably, Afrikaans refers to an elephant as an “Olifant” and dutch refers to an elephant as an “olifanten.” /p>

It’s olifant in dutch. So far, no IP problems with Tolkien, despite it sounding very much like Oliphaunt. We live in fear though, obviously.

It’s not worth wasting your time. FIQ trolled for like 30 seconds in the chat, and now a bunch of them jumped back to the conspiracy angle. It’s something about me looking like an elephant or something, who knows what it is with these people this time.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / [Petition] Psycho wants to veto the chosen name for Card30: Thrasher.

Originally posted by PsychoRaito:

OOHnirav originally supported this thread, and I can prove it with public logs.

He is only against it now because I pointed out a certain card is a reference to his name.

Or Ralkk helped me to discover that I was mistaken, and unlike some people, I’m not too stubborn to reconsider my position on an issue.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / [Petition] Psycho wants to veto the chosen name for Card30: Thrasher.

Originally posted by kesselrun:

Ophiotaurus: from greek mythology a creature part bull and part serpent.

Sounds too much like elephant, which my ava, so people might think it’s a vanity name.

I agree with Provokes, call it mammoth!

Also:

Originally posted by ralkkdillon:

Psycho is just pouting, we are not changing the names or choices for names at this point. SORRY! <3

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / [PLAYER's PACK DISCUSSION] - thread to talk the vote on card names

As always, Pip makes the best and most reasonable points!

Originally posted by kyazu:

I personally am surprised that Olifant of Horror even made it this far. Perhaps “X the Horror” would be an acceptable name, but “Olifant” is wayyyyy too similar to “Oliphaunt,” which is a fictitious elephant species featured in Lord of the Rings. A name like this borders on being one that might be overridden by Synapse. We don’t want that.

In fact, several languages literally refer to elephants as “Olifants.” Notably, Afrikaans refers to an elephant as an “Olifant” and dutch refers to an elephant as an “olifanten.” This bloodthirsty skeleton in no way resembles an elephant nor does the name sound remotely appropriate for anything other than perhaps a slowroll card with crush.
I don’t think this name should even be in consideration.

Nyarlathotep is another unacceptable name, as EVEN THOUGH Lovecraft’s works are in the public domain, there are various risks involved with using a name from another another intellectual property in your work. Synapse will almost certainly turn this name down, something that might delay the development of the pack. Nyarlthotep is a great character, though.

You’re being neurotic and connecting all kinds of unrelated dots. They’re just made-up words, and the devs aren’t stupid enough to be worried about getting into any trouble for using them; chill out.

 
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Topic: Tyrant: General Tyrant Discussion / [Players Pack] Last chance voting on card names!

Card 13 – 2
Card 20 – 2
Card 25 – 2
Card 28 – 2
Card 29 – 2
Card 33 – 3
Card 35 – 2
Card 40 – 2
Card 42 – 1
Card 43 – 2
Card 49 – 3
Card 50 – 2