Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.
The black bear said “You’ve got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex.” Jon decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.
The brown bear said, “That was a huge mistake, Jon. You’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we’ll have rough sex.” Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.
The grizzly bear said “Admit it, Jon, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”
Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "
Sheli: " No, what about her?"
Eve: “She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins.”
Sheli: “That’s Impossible.! How did it happen?”
Eve: “One of the triplets got lost.”
HOW TO KNOWWHEN YOU’RE GROWINGOLDER
Everything hurts , and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work anyway.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You join a health club and don’t go.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is “25 years ago today!”
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won’t.
You’re 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Your back goes out more than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.
You are startled the first time you are addressed as “Old Timer”.
You answer automatically when someone addresses you “Old Timer.”
You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.
The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.
youve probobly heard this one…
A guy takes his girlfreind back to his house so they can do it, and he remembers that he shares a room with his little brother, so he tells his girlfreind,“when you want it harder, say lettace, and when you want to switch positions, say tomato” so for a while they say " lettace, tomato, lettace, tomato" until his girlfreind says “quick, pull it out!”and his little brother wakes up and says " stop it, you’re gettine mayonaise on me!"