Recent posts by StreptoFire on Kongregate

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Topic: Off-topic / Favourite quotes

“doot doot” – mr skeltal

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Topic: Off-topic / [ROUND 114] Immortal7777 vs Mafefe

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Topic: Off-topic / Billy and his Ruler [SHORT STORY]

Billy and his Ruler – A short story by StreptoFire

Upon being born, Billy was given a ruler by his dad. It was a plastic, but very durable, 30 centimeter ruler.
“This is for measuring your dick”, Billy’s dad said to his newborn child.
Billy quickly grabbed the ruler and started playing with it with his baby fingers.
“Look how cute, he can’t even measure his dick with the ruler”, his mom said, while slowly caressing Billy’s forehead.

Fast foward 10 years later, and Billy is now at school. He was given the nickname “Mr Longsword” by his school friends, and he thinks they call him like this because he carries the ruler wherever he goes. His ruler is his best companion, like a teddy bear is to a 6 years old girl.

Everyday at home, Billy (or Mr Longsword, as everyone calls him), tries to measure his dick size. But he can’t do it, as he’s uncapable of using the ruler.
He tried asking his parents for help, but they also don’t know how to effectively use a ruler to measure stuff. He asked his teacher, but she also doesn’t know how to use a ruler.

Because of not being able to know the size of his penis, he starts suffering from depression.
“Mommy, I want to know how big my cock is!” – says Billy to his mother, while crying desperately.

Ten years later and nobody knows to use a ruler, including Billy. He is extremely depressed and wants to commit suicide because he doesn’t know the size of his cock.
Alone in his bedroom, in the dark, 20 years old Billy cries out loud in desperation. “EVERY SINGLE FRIEND OF MINE KNOWS THE SIZE OF THEIR COCK, BUT I STILL DON’T KNOW!”, he screams, while kicking his bed in anger.

But one day, Billy’s mom has a brilliant idea. “Billy, why don’t you try going to a engineering school? There they teach calculus and other stuff, but most importantly, they teach you how to effectively measure objects using a ruler!”.

Billy instantly smiled with intense happiness. “I’m going to be able to measure my cock, finally!”, he says.

At the first semester, Billy has some calculus classes. “This is way too easy”, he says, while scoring a 95/100 in his first calculus exam.
Then, came the linear algebra. “BAH, how can anyone think that this is hard?”. He scores a 93/100.
Chemistry? 98/100. Mechanics? 89/100. Optics? 86/100. Quantum physics? 100/100. Electronics? 11/100 (he slept at the exam because he forgot to drink his daily coffee dose, but he knew everything about it).

Then, at the last semester, comes Mr Longsword’s final challenge (yes, people still called him like this on college and he also carried his ruler with him): An Introduction to Rulers 101.

Everyone said this course was the hardest, and they were right. More than 80% of his friends failed it. Billy passed with a 55/100.

“Finally, I will be able to measure my cock’s size! This is my dream coming true!”, he said, while crying tears of joy. He grabbed the ruler, put it next to his erect penis, and the result was… 2 meters. Yes, his erect dick had 2 meters of total lenght.

“So… that’s why they called me Mr Longsword…”, he said, with a weird hybrid between a dissapointed face and a surprised face.

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Topic: Off-topic / Petition for larger profile pictures.

Just a little bit bigger.

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Topic: Off-topic / Agnostic, Asexual, and Apathetic (AAA)

I’m not asexual, but I’m the other two. Can I join?

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Topic: Off-topic / Terraria 1.3 is out now.

Originally posted by aguspal:

So, without any spoilers, is this as big of an update as 1.2 was, or is more like a little bit of extra content you will rush thought on like 1-2 hours?

Not as big as 1.2, but it’s not small either.
The major things they added are the endgame bosses and events (which are HUGE), the Expert Mode (which is a much harder mode of Terraria), and the Steam integration, which allows you to create servers, invite people and share builds and stuff more easily. Besides this, there’s a lot of weapons, items and balance changes, but not much.

There’s also Yo-Yos. And a Portal Gun.

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Topic: Off-topic / ITT: Describe your personality with one picture

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Topic: Off-topic / What are you listening to?

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Topic: Off-topic / A strange man is racing after you

MRW I came back to OT from a long time out and see this useless thread

EDIT: 1000th post, newfigs.

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Topic: Off-topic / I have returned

Who are you?

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Topic: Off-topic / Does your school/work block Kongregate?

idk, never tried to enter Kong in college

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Topic: Off-topic / How Adv0catus dies

Next day: Amane picks up adv0’s dead body and practices nechrophilia with it

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Topic: Off-topic / Did the Bible predict ISIS?

Yeah, let’s pretend Christianity is good and that the european Middle Ages didn’t happen.

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Topic: Off-topic / What are you planning to do on the Talk Like A Pirate day?

I will preach the truth of Flying Spaghetti Monster and his Pirate prophets.

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Topic: Off-topic / I met with my very first boyfriend of 2008

Originally posted by vvvortic:

i dont have a girlfriend because i am in broze because bad teammates hold me back from being challenjour, gg

WTF, even here on OT?

I saw this retard on youtube several times , he spams every league of legends video.

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Topic: Off-topic / damaged by pot over-sensitive to negative effects worried about negative possibilities like lacing, living in hell, worried about recovery though hoping for the better

Holy wall of text.

Try breaking your post into paragraphs so it becomes easier to read.

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Topic: Off-topic / would you rather be lesbian or autistic?

Originally posted by 15man:

i’m a lesbian in a man’s body. . .
so lesbian


Topic: Off-topic / [NOT A BANDWAGON THREAD] A strange man briefly describes the shitposting in this forum.

This post has been removed by an administrator or moderator
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Topic: Off-topic / MME IS IT TIME TO GO???

who is this figot in the pics

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Instead of constantly asking the government to legalize weed, why don’t we travel to the past and prevent it from being prohibited in the first place?

I’m a genius.

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Topic: Off-topic / Has anybody heard anything about that new video game Amazonian Warriors?

Are you from the Warlizard Gaming Forums?

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Topic: Off-topic / A strange man is in your room

Kill him until he’s dead.

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Topic: Off-topic / Funny jokes

What’s worse than three babies in a trashcan?

One baby in three trashcans.

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Topic: Off-topic / Trolled

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Topic: Off-topic / [HAMMOCK INTENSIFIES]

ITT: discuss about hammocks