Topic: Off-topic /
Billy and his Ruler [SHORT STORY]
Billy and his Ruler – A short story by StreptoFire
Upon being born, Billy was given a ruler by his dad. It was a plastic, but very durable, 30 centimeter ruler.
“This is for measuring your dick”, Billy’s dad said to his newborn child.
Billy quickly grabbed the ruler and started playing with it with his baby fingers.
“Look how cute, he can’t even measure his dick with the ruler”, his mom said, while slowly caressing Billy’s forehead.
Fast foward 10 years later, and Billy is now at school. He was given the nickname “Mr Longsword” by his school friends, and he thinks they call him like this because he carries the ruler wherever he goes. His ruler is his best companion, like a teddy bear is to a 6 years old girl.
Everyday at home, Billy (or Mr Longsword, as everyone calls him), tries to measure his dick size. But he can’t do it, as he’s uncapable of using the ruler.
He tried asking his parents for help, but they also don’t know how to effectively use a ruler to measure stuff. He asked his teacher, but she also doesn’t know how to use a ruler.
Because of not being able to know the size of his penis, he starts suffering from depression.
“Mommy, I want to know how big my cock is!” – says Billy to his mother, while crying desperately.
Ten years later and nobody knows to use a ruler, including Billy. He is extremely depressed and wants to commit suicide because he doesn’t know the size of his cock.
Alone in his bedroom, in the dark, 20 years old Billy cries out loud in desperation. “EVERY SINGLE FRIEND OF MINE KNOWS THE SIZE OF THEIR COCK, BUT I STILL DON’T KNOW!”, he screams, while kicking his bed in anger.
But one day, Billy’s mom has a brilliant idea. “Billy, why don’t you try going to a engineering school? There they teach calculus and other stuff, but most importantly, they teach you how to effectively measure objects using a ruler!”.
Billy instantly smiled with intense happiness. “I’m going to be able to measure my cock, finally!”, he says.
At the first semester, Billy has some calculus classes. “This is way too easy”, he says, while scoring a 95/100 in his first calculus exam.
Then, came the linear algebra. “BAH, how can anyone think that this is hard?”. He scores a 93/100.
Chemistry? 98/100. Mechanics? 89/100. Optics? 86/100. Quantum physics? 100/100. Electronics? 11/100 (he slept at the exam because he forgot to drink his daily coffee dose, but he knew everything about it).
Then, at the last semester, comes Mr Longsword’s final challenge (yes, people still called him like this on college and he also carried his ruler with him): An Introduction to Rulers 101.
Everyone said this course was the hardest, and they were right. More than 80% of his friends failed it. Billy passed with a 55/100.
“Finally, I will be able to measure my cock’s size! This is my dream coming true!”, he said, while crying tears of joy. He grabbed the ruler, put it next to his erect penis, and the result was… 2 meters. Yes, his erect dick had 2 meters of total lenght.
“So… that’s why they called me Mr Longsword…”, he said, with a weird hybrid between a dissapointed face and a surprised face.