Topic: The Arts /
A Wee Story
Something Inspired By King-Sized Beds or Something
T’was a cold winter’s night, everything was quiet, still, and strangely eerie. The lampposts in the town were turned off. Just kidding, we have no lampposts. Anyway, the place was as still as a cup, with a white thin sheet of snow in every crevice available. Suddenly a piercing scream could be heard from the house at the end of the street.
“You told me this curry would be mild, MILD!”
“Calm down, it’s nothing worth crying about..”
“Where’s the milk? I need some milk!”
“I didn’t get any, the shops were all closed today.”
“AHHHHHHHHHH, IT’S WORSE THAN I IMAGINED!!”
“Alright, just shut up! Remember what happened last time?”
“Oh yeah... Sorry.”
He began remembering the terrible event that occurred, which is never actually fully explained in the story.
“The fact that the event is never explained in the story.”
“Well, what do you want the narrator to do? Do you think that the narrator actually needs to think for this story?”
“Shut up Jimmy, you’re always full of shit.”
“Oh, that’s it! You’re dead!”
Suddenly Jimmy jumped onto the unknown character and began flooring him with his elbow, back and forth and back and forth until the unknown character was unconscious.
"Oh god, why did I do that?!" Jimmy cried. (This isn't actually explained in the story either (wow I'm so good at writing stories) )
Jimmy got up off the floor in a scramble and like a bolt of lightning he shot off into the darkness of the town.
"Mannn, it sure is cold around here." He said to himself as he began shivering.
"Mannn, it sure is dark around here." He said to himself as he realised he couldn't see.
"Mannn, it sure is-" Jimmy was hit at the side of his head with a baseball bat. He was knocked out.
Suddenly a middle-aged man in an army jacket with a gun stepped out from the darkness. "There we go." He exclaimed cheerfully. He was awfully happy for a soldier.
Then another man stepped out from the darkness. He was old, probably in his 70s or something, and began to talk, when suddenly he stopped, flopped and died on the ground. It was either a heart attack or the poor old guy couldn't take the cold. The soldier guy didn't care though because he didn't even know the man, I guess he just stepped out or something. Not a good idea.
"Old fool. You should'a just stayed inside and ate some soup or something, and just generally be old." Suddenly outta the black the old man jumped up and RKO'd the soldier guy to the ground, and the soldier guy couldn't really do anything, cause it all just happened outta nowhere.
The old man began to choke the soldier guy. He had to admit, he wasn't expecting an old guy to get him down like that. Little did he realise the old guy was a master black belt for 45 years, and he wasn't about to let his family become dishonoured so easily. Suddenly he stopped choking him. The soldier was relieved, but couldn't have possessed a worse fate.
The old man began flooring him with his elbow. Back and forth and back and forth until the soldier guy lay spread-eagle and unconscious on the snowy ( Is that a word?) ground.
The old man narrowed his eyes and darting them back and forth suspiciously before dragging the bodies into a nearby house.
********Chapter Two: Surprise Surprise********
Jimmy woke up lying horizontally on a bedside table and he saw that the old man ripped the other guy's chest open and was eating his organs. (A little too fast there...)
Jimmy didn't know what the hell to do. He slowly and quietly got up and then dashed to the exit. He grabbed the handle and tried to push the door open but to no avail. The old man quickly jumped back, his hands covered in blood, maybe about say, two coats of blood, and dashed towards him. Jimmy had to think fast. He looked to his left and saw a desert eagle sitting right there in such a magnificent posture. Then looked to his right, which he then saw a baseball bat (or maybe cricket, I dunno really) He grabbed the baseball/cricket bat and just when the old man was about arm's length from Jimmy, he swung the bat fast and hard.
*CLONK* It had hit the old man at the side of the head, and he fell sideways onto an old, worn out armchair. He suited that armchair, Jimmy thought.
Jimmy, keeping the bat by his side, stepped over the dead man and searched around the room. He had found a knife, a copy of this novel (ooooh spoo00o0ooky) and a crumpled piece of paper. He held it up to the dim ceiling light as he read:
Target: Jimmy McGenericSurname
Eliminate target by any means necessary.
You may use any method at your disposal.
~ Signed J. Mallory.
"Huh." Said Jimmy. "Well, I suppose I should go there if I want to continue the storyline, plus, I kinda wanna see what happens at the end :)." He smiled.
He looked around a little more to find a rusted iron key. It fit the key lock, and sure enough, Jimmy was free.
*******Chapter 3: The Letter*********
Just that very next morning Jimmy was skipping with delight down by the town. It's was a Tuesnesday. He waved to the old lady across the street, which she replied with the middle finger. He cartwheeled into the plaza and crashed into the post-office wall. It didn't matter, he was going to go there anyway. He had a letter to post. It was for the guy that was gonna kill him, yeah, that guy.
He walked over to the post-box, and held the letter right beside the hole. His letter was very formal and straight to the point. It read:
Dear Mr J. Mallory
Jimmy (the guy you're bullying)
Jimmy thought about it and someone bumped into him, which caused him to slam the letter into the box for some reason. He watched it flutter down into the heap of letters. He shrugged and walked off as if nothing happened.
Later that night Jimmy was sitting in his living room watching 8 out of 10 cats, or whatever that dumpster sludge is called nowadays. It was pitch black outside. Jimmy heard a rustle in the trees. He didn't care though, as he was too busy trying to find the remote to turn off the terrible show. Suddenly a man in a multi-coloured morph suit jumped out and started choking him. Jimmy was lost for words, mostly because he was being chocked to death. Having been in enough scraps already, without thinking he elbowed the man in the stomach and threw him onto the floor.
Jimmy scrambled to the kitchen to find something sharp, but all he could find was a cheap kitchen scale that had a Toy Story theme to it. He grabbed it and rushed to the living room. He bashed the kitchen scale onto the morph suit guy, he fell unconscious.
"Phew, that was a close one." He saw a man in a balaclava and a katana out of the corner of his eye. He did a vertical wall run like the guy did in Matrix, except ended with a magnificent butterfly kick (don't ask me how) and disarmed the experienced ninja. He ninja was in shock and kinda just stood there for a second. Jimmy slapped him a few times and kicked him into a convenient placement of sugar glass.
Jimmy grabbed a piece of it and jammed it into the ninja's throat. He then opened a window and just dumped him. Then, again he saw a man with a waistcoat and a machete from the corner of his eye. He wasn't ready this time. He tried to evade the machete but it hit his fedora, and it fell off his head. It bounced around a few times and rolled around a bit on the floor, before coming to a halt.
The man in the waistcoat jeered at him "What are you gonna do now without your beloved fedora?" He laughed at him and pointed. But Jimmy wasn't listening. It's like everything he had ever loved, everything he had ever cared about. He could feel his soul withering away, and he now had a great desire.
"My hat." He slowly looked in the direction of the henchman. "Don't touch my hat." He started to bear teeth, and just before he was about to strike, a loud gunshot was heard, following the blinding light of a muzzle flare.
The man had a red laser going through his head, and he was just standing there in awe. He stood there for a few seconds, Jimmy just sorta stared at him. Finally he began to slouch to one side, and fell onto the floor, which then revealed the mystery man who was behind him.
****Chapter 4: A New Member****
Jimmy sorta just stood there, staring at the mysterious man. The man shrugged, and made his way to the sitting room. Jimmy was about to follow him, when the man suddenly said "Hey, make me a cocktail or somethin' alcoholic, would ya?" Before disappearing from the corner.
Jimmy didn't have anything cocktail-ish, but he did have some cider which a friend gave to him about a week ago. He opened the cupboard and pulled the cider out. He took out two pint glasses and filled them to the brim with the beverage. And then for gentleman's sake he arranged some Ritz crackers on a dish. With the dish and the two glasses Jimmy made his way to the sitting room.
"Jeez, what took ya so long? And what is this terrible show on the TV?" Jimmy realised that 8 out of 10 cats was still on. He put the apparatus on the table. "What's this?" He peered into the glass. He gave it a strong sniff. "Ah, my good old friend." He took a large mouthfull of cider and gulped it down in one go.
"Ahhhh, that sure hits the spot. And what are these little things?" He began to poke the Ritz crackers. Jimmy was lost for words. Who the hell didn't know what Ritz crackers were?! After a small session of the man poking them, Jimmy exploded. "They're crackers! But not just any cracker! It's lightly salted and it's the next best thing to alcohol!" Jimmy wasn't even sure what he just said. He quickly sat down about a foot away from the guy.
"Next best thing to alcohol, heh? Alright, I'll be the judge of that." He took a handful of the crackers and shoved them into his mouth. "Man, those are good! Jesus, where can I get those beauties?" He inquired. "Oh, just any major retailer around the globe! Just ask!"
They waited in silence for a small while until the man broke the silence. He took another swig of the cider and hiccupped. "So I bet-" He stopped mid-sentence, Jimmy thought he fell asleep. He jumped a little and continued. "So I bet you're wondering who I am, aren't you?" He leaned over to Jimmy. "Well, aren't you?" Jimmy was wondering, but he didn't know what to say. "Uhh, yes?" Jimmy looked at the man with timid eyes. The man looked at the clock across the room. "Jesus christ! It's almost ten! I told Jessica I'd be back by ten! Okay, I'll make it quick, I don't really have much time to say this but Jimmy, you're wanted."
"Uhh, I already knew that, sir." Jimmy tried his best to look calm by sipping his cider. The man noticed he was shaking. The man pulled back his hood. Jimmy was surprised, but kinda disappointed. I mean, he thought he looked a bit weird, but not as weird as he had imagined him. He imagined him with an eye-patch, or a scar running across his face, or a glass eye or, you know, something out of the ordinary.
He was a shaggy looking man, he had moderately long hair, which was almost a hybrid colour between brown and black. He had a scar, but not across his entire face, just on his left cheek. He had a rough goatee and mustache. He looked like a murderer. "Damn," he thought. The guys trying to kill him looked better than him.
"Anyway, the name's Joe. Joe mcGenericSurname. We come from the same family, and the same guy wants us dead. Why? I'll tell ya later. I need you to come with me to discuss it further." He finished off his cider. "Why later?" Jimmy asked. "Jessie's orders, I gotta be back at ten, and right now it's a quarter to- I'll let you pack up some stuff before we head, so get ready-
Jimmy cut him off mid-sentence. "Hey, who said I'm going? What if you're lying to me?" Joe looked up and him and sighed. "Listen kid. You just got attacked by a lethal force which would kill you if they had the chance. You probably would have died if I didn't save your ass back there, the least you could do is come with me and talk to some actual people about this. Now, would you rather get frequently attacked and risking your life, or, listen to some smelly, rotten drunk idiot who can keep you safe?" Jimmy pondered this for a while.
"Yeah, thought so. Pack your bags, because we're outta here in ten minutes. Go!"
Ten minutes had passed, and sure enough, Jimmy was ready with a backpack and a small suitcase. "Ya ready to go kid?" He asked. "Yeah, let's go." He replied. The left the house. Jimmy waved goodbye to his house for some reason, and then he made his was to Joe's car. "It's an old Ford. Looks dirty, but it gets the job done." Jimmy unloaded his things into the surprisingly large trunk. He climbed into the front seat from the back, because the front door was bashed in and un-usable. Joe got in a comfortable position and put on his seat-belt. Jimmy lunged in with a question "Wait! You just had a drink, and I barely finished mine. Should I drive?" Joe grinned and then laughed. "Boy, when we get over to our place I'm gonna teach you how to not give a shit about stupid stuff like that. Because that's the 'mcGenericSurname' way!" And with that they sped off.
*****Chapter 5: Interference*****
Summary: Jimmy and Joe were just after leaving the housing estate that Jimmy lived in, and were now cruising down the M1337. The car was silent, apart from the constant humming of the engine on the smooth road.
Suddenly Joe piped up. "So how did you manage to take down those guys anyway?" Jimmy looked at him and quickly turned his head. "Oh, you know. Just talent I guess. It was really just a 'spur of the moment' kind of thing. I really don't know what I was thinking. I'm still wondering how they got i-" Again, Joe cut across him. "Ah well, ya see, when I came over I saw the guy in the morph suit try and go down the chimney, the guy with the machete went in through one of the windows on the second floor, and the other guy came through the front door."
'Damn, I keep forgetting about that damn door!' He thought to himself. He sighed and hit his head against the board of the car. "Hey, watch it! This car is so old, it'd probably break down if you even tried to touch the motor!" "Oh, sorry about that, I didn't realise."
Without warning, the car suddenly swerved to the the right, off onto a narrow, bumpy lane. Jimmy wasn't wearing his seat belt (because he's too cool for school) and hit his head against the window at the side. "Jesus, just put your damn seat belt on, would ya?" Joe looked ticked. They sat in silence for about 30 seconds until Jimmy brought up an interesting question.
"So where are we going anyway?" He looked at Joe, who seemed to be more concerned as to where he was going. "Huh? Oh, uh, I'm taking you to our seeeeecreeettttt hiiiiddeeoouuutttt, ooo0oo0o0ohhh!!" He took his hands of the wheel and started making weird gestures. The car suddenly went out of control and started to spin. "Crap, Joe! Get a hold of the wheel!" Joe laughed. "Don't worry, kid! This baby has auto-drive!" And with that, he raised his hands into the air. The car went even more out of control.
Jimmy's head was racing. 'Oh god? What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?' Was all that he was thinking about. The car suddenly swerved into a ditch and crashed, knocking both men forwards, followed by loud bangs and sizzles. Jimmy was in a concussion of some kind. His hearing was off, and he couldn't see. It was as if he had taken every drug that had ever existed. Then, he felt a jolt as Joe began to pull him out of the car.
He was dragged out to a safe distance from the car before it exploded violently, sending bits of metal and glass everywhere. Joe just stood there, awe-struck. "Yeah... keep forgetting that I don't have the 2014 model yet... was planning to get it. Huh." He turned to Jimmy. "Well, at least now I have an excuse to get it. All I need to do know is convince Jessie if I can get it, and that shouldn't be too-"
"What about it?"
"It just blew up."
He turned to Jimmy. "Well, duhhh! No shit sherlock. It's alright, our place is just a couple miles from here." Jimmy sighed again. "Well, we better get a move on then." Suggested Joe. And off they went on foot.
*****Chapter 6: Interference Part 2*****
Jimmy's legs ached. Well, to be honest, Jimmy's 'everything' ached. It seemed as though they had been walking for hours, and Joe always kept saying they were getting closer, even though there was no sign of it. There they were, just walking along a narrow lane surrounded by trees and large empty fields with no sign of people anywhere.
"Almost there now, kid."
"You've been saying that for the past hour!"
"Hour? Naw man. It's only been about 20 minutes."
"Sure felt like an hour."
Joe turned to Jimmy. "Well I swear, we're nearly there- Hell, look over there." He pointed to the west. "See that light? Well, that's not it, we keep our lights off, what with being hunted for and all that." He grinned in the darkness. "But that's our neighbours, so yeah, we're only a couple blocks away."
Jimmy took a deep breath of relief. As he was breathing out he heard a rustle in the leaves behind him. He stopped walking.
"Did you hear that?" He asked Joe, but Joe wasn't listening. He kept walking on as if nothing was happening.
Jimmy wasn't concerned about that now. He whipped out his trusty pocket-knife that he never used, and kept full focus on the trees before him. Suddenly he heard a man behind him gasping for air, and when he turned around he found someone holding Joe by the neck, and had a gun pointing to his head. 'They must've disarmed Joe' He thought.
"Don't worry kid." Joe spoke up. "Just put the knife down and everything will be fine." Jimmy remained stationery. Again, for the second time that night, his mind was racing off in all directions. He must've been standing there for a while because Joe spoke again. "Jimmy, just put the knife down, don't worry about me." Jimmy couldn't get those words into his head. Sure, he's only known Joe for only about an hour or so, but that just seemed totally off character for him. Then again, you would sound off character if you were held at gunpoint.
Jimmy prepped himself and received a jolt of courage. "Put down the gun, and nobody's gonna get hurt here." The person tightened their grip on Joe. They we're silent, as dead as a cold Winter's night.... Or something. (Huh, there's my go at being deep)
"Jimmy, just get outta here, n' let me handle this."
"No. I'd be dead if it weren't for you. I'm not going without you."
Jimmy was shaking for head to toe. He slowly raised the pocket-knife up to about shoulder-level.
"I said I'm not going."
"No, I just wanna tell you somethin', before this happens.."
"What is it?"
Before Joe even opened his mouth he sensed an aura of wickedness. He was ready to go in for the kill.
"Welcome to the club."
The mysterious person suddenly let go of Joe, and Joe started stretching. Jimmy's eyes widened. When Joe caught a glimpse of that he grinned. The mysterious person nudged Joe and gave him back his gun. He slipped it into the inside pocket of his worn out jacket.
"Aha, you should'a seen the look on your face, hahah, oh man that was priceless!" Joe began to giggle like a little child. Jimmy was speechless. "Wha- What is- Is this some kind of sick joke?"
Joe made his way over to Jimmy and put his hand on Jimmy's shoulder "Nah man, you see, we planned this from the start, Jessie's the one who's in the hooded robes!"
"Why the hell did you do that?" Jimmy was ticked this time.
"Well, we needed to know if you would die for us, for we would do the same for you, for the same family. Sorry, that probably wasn't the best way to go about doing it but.... Haha!!" Joe wiped a tear from his eye.
"A'right, enough you two! Let's get inside and get warmed up! I stole- I mean... Borrowed some meat and soup from the local farm."
Jimmy didn't even argue. As much as he was annoyed at the half prank half admittance sort of task, he couldn't help but feel somewhat at home. They all walked back to the house together.