Topic: The Arts /
What do you think of this so far?
Yes yes, weird spelling of Chris and all that.
Proper grammar would be “Yes, yes, weird spelling of Chris and all that.”
I’ve heard it all before, and I’m pretty much bored of hearing that over and over.
It’s inferred that you’re bored of hearing it repeatedly if you’ve heard it all before. Leave the second part out.
Chrys is 13.
Sudden transition to third-person. Fixate on one perspective. Also, spell out your numbers. Use this as a reference to writing out numbers.
His jet black hair with the shocking purple breaking up the darkness stuns even those most skeptic of his style.
Jet-black is cliché, change the sentence to something similar to “He had coal-black hair with eccentric streaks of purple.” Skeptic means to doubt an accepted opinion; if skeptics are already dubious of his hair, they won’t be stunned by it.
The inch-long strands of hair shimmer clean and bright.
Hair of only an inch is quite short to “shimmer clean and bright.” Add a few inches.
His eyes are a violet-y red and his skin pale from lack of pigment.
Change to something like “His eyes are a spectrum of indigo and russet, his skin pale like the autumn Moon.”
He wears T-shirts that seem to go well with him, but would look out of place on others. A shirt in purple, navy and yellow, with the buttons left undone, revealing his pale and muscular chest.
It’s a little weird to see someone with their shirt fully unbuttoned; I suggest revising his unbuttoned shirt to something more traditional, like a V-neck.
Chinos clothe legs that move hypnotically when he walks, swishing with his every move.
“Hypnotically” is wrong wording, replace it with something like “methodically.” Also, Chinos usually fit the leg firmly; unless Chrys walks really tight, the Chinos won’t swish like windbreaker pants.
On his feet there is nothing. No socks, no shoes, nothing. His toughened soles step lightly upon broken glass, yet he feels no pain.
While this sounds gallant, his feet would still bleed. I advise giving him boat shoes, shoes that are thin and casual and still match his outfit.
His voice is deep yet friendly and smooth. It heals the ears and soothes the mind, like a lullaby to a baby.
Very nice imagery, I really like these sentences. Include a semicolon between them.
On his hands he has one ring with a single gemstone. The gem glimmers a deep purple, almost as hypnotic as his eyes.
Change to something like “He wears a single ring on his left hand that carries a beautiful amethyst (purple gemstone.)” I suggest leaving out the relation to his eyes; it sounds like your forcing gloating on your character.
I walk down the deserted alleyway.
Again, a sudden change of perspective.
As my gentle footsteps resonate around me, I begin to wonder what my mum would say to my newfound occupation.
Gentle footsteps don’t resonate.
She wouldn’t be best pleased, I can say that without a shadow of doubt!
Because of the previous sentence you can leave this one out. We can infer that she wouldn’t be pleased.
I can just imagine: “Chrys! Why the FUCK are you doing this horrendous work?!
Unless there will be a lot of mature content in this story, leave swearing out. Swear words instantly limit your audience.
You disappoint me, and have done since you were 4!
Spell out your numbers.
Ah well, who cares what she thinks?
Don’t include rhetorical questions.
I mean, she went berserk when I got one of my ears pierced.
Don’t include past incidents if you don’t elaborate. Leave this sentence out.
“YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING PIRATE YOU MORONIC PRICK!” she said.
By using an exclamation point you comprise interjection so caps aren’t needed. Besides, words in caps disrupt eyeline (Journalism term meaning the line across the page, sometimes imaginary) and look ugly.