Baladce

So I definitely haven’t been on this site in years, yet as as once devoted “no-lifer” I can generally say I had a great time here. Sure I was like 9 and got banned and made another account and then reactivated this one again. (Been a member since about 2008) I will however leave everything I had on here I found funny as a little 9 year old. I’m now one of the youngest MIT students, and I believe if I didn’t have this site to play on between learning everything I do about computers, I probably wouldn’t have continued the path I’m on now. Thanks for the years of fun, Kongregate. The nostalgia from visiting feels good everytime :)
┌∩┐(◣_◢)┌∩┐

CHEESY JOKES (FEEL FREE TO SHARE SOME OF THEM WITH UR FRIENDS)

1. A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head The bartender asks “Why do you have a paper towel on your head?” The pirate says “ARRRR I GOTTA BOUNTY ON ME HEAD!”

2. A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel on his crotch. Bartender says “man, that’s looks uncomfortable” Pirate says “arrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts.”

3. Two muffins are baking in the oven… one turns to the other and says “boy it’s hot in here!” other muffin responds “OMG A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!

4. It was Christmas time and this woman invited all her family to her house to eat. So they gathered around the table and she asked her son to pray. He said: “But I do not know what to say.” She said: “Say what I said this morning.” So he said: “Deargod, why did I invite all these people to my house?”

5. An irsh man was in a pub and he got very drunk. So he stumbled outside and passed out on the grass. Two women walk past him one leans over to her friends and whispers: “I wonder what is under an irish man’s kilt.” So they tip toe over and lift his kilt. He was wearing nothing at all they. Filled with giggles, one whispered: “How should we tell him we saw this beauty?” In reply the other girl pulls a blue ribbon from her hair and ties it under his kilt.

They leave and a few hours later he wakes up and has to go, so he lifts his kilt and spots the blue ribbon and he says: “I dont know where you’ve been or what you’ve been doing but at least you won fist prize.”

6. A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them: “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks: “Can you top that?” The tough old golfer replies: “No problem, just get that lion out of there.”

7. I am seven months pregnant and my 8 year old daughter asks me how big the baby is now. I tell her it’s roughly the size of a large banana. She replies: “Then why is your butt the size of a watermelon?”

8. A blonde and two burnettes where watching a school play, at the end of the play Santa came out and of course first thing he said was ‘HO, HO, HO!!!’ The blonde looked at the two burnettes and said: “How did he know we were here?”

9. This blonde is on main street and she sees this t.v. in the window. So she walks in and says to the man at the counter, “I would like to buy the t.v. in the window, please.” “Sorry, we don’t sale to blondes,” replied the dude at the counter. The blonde left, a little sad and puzzled.

She goes home and dyes her hair brown. She went back to the store and says to the same man at the counter: “I would like to buy the t.v. in the window, please.” “Sorry, still don’t sale to blondes.” The blonde was getting mad now. ’I’ll fix him’ she thought to herself.

So she goes home and dyes her hair black this time. “Alright, I’d like to buy the t.v. in the window, please.” “Look, lady, we don’t sale to blondes.” The blonde stood there for a minute. “How do you keep knowing it was me?” “I know it’s you because that in the window is a microwave.”

10. Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off… watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”
The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”
“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

11. THE BEST IS LAST: A Dog Named Sex: Every body who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one, too!” Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said, " You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do." I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny—-I have the same problem.”

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.

He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal any more.”

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married.” The Judge said, “This courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.” (my fave part lol)

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said that’s not unusual. It happens to a lot of people.

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

My later revised one!!!: Every body who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one, too!” Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

(REVISED PART) When i decided to get married, I told the minister that i would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life, and my whole world revovles around Sex.” He said he did not want to hear about my personal life, and would not marry us in his church. I told him, “Everyone would love to have Sex at the wedding.” Next day we were married at the Justice of Peace, and my family was barred from the church from there on. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said, " You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do." I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny—-I have the same problem.”

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.

He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal any more.”

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married.” The Judge said, “This courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.”

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said that’s not unusual. It happens to a lot of people.

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday. (REVISED PART) Well now i’ve been divorced, thrown in jail, and I have had more damn troubles with a dog than i have ever seen. Why just the other day, I went to my first session with my psychiatrist, she asked me “Well, what seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life, but just left me forever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely.” and my pshyciatrist said, “Look mister, you should realize that sex isn’t a man’s best friend, so get yourself a dog.”

LOL DUECES!!!