Aella_Mae

The following pieces of text are not exactly ABOUT me, but I did find them very amusing.
(WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTENT BLABS ON FOR AGES. IF YOU HAVE IMPORTANT STUFF TO DO, DO NOT READ FURTHER. )

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the
store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
“Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t
have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

THE BEST BUMPER STICKERS
‘’Change is inevitable- except from a vending machine.’’

‘’Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.’’

‘’As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.’’

‘’Laugh alone and the whole world thinks you’re an idiot.’’

‘’I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.’’

‘’The gene pool could use a little chlorine’’

’’Don’t blame me, I’m the thing from Uranus’’

‘’I took an IQ test and the results were negative’’

‘’Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?’’

‘’Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.’’

‘’Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.’’

‘’He who laughs thinks the slowest’’

‘’i souport publik edekasion’’

‘’We are Microsoft. Resisitance is futile. You will be assimilated.’’

‘’Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.’’

WELL, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT…
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers, eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like
Speaking English is apparently what kills you