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Latest Activity: Played Exit/Corners (4 hours ago)

Points needed for next level: 1553 Level

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    behind you!
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    Aug. 18, 2008

Psssst! C’mere, Billy! I’m gonna tell you how to make the best game ever on Kongregate.

1) Make sure it lags really bad after 10 minutes of play time. This makes the game challenging and exciting. Will it freeze at the critical dodge moment during a boss fight? Who knows!

2) Rip off an old school Nintendo game like Final Fantasy. Confusing the term “nostalgia” with “lack of creativity” is awesome.

3) Make it pay-to-win! Users love spending real money so that they don’t have to grind for 83 hours to get a medium badge.

4) Include lots of links to your other awful games. Put these on the loading screen, the menu screens, important buttons, and hide them within the game itself. It’s really awesome if you make them open in the same window the game is being played so that the user has to start all over again.

5) Don’t include a mute button. Your poor quality music choices and sound effects deserve to be heard! If you do include a mute button, make sure that it mutes both the effects and the music together. The awkward, empty silence lets them reflect on how great your game truly is.

6) Make sure the save feature doesn’t work. Or make sure that the load feature doesn’t work. Or both. Yeah, both.

7) When you add badges, make sure the descriptions are poorly worded. Be sure to code poorly so that the players have to play your entire game over again to get the badges. This adds replay value.

8) Make your game an MMO, or have the gameplay require cooperative online play. Players love having to deal with trolls and morons for 3 hours just to get a 5 point badge. This becomes even better when your game is 6 years old and the only guy left on the server is a retarded wombat.

9) Use an innovative control scheme. WASD is so 1999. F10 is a perfectly logical key for jump when GYX:Lq1$da are your directionals.

10) Berate people in your game description for not liking your game. You’re the genius developer who sunk a whole 3 weeks into making your epic creation with the help of your little sister and halfwit friend, not them. What do they do all day? Play games? Psssh. Clearly they don’t know what makes a good game.

11) Make second, third, and even fourth versions of your game without implementing any previous user suggestions. It’s a lot of work to fix an annoying sound effect or a moronic game mechanic when only 103,432 people have said it ruins the game.

12) Don’t include a tutorial for your game. Don’t even bother filling in the instructions section for Kongregate. Include a link players can follow to your poorly designed, pay-per-click, ad-lagged website. Even better if the link leads to the wrong game or something completely irrelevant. Bonus points if the link is a 404.

13) Don’t constrain the mouse to the screen, so that when the user is clicking wildly during a really intense boss battle, they go off the game screen and end up highlighting half the page, clicking new tabs, clicking other links, and messing up various settings.

14) If the mouse IS constrained to the game, make sure to have the game auto-pause when it loses focus, and then don’t include an option to turn it off. This is even better with…

15) Include unskippable, poorly animated “cut-scenes” that last upwards of 10 minutes and do little for the game’s entertainment value. If you pair this with auto-pause, there’s no escape! Now they HAVE to appreciate your weeaboo girlfriend’s handiwork. She’s getting better guyz, really!

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