IAmCody

Alright, here’s a little story for the holidays. The story explaining why i want to kill Santa. It was nearly four years ago, on Easter. The Easter Bunny was making his usual route, leaving eggs in houses for children to find the next morning.

He got a little lazy, however. He began dropping eggs down chimneys and having them find their own hiding places. Santa heard of this, and the fat bastard grew angry. He thought chimneys were his territory, and didn’t take kindly to others using them, for any reason.

He hired a banana with a mustache to assassinate the Easter Bunny. The banana with a mustache (or BwM) decided he would try to throw a rhinocerous at the Easter Bunny. This was right in front of my house. The Bunny is a close personal friend of mine. I had to rush him into the hospital, finish his egg route, and then tend to him for three weeks while he recovered.

It was during this time that i tracked down BwM on my computer. I found out he was a hitman, and his latest client was old Kris Kringle himself. I swore revenge on Santa Claus that day.

Santa grew nervous. I sent him a “Christmas letter” full of my “wishes.” Needless to say, it told him my plan to find him and kill him. He traded in his sleigh and reindeer for a pirate ship, and sailed off to North Dakota. Don’t ask me how he got there, but that’s where he is now. I can’t find his exact whereabouts, but I know he’s out there, and this is my year.

He doesn’t even deliver presents to the children. He has done nothing for society. He is an old fat hypocrite. It’s the elves he keeps as slaves who are behind the real joy of Christmas. They still do their routine, delivering presents and all. Which is why this year, when the team of elves drop into my house, I’m going to follow them back to Santa, and take him out myself, as well as BwM, who my sources tell me is also on the pirate ship.

The elves must be freed. Christmas must be saved. I promise you, I will put an end to the tyrrany of “Saint” Nick.