Max Zakian
Mrs. Pendergrass
Freshman Honors Genre
6/6/12
Romeo and Juliet in Fifteen Minutes
Chorus: So, yeah. Two warring houses in a place in Italy, where everyone speaks perfect English. One guy stole a pig from the other and they’ve been killing each other since. Then, two people who are very young and very, very stupid fall in love. Happy ending! Until they die. No flash photography during the play.
Act I
Scene 1. Verona. A public Place.
Sampson: So, raunchy sex jokes?
Gregory: Maybe later, look, there’s some Montagues!
Sampson: Oh, their family hates ours. Any wrong thing could start a bloody fight.flip off
Abraham: Did you just flip me off?
Sampson: Yup!
Gregory: Wanna fight?
Abraham: No?
Balthasar: I never get any lines….
Gregory: Hey there’s Benvolio! He’s awesome!
Sampson: So I can’t stab people?
Benvolio: Everybody calm the %#$ down! We can’t fight… Oh, crap, it’s Tybalt…
Tybalt: I will kill ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!
A Terrible Fight Occurs, Ending in Several Boo-boos and a Few Broken Nails.
Capulet: I’d kill them all if I had my sword…
Montague: Ditto.
Lady Capulet: Please, you haven’t been able to wield your “sword” right in years…
Lady Montague: Ditto…
Prince: Enough! You disrupted my beauty sleep! As fun as it is to watch you idiots kill each other, it’s even more fun if I kill all of you for disturbing the peace! No more fights on the streets!
Montague: That was weird, I hope it’s not the beginning of a long tragic story *wink. Where’s Romeo?
Loud Sobbing Echoes off the City Streets
Benvolio: Did you hear a little girl?
Montague: No… that’s my son… Go see why he’s so gloomy.
Benvolio: What’s wrong, Romeo?
Romeo: My girlfriend became a nun…
Benvolio: Wow, you must suck at foreplay… Cheer up, there’s plenty of fish in the sea
Romeo: Compared to her, they’re all flounders.
Scene II. A Street.
Paris: So, let’s talk about pimping your daughter to me.
Capulet: She’s, like, 13.
Paris: Exactly. I could’ve had the 10 year-old, but you said to wait.
Capulet: too hasty a marriage leads in a sword barely ever polished. Get her to love you, she’s a kid, just sing some Justin Bieber. I’ll throw a party tonight, woo her.
Meanwhile, On Another Street.
Romeo: If you don’t shut up, I’ll kick you.
Benvolio: You mad, bro?
Servant: Sup, guys! The Capulets are inviting everyone to come to a party tonight. Have fun, unless you’re a Montague. They are our enemies, and if they come, we could see chaos.
Benvolio: Hey, we should go!
Romeo: This invitation says Rosaline will be there.
Benvolio: come on, bro, think of all the hot 11 year-olds!
Scene III. Capulet House.
Lady Capulet: Nurse, how old is my daughter again?
Nurse: She’s 13… I would know, I raised her as my own while you were busy away, as I…
Lady Capulet: I’m bored, where’s my daughter?
Juliet: Mother, what is it?
Lady Capulet: good news, we’ve found you a husband!
Juliet: Shouldn’t I know his name?
Lady Capulet: Oh, names aren’t important, my dear Jane! Now let’s go meet your groom at the party.
Scene IV. A Street. Not the First Street, a Different One.
Romeo: Wow, it’s dark out here.
Mercutio: Quiet, while I recite a large poem!
Romeo: I don’t want to go to a party, I had a bad dream.
Mercutio: That’s Queen Mab, she’s just a fairy that violates your mind. It’s fine!
Benvolio: Guys, let’s just go.
Scene V. A Hall in Capulet House.
Capulet: Enjoy my party! Eat my food, my wine and my women.
Romeo: Who’s that?
Servant: I…
Romeo: Hush. She’s hot!
Tybalt: I hear a little girl’s voice… Romeo! He shall suffer!
Capulet: Woah, slow your roll, man. We can’t fight them anymore. Go get drunk and merry, quit your brooding.
Tybalt: But I like brooding…
Romeo: You’re pretty.
Juliet: Do I know you?
Romeo: Kiss me!
Julet: Okay! For the love of god, do not act this scene out, we just had lunch.
Nurse: Juliet, your mother wants you!
Juliet: Bye, hot stuff.
Nurse: So, who the hell was that?
Juliet: No idea, but he’s a good kisser.
Nurse: My lady, that is Romeo, son of Montague!
Juliet: Is that bad?
Romeo: Wait, Juliet’s the name of Capulet’s daughter… Oh, why must I be such a bad boy?
Act II
Chorus: Now two horny teenagers realize they’re actually mortal enemies. Romeo, who finally loved again after a painful hour and a half, and Juliet, who found a soul mate at the old age of 13, realize they can never be. So, instead of never being, they decide to do something stupid.
Scene I. A Lane by the Wall of Capulet Orchard.
Romeo: My Juliet is in there!
Benvolio: What are you doing? Don’t jump down the wall!
Mercutio: Relax. He believes he can fly.
Benvolio: You’re drunk, aren’t you?
Mercutio: Yup!
Scene II. Capulet Orchard.
Romeo: This is my love I see. I should stalk her a while.
Juliet: Oh why must he be a Montague? Why must I be a Capulet? Why am I talking to myself?
Romeo: You’re not. I’m here!
Juliet: Have you been stalking me this whole time? That is so sweet!
Romeo: I love you.
Juliet: I love you!
Romeo: I love you!
Juliet: I love you!
Nurse: Oh just kiss already!!!
Romeo: Wanna get married?
Juliet: I met you tonight… Of course I do!
Scene III. Friar Laurence’s Cell.
Friar: Ah, time to say a very long, confusing riddle that future high school English classes will ponder for centuries! Romeo? What’s up?
Romeo: Hey, I met a girl last night, can you marry us?
Friar: Of course! who is it?
Romeo: Juliet of house Capulet.
Friar: That is your family’s sworn enemy… That’s a great idea!
Scene IV. A Street. No, These Streets Do Not Have Names.
Benvolio: Where’s Romeo? I haven’t seen him all day.
Mercutio: I don’t know, but he probably should stay away from Tybalt. He’s angry with him.
Benvolio: Big surprise. Romeo, where have you been!?
Romeo: I feel so happy today. I’m walking on sunshine friends!
Mercutio: Getting drunk?
Nurse: Which one of you is Romeo?
Mercutio: I’m whoever you want me to be, baby-face.
Nurse: Shut up, fool! optional slap
Romeo: Are you Juliet’s nurse?
Nurse: Yes, are you ready to get married to Juliet?
Romeo: Definitely!
Scene V. Capulet’s Orchard.
Juliet: Nurse, what did Romeo say?
Nurse: Oh, I’m so tired…
Juliet: I will cut you.
Nurse: ….He wants to marry you.
Juliet: Yay!!!
Scene VI. Friar Laurence’s Cell.
Friar: So, ready to get married?
Romeo: Let’s get this over with!
Juliet: Oh so romantic!
Friar: you’re married now. Happy day!
Act III.
Scene I. A Public Place. Like Band Camp
Benvolio: Hot day. We should avoid meeting the Capulets, we may get in a fight.
Mercutio: Bring it on. Here they come now.
Tybalt: Where is Romeo!?!?
Mercutio: Getting you a chill pill, I hope.
Tybalt: You wanna go!?
Romeo: Tybalt, I love you now, but I can’t tell you why!
Tybalt: You crashed my party. You’re stupid!
Mercutio: Hey, I’ll fight you for those words!
Mercutio and Tybalt begin the biggest slap fight in the history of the world. Then they take out their swords and begin to fight.
Romeo: No, Mercutio, give me that sword!
As Romeo takes Mercutio’s sword, Tybalt stabs Mercutio and runs off.
Romeo: NOOOO!!!
Benvolio: NOOOO!!!
Mercutio: OWWW!!!
Mercutio dies, Romeo, begins to cry, then takes his sword and follows Tybalt.
Romeo: Come back here, I’ll kill you now!
Tybalt: Come at me, bro!
Romeo throws the sword right into Tybalt’s chest, Tybalt dies instantly.
Benvolio: Why would you do that!?!
Romeo: I’m still kinda drunk.
Prince: What is going on here?
Benvolio: Run, quick!
Romeo flees as the prince comes up to Benvolio.
Prince: You’re a nerd, right? what happened?
Benvolio: Romeo killed Tybalt after Tybalt killed Mercutio. Tybalt started it!
Prince: I don’t care, Romeo is banished from Verona forever!
Scene II. Capulet’s Orchard.
Juliet: Where is my Romeo? I hope he’s off doing good deeds.
Nurse: Romeo killed Tybalt!!
Juliet: Crap…
Nurse: Mercutio is dead too…
Juliet: Is Romeo alive?
Nurse: He’s banished, they’ll kill him if he stays in Verona. Any contact is danger.
Juliet: Can you find him?
Nurse: Of course.
Scene III. Friar Laurence’s Cell.
Friar: Romeo, you idiot.
Romeo: What did I do?
Friar: The prince banished you from ever going back to the city.
Romeo: No, my life is over!
Friar: Dude, your 17. Get a life. who’s at the door?
Nurse: I’m Juliet’s nurse. Where is Romeo?
Friar: Crying in the corner over there.
Romeo: WHYYYYY!!!!
Nurse: Oh, wow, that’s sad.
Romeo: WAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!
Friar: Romeo, get up, go see the world.
Romeo: My world is Juliet!
Friar: You have to know her for at least a week before that!
Nurse: Juliet is doing the same as him. She brought you this ring.
Friar: Oh god, he’s going to cry again… Go back to Juliet.
Scene IV. A Room in Capulet’s House.
Capulet: So, you want to marry my daughter?
Paris: Sure, how’s Thursday?
Capulet: Three day’s notice? Perfect timing!
Scene V. Capulet’s Orchard.
Juliet: That was the best 30 seconds of my life! Do you have to leave?
Romeo: Well, I guess you can stay.
Juliet: Actually, no. Go away.
Nurse: Juliet, your mother is coming.
Lady Capulet: How are you my darling? are you still grieving Tybalt?
Juliet: The loss is so harsh, I can’t believe it…
Lady Capulet: Yeah, whatever. You’re getting married to Paris on Tuesday.
Juliet: I don’t want to!
Lady Capulet: Did you say no?
Capulet: What!?!? Did my daughter show backbone? I’ll throw her out! You must marry!
Lady Capulet: Come on, arranged marriages aren’t so bad. You get money!
Juliet: Nurse, what should I do?
Nurse: I think you should marry Paris.
Juliet: I hate you! Get out! Maybe I should kill myself…
Act IV.
Scene I. Friar Laurence’s Cell.
Friar: So you want to marry her on Thursday, Paris?
Paris: Let’s do it. Hi Juliet!
Juliet: Go away, I have to make a confession.
Paris: You poor thing. I’ll make you happy when we marry. Goodbye.
Juliet: So what do we do?
Friar: We have to kill you.
Juliet: Okay, got a knife?
Friar: Not for real… Drink this vial, and you will fall asleep and look dead for a day. People will think you’re dead and take you to the crypt. Romeo is in the city of Mantua, I will send a message and he will come.
Juliet: Will this really work?
Friar: Probably.
Juliet: Good enough for me!
Scene II. Hall in Capulet’s House.
Capulet: You ready to get married now?
Juliet: Yes.
Capulet: What do you mean n… Oh you said yes? Great!
Lady Capulet: Oh, you’ll look so pretty!
Scene III. Juliet’s Chamber.
Lady Capulet: Go sleep. Big day tomorrow.
Juliet: Good night. Now that she’s gone, I can take my drugs.
Juliet pulls the vial from out of her pillow.
Juliet: But what if this kills me? Or what if no one finds me in time? Oh well.
She drinks it all in one gulp and falls to the floor.
Scene IV. Hall in Capulet’s House.
Lady Capulet: Big day today!
Capulet: Yes, I’m going to make so much money off of this! Oh, and our daughter’s happiness, too.
Lady Capulet: Where is our daughter? Nurse, go find her?
Scene V. Juliet’s Chamber.
Nurse: Juliet, wake up. You can sleep when you’re married, that’s all you’ll be doing, trust me. Juliet? Why are you… Oh my god!!
Lady Capulet: What happened? Oh my god, Juliet’s dead!
Capulet: Oh she’s just pretending. Look at her, she’s clearly…Oh no..
Paris: What is going on up… oh no!
Nurse: Why did this happen?
Paris: My beautiful money! Erm, I mean bride.
Capulet: Someone play a sad song, take her body to the crypt.
Act V.
Scene I. Mantua. A Street.
Romeo: I’ve managed to make it to a city not far off Verona. But what of my poor Juliet… Balthasar, is that you?
Balthasar: I bring news from Verona. From your city.
Romeo: Bless you, Balthasar, you finally got a line in the play!
Balthasar: I know, right? I mean… I bring grave tidings. Juliet is dead.
Romeo: No… this can’t be. I can’t live without her!
Distraught, Romeo runs to the town apothecary.
Romeo: Apothecary, I need a poison to kill myself with.
Apothecary: Every law is against this…
Romeo: I’ll pay you double.
Apothecary: Done.
Scene II. Friar Laurence’s Cell.
Friar: Brother John, how did Romeo take the news?
John: I never reached him. the house I went to was struck by plague.
Friar: What a shame. Well, time to go grave-robbing! Have you seen my crowbar?
Scene III. A Churchyard; in it a Monument Belonging to the Capulets.
Paris: Page, give me my torch, so I can grieve my love’s loss. No one can see me, can they?
Page: Isn’t that Romeo over there?
Romeo: Well, Balthasar, let us see what is in the crypt.
Balthasar: If we’re attacked by zombies, I’m not the bait this time.
Paris: Romeo is going to defile my love’s tomb with his dark taint. Stop you necropheliac!
Paris runs up to Romeo, sword in hand.
Romeo: I don’t want to fight you.
Paris: Die, peasant!
Paris trips on a root and falls on his sword. The Page runs away to find the guard.
Paris: you have defeated me in battle, but please put me in the tomb by my love.
Romeo: ….Sure…
As Paris dies, Romeo spits on his body and enters the crypt.
Romeo: Oh Juliet, it is true, You are dead. I will follow you soon.
We’ll skip the kissing scene since kissing dead bodies is gross. Romeo drinks the poison and dies instantly. The Friar enters the churchyard.
Friar: Is that blood on the ground? Oh this can’t be good. Balthasar, is that you? What happened?
Balthasar: Romeo came to say goodbye to Juliet, but Paris attacked him suddenly. Romeo killed Paris and entered the tomb a half hour ago.
Friar: Oh, this can’t be good.
The friar runs inside just as Juliet begins to awake.
Juliet: Friar? Where is my Romeo?
Friar: On the floor my lady.
Juliet: NOOOO!!
Guard: Whoever is in there, come out!
Friar: Is that a ghost?
Juliet: I can’t live anymore!
As the friar runs toward the ghost and the guard enters the crypt, Juliet stabs herself with a knife in Romeo’s belt.
Guard: Oh not again…
Prince: Guard, I have brought the Montagues and Capulets to see what has happened.
Friar: I’ll tell you what happened. Romeo and Juliet were married, then Romeo killed Tybalt and you banished him. When Lord Capulet told Juliet to marry, she wanted to kill herself. I told her to drink a potion to look dead, and I would get Romeo to take her out of the crypt and they would escape. But he thought Juliet was dead and killed himself, so Juliet woke up and killed herself.
Prince: What about Paris?
Friar: It’s in France.
Capulet: Who cares, my daughter is dead.
Montague: My son is dead and technically, we’re in laws now.
Capulet: Friends?
Montague: Friends.
The Montagues and Capulets ended their feud then, and everyone lives happily ever after. Except the people that died horrible painful deaths.
Max Zakian
Mrs. Pendergrass
Freshman Honors Genre
6/6/12
Romeo and Juliet in Fifteen Minutes
Chorus: So, yeah. Two warring houses in a place in Italy, where everyone speaks perfect English. One guy stole a pig from the other and they’ve been killing each other since. Then, two people who are very young and very, very stupid fall in love. Happy ending! Until they die. No flash photography during the play.
Act I
Scene 1. Verona. A public Place.
Sampson: So, raunchy sex jokes?
Gregory: Maybe later, look, there’s some Montagues!
Sampson: Oh, their family hates ours. Any wrong thing could start a bloody fight.flip off
Abraham: Did you just flip me off?
Sampson: Yup!
Gregory: Wanna fight?
Abraham: No?
Balthasar: I never get any lines….
Gregory: Hey there’s Benvolio! He’s awesome!
Sampson: So I can’t stab people?
Benvolio: Everybody calm the %#$ down! We can’t fight… Oh, crap, it’s Tybalt…
Tybalt: I will kill ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!
A Terrible Fight Occurs, Ending in Several Boo-boos and a Few Broken Nails.
Capulet: I’d kill them all if I had my sword…
Montague: Ditto.
Lady Capulet: Please, you haven’t been able to wield your “sword” right in years…
Lady Montague: Ditto…
Prince: Enough! You disrupted my beauty sleep! As fun as it is to watch you idiots kill each other, it’s even more fun if I kill all of you for disturbing the peace! No more fights on the streets!
Montague: That was weird, I hope it’s not the beginning of a long tragic story *wink. Where’s Romeo?
Loud Sobbing Echoes off the City Streets
Benvolio: Did you hear a little girl?
Montague: No… that’s my son… Go see why he’s so gloomy.
Benvolio: What’s wrong, Romeo?
Romeo: My girlfriend became a nun…
Benvolio: Wow, you must suck at foreplay… Cheer up, there’s plenty of fish in the sea
Romeo: Compared to her, they’re all flounders.
Scene II. A Street.
Paris: So, let’s talk about pimping your daughter to me.
Capulet: She’s, like, 13.
Paris: Exactly. I could’ve had the 10 year-old, but you said to wait.
Capulet: too hasty a marriage leads in a sword barely ever polished. Get her to love you, she’s a kid, just sing some Justin Bieber. I’ll throw a party tonight, woo her.
Meanwhile, On Another Street.
Romeo: If you don’t shut up, I’ll kick you.
Benvolio: You mad, bro?
Servant: Sup, guys! The Capulets are inviting everyone to come to a party tonight. Have fun, unless you’re a Montague. They are our enemies, and if they come, we could see chaos.
Benvolio: Hey, we should go!
Romeo: This invitation says Rosaline will be there.
Benvolio: come on, bro, think of all the hot 11 year-olds!
Scene III. Capulet House.
Lady Capulet: Nurse, how old is my daughter again?
Nurse: She’s 13… I would know, I raised her as my own while you were busy away, as I…
Lady Capulet: I’m bored, where’s my daughter?
Juliet: Mother, what is it?
Lady Capulet: good news, we’ve found you a husband!
Juliet: Shouldn’t I know his name?
Lady Capulet: Oh, names aren’t important, my dear Jane! Now let’s go meet your groom at the party.
Scene IV. A Street. Not the First Street, a Different One.
Romeo: Wow, it’s dark out here.
Mercutio: Quiet, while I recite a large poem!
Romeo: I don’t want to go to a party, I had a bad dream.
Mercutio: That’s Queen Mab, she’s just a fairy that violates your mind. It’s fine!
Benvolio: Guys, let’s just go.
Scene V. A Hall in Capulet House.
Capulet: Enjoy my party! Eat my food, my wine and my women.
Romeo: Who’s that?
Servant: I…
Romeo: Hush. She’s hot!
Tybalt: I hear a little girl’s voice… Romeo! He shall suffer!
Capulet: Woah, slow your roll, man. We can’t fight them anymore. Go get drunk and merry, quit your brooding.
Tybalt: But I like brooding…
Romeo: You’re pretty.
Juliet: Do I know you?
Romeo: Kiss me!
Julet: Okay! For the love of god, do not act this scene out, we just had lunch.
Nurse: Juliet, your mother wants you!
Juliet: Bye, hot stuff.
Nurse: So, who the hell was that?
Juliet: No idea, but he’s a good kisser.
Nurse: My lady, that is Romeo, son of Montague!
Juliet: Is that bad?
Romeo: Wait, Juliet’s the name of Capulet’s daughter… Oh, why must I be such a bad boy?
Act II
Chorus: Now two horny teenagers realize they’re actually mortal enemies. Romeo, who finally loved again after a painful hour and a half, and Juliet, who found a soul mate at the old age of 13, realize they can never be. So, instead of never being, they decide to do something stupid.
Scene I. A Lane by the Wall of Capulet Orchard.
Romeo: My Juliet is in there!
Benvolio: What are you doing? Don’t jump down the wall!
Mercutio: Relax. He believes he can fly.
Benvolio: You’re drunk, aren’t you?
Mercutio: Yup!
Scene II. Capulet Orchard.
Romeo: This is my love I see. I should stalk her a while.
Juliet: Oh why must he be a Montague? Why must I be a Capulet? Why am I talking to myself?
Romeo: You’re not. I’m here!
Juliet: Have you been stalking me this whole time? That is so sweet!
Romeo: I love you.
Juliet: I love you!
Romeo: I love you!
Juliet: I love you!
Nurse: Oh just kiss already!!!
Romeo: Wanna get married?
Juliet: I met you tonight… Of course I do!
Scene III. Friar Laurence’s Cell.
Friar: Ah, time to say a very long, confusing riddle that future high school English classes will ponder for centuries! Romeo? What’s up?
Romeo: Hey, I met a girl last night, can you marry us?
Friar: Of course! who is it?
Romeo: Juliet of house Capulet.
Friar: That is your family’s sworn enemy… That’s a great idea!
Scene IV. A Street. No, These Streets Do Not Have Names.
Benvolio: Where’s Romeo? I haven’t seen him all day.
Mercutio: I don’t know, but he probably should stay away from Tybalt. He’s angry with him.
Benvolio: Big surprise. Romeo, where have you been!?
Romeo: I feel so happy today. I’m walking on sunshine friends!
Mercutio: Getting drunk?
Nurse: Which one of you is Romeo?
Mercutio: I’m whoever you want me to be, baby-face.
Nurse: Shut up, fool! optional slap
Romeo: Are you Juliet’s nurse?
Nurse: Yes, are you ready to get married to Juliet?
Romeo: Definitely!
Scene V. Capulet’s Orchard.
Juliet: Nurse, what did Romeo say?
Nurse: Oh, I’m so tired…
Juliet: I will cut you.
Nurse: ….He wants to marry you.
Juliet: Yay!!!
Scene VI. Friar Laurence’s Cell.
Friar: So, ready to get married?
Romeo: Let’s get this over with!
Juliet: Oh so romantic!
Friar: you’re married now. Happy day!
Act III.
Scene I. A Public Place. Like Band Camp
Benvolio: Hot day. We should avoid meeting the Capulets, we may get in a fight.
Mercutio: Bring it on. Here they come now.
Tybalt: Where is Romeo!?!?
Mercutio: Getting you a chill pill, I hope.
Tybalt: You wanna go!?
Romeo: Tybalt, I love you now, but I can’t tell you why!
Tybalt: You crashed my party. You’re stupid!
Mercutio: Hey, I’ll fight you for those words!
Mercutio and Tybalt begin the biggest slap fight in the history of the world. Then they take out their swords and begin to fight.
Romeo: No, Mercutio, give me that sword!
As Romeo takes Mercutio’s sword, Tybalt stabs Mercutio and runs off.
Romeo: NOOOO!!!
Benvolio: NOOOO!!!
Mercutio: OWWW!!!
Mercutio dies, Romeo, begins to cry, then takes his sword and follows Tybalt.
Romeo: Come back here, I’ll kill you now!
Tybalt: Come at me, bro!
Romeo throws the sword right into Tybalt’s chest, Tybalt dies instantly.
Benvolio: Why would you do that!?!
Romeo: I’m still kinda drunk.
Prince: What is going on here?
Benvolio: Run, quick!
Romeo flees as the prince comes up to Benvolio.
Prince: You’re a nerd, right? what happened?
Benvolio: Romeo killed Tybalt after Tybalt killed Mercutio. Tybalt started it!
Prince: I don’t care, Romeo is banished from Verona forever!
Scene II. Capulet’s Orchard.
Juliet: Where is my Romeo? I hope he’s off doing good deeds.
Nurse: Romeo killed Tybalt!!
Juliet: Crap…
Nurse: Mercutio is dead too…
Juliet: Is Romeo alive?
Nurse: He’s banished, they’ll kill him if he stays in Verona. Any contact is danger.
Juliet: Can you find him?
Nurse: Of course.
Scene III. Friar Laurence’s Cell.
Friar: Romeo, you idiot.
Romeo: What did I do?
Friar: The prince banished you from ever going back to the city.
Romeo: No, my life is over!
Friar: Dude, your 17. Get a life. who’s at the door?
Nurse: I’m Juliet’s nurse. Where is Romeo?
Friar: Crying in the corner over there.
Romeo: WHYYYYY!!!!
Nurse: Oh, wow, that’s sad.
Romeo: WAAAAHAHAHAHA!!!
Friar: Romeo, get up, go see the world.
Romeo: My world is Juliet!
Friar: You have to know her for at least a week before that!
Nurse: Juliet is doing the same as him. She brought you this ring.
Friar: Oh god, he’s going to cry again… Go back to Juliet.
Scene IV. A Room in Capulet’s House.
Capulet: So, you want to marry my daughter?
Paris: Sure, how’s Thursday?
Capulet: Three day’s notice? Perfect timing!
Scene V. Capulet’s Orchard.
Juliet: That was the best 30 seconds of my life! Do you have to leave?
Romeo: Well, I guess you can stay.
Juliet: Actually, no. Go away.
Nurse: Juliet, your mother is coming.
Lady Capulet: How are you my darling? are you still grieving Tybalt?
Juliet: The loss is so harsh, I can’t believe it…
Lady Capulet: Yeah, whatever. You’re getting married to Paris on Tuesday.
Juliet: I don’t want to!
Lady Capulet: Did you say no?
Capulet: What!?!? Did my daughter show backbone? I’ll throw her out! You must marry!
Lady Capulet: Come on, arranged marriages aren’t so bad. You get money!
Juliet: Nurse, what should I do?
Nurse: I think you should marry Paris.
Juliet: I hate you! Get out! Maybe I should kill myself…
Act IV.
Scene I. Friar Laurence’s Cell.
Friar: So you want to marry her on Thursday, Paris?
Paris: Let’s do it. Hi Juliet!
Juliet: Go away, I have to make a confession.
Paris: You poor thing. I’ll make you happy when we marry. Goodbye.
Juliet: So what do we do?
Friar: We have to kill you.
Juliet: Okay, got a knife?
Friar: Not for real… Drink this vial, and you will fall asleep and look dead for a day. People will think you’re dead and take you to the crypt. Romeo is in the city of Mantua, I will send a message and he will come.
Juliet: Will this really work?
Friar: Probably.
Juliet: Good enough for me!
Scene II. Hall in Capulet’s House.
Capulet: You ready to get married now?
Juliet: Yes.
Capulet: What do you mean n… Oh you said yes? Great!
Lady Capulet: Oh, you’ll look so pretty!
Scene III. Juliet’s Chamber.
Lady Capulet: Go sleep. Big day tomorrow.
Juliet: Good night. Now that she’s gone, I can take my drugs.
Juliet pulls the vial from out of her pillow.
Juliet: But what if this kills me? Or what if no one finds me in time? Oh well.
She drinks it all in one gulp and falls to the floor.
Scene IV. Hall in Capulet’s House.
Lady Capulet: Big day today!
Capulet: Yes, I’m going to make so much money off of this! Oh, and our daughter’s happiness, too.
Lady Capulet: Where is our daughter? Nurse, go find her?
Scene V. Juliet’s Chamber.
Nurse: Juliet, wake up. You can sleep when you’re married, that’s all you’ll be doing, trust me. Juliet? Why are you… Oh my god!!
Lady Capulet: What happened? Oh my god, Juliet’s dead!
Capulet: Oh she’s just pretending. Look at her, she’s clearly…Oh no..
Paris: What is going on up… oh no!
Nurse: Why did this happen?
Paris: My beautiful money! Erm, I mean bride.
Capulet: Someone play a sad song, take her body to the crypt.
Act V.
Scene I. Mantua. A Street.
Romeo: I’ve managed to make it to a city not far off Verona. But what of my poor Juliet… Balthasar, is that you?
Balthasar: I bring news from Verona. From your city.
Romeo: Bless you, Balthasar, you finally got a line in the play!
Balthasar: I know, right? I mean… I bring grave tidings. Juliet is dead.
Romeo: No… this can’t be. I can’t live without her!
Distraught, Romeo runs to the town apothecary.
Romeo: Apothecary, I need a poison to kill myself with.
Apothecary: Every law is against this…
Romeo: I’ll pay you double.
Apothecary: Done.
Scene II. Friar Laurence’s Cell.
Friar: Brother John, how did Romeo take the news?
John: I never reached him. the house I went to was struck by plague.
Friar: What a shame. Well, time to go grave-robbing! Have you seen my crowbar?
Scene III. A Churchyard; in it a Monument Belonging to the Capulets.
Paris: Page, give me my torch, so I can grieve my love’s loss. No one can see me, can they?
Page: Isn’t that Romeo over there?
Romeo: Well, Balthasar, let us see what is in the crypt.
Balthasar: If we’re attacked by zombies, I’m not the bait this time.
Paris: Romeo is going to defile my love’s tomb with his dark taint. Stop you necropheliac!
Paris runs up to Romeo, sword in hand.
Romeo: I don’t want to fight you.
Paris: Die, peasant!
Paris trips on a root and falls on his sword. The Page runs away to find the guard.
Paris: you have defeated me in battle, but please put me in the tomb by my love.
Romeo: ….Sure…
As Paris dies, Romeo spits on his body and enters the crypt.
Romeo: Oh Juliet, it is true, You are dead. I will follow you soon.
We’ll skip the kissing scene since kissing dead bodies is gross. Romeo drinks the poison and dies instantly. The Friar enters the churchyard.
Friar: Is that blood on the ground? Oh this can’t be good. Balthasar, is that you? What happened?
Balthasar: Romeo came to say goodbye to Juliet, but Paris attacked him suddenly. Romeo killed Paris and entered the tomb a half hour ago.
Friar: Oh, this can’t be good.
The friar runs inside just as Juliet begins to awake.
Juliet: Friar? Where is my Romeo?
Friar: On the floor my lady.
Juliet: NOOOO!!
Guard: Whoever is in there, come out!
Friar: Is that a ghost?
Juliet: I can’t live anymore!
As the friar runs toward the ghost and the guard enters the crypt, Juliet stabs herself with a knife in Romeo’s belt.
Guard: Oh not again…
Prince: Guard, I have brought the Montagues and Capulets to see what has happened.
Friar: I’ll tell you what happened. Romeo and Juliet were married, then Romeo killed Tybalt and you banished him. When Lord Capulet told Juliet to marry, she wanted to kill herself. I told her to drink a potion to look dead, and I would get Romeo to take her out of the crypt and they would escape. But he thought Juliet was dead and killed himself, so Juliet woke up and killed herself.
Prince: What about Paris?
Friar: It’s in France.
Capulet: Who cares, my daughter is dead.
Montague: My son is dead and technically, we’re in laws now.
Capulet: Friends?
Montague: Friends.
The Montagues and Capulets ended their feud then, and everyone lives happily ever after. Except the people that died horrible painful deaths.
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