totheteex

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It all started when our (former porn) star, Toad McVenom, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling abundantly relieved, Toad McVenom backhanded a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved Taco was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, Leroy Brown. Toad McVenom had known Leroy Brown for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. Leroy Brown was unique. He was intelligent though sometimes a little… pestering. Toad McVenom called him anyway, for the situation was urgent. Leroy Brown picked up to a very happy Toad McVenom. Leroy Brown calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks panic before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually surreptitiously yawn after mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Toad McVenom. Why was Leroy Brown trying to distract Toad McVenom? Because he had snuck out from Toad McVenom’s with the Taco only four days prior. It was a electric little Taco… how could he resist? It didn’t take long before Toad McVenom got back to the subject at hand: his Taco. Leroy Brown shuddered. Relunctantly, Leroy Brown invited him over, assuring him they’d find the Taco. Toad McVenom grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Brown realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Taco and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if Toad McVenom took the magic flying carpet, he had take at least three minutes before Toad McVenom would get there. But if he took the Space Turd? Then Leroy Brown would be abnormally screwed. Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Brown was interrupted by two selfish Sarah Palins that were lured by his Taco. Leroy Brown yawned; ‘Not again’, he thought. Feeling relieved, he randomly reached for his gerbil and aptly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent—the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That’s when he heard the Space Turd rolling up. It was Toad McVenom.

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o0o——

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Toad McVenom was out of the Space Turd and went earnestly jaunting toward Leroy Brown’s front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Brown was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Taco into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind his hammock. Leroy Brown was stunned but at least the Taco was concealed. The doorbell rang. ‘Come in,’ Leroy Brown explosively purred. With a skillful push, Toad McVenom opened the door. ‘Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted coke fiend in a amphibious vehicle,’ he lied. ’It’s fine,’ Leroy Brown assured him. Toad McVenom took a seat uncomfortably close to where Leroy Brown had hidden the Taco. Leroy Brown yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. ‘Uhh, can I get you anything?’ he blurted. But Toad McVenom was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Leroy Brown noticed a funny-smelling look on Toad McVenom’s face. Toad McVenom slowly opened his mouth to speak. ‘…What’s that smell?’ Leroy Brown felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Toad McVenom asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Taco right by his oscillating fan. ‘Wh-what? I don’t smell anything..!’ A lie. A selfish look started to form on Toad McVenom’s face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. ‘Th-th-those are just my grandma’s live hand grenades from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh…dropped ‘em by here earlier’. Toad McVenom nodded with fake acknowledgement…then, before Leroy Brown could react, Toad McVenom aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The Taco was plainly in view. Toad McVenom stared at Leroy Brown for what what must’ve been six days. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Leroy Brown groped surreptitiously in Toad McVenom’s direction, clearly desperate. Toad McVenom grabbed the Taco and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Brown let out a eccentric chuckle. ‘If only you hadn’t been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Toad McVenom,’ he rebuked. Leroy Brown always had been a little stupid, so Toad McVenom knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Brown did something crazy, like… start chucking carrots at him or something. As if it really mattered he gripped his Taco tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. Leroy Brown looked on, blankly. ‘What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.’ Silence from Toad McVenom. ‘And to think, I varnished that window frame six days ago…it never ends!’ Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Toad McVenom. ‘Oh. You ..okay?’ Still silence. Leroy Brown walked over to the window and looked down. Toad McVenom was gone.

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o0o——

Just yonder, Toad McVenom was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Leroy Brown’s place. Toad McVenom had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Sarah Palins suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Taco. One by one they latched on to Toad McVenom. Already weakened from his injury, Toad McVenom yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Sarah Palins running off with his Taco. But then God came down with His congenial smile and restored Toad McVenom’s Taco. Feeling puzzled, God smote the Sarah Palins for their injustice. Then He got in His best-in-its-so-called-‘class’ sedan and zipped away with the fortitude of one million venomous koalas running from a enormous pack of spotted wolf hamsters. Toad McVenom stumbled with joy when he saw this. His Taco was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in five minutes his favorite TV show, All of them, was going to come on (followed immediately by ‘When South American hissing sloths meet gun’). Toad McVenom was pleased. And so, everyone except Leroy Brown and a few contraceptive-toting man-eating capybaras lived blissfully happy, forever after.