240168's messages

Just now I read the section of the story that you posted. Because the topic is locked, I’ve decided to tell you what I think of it here. ;)

Well, first of all, you should drop the whole Second Person to First Person thing. You ought to make it first person, with only ONE person telling the story, or, to make it much simpler to write and easier to read, make it all Third Person – using words like “He” and “She” rather “You.”

You need to complete your thoughts. Think of it like this: even though you, the writer of this stoy, knows what, exactly, is going on, your readers don’t. We only know what you tell us… Your very first paragraph went from a quick and shallow overview of the history of this Mysterious House, to the Main Character (otherwise known as “You”) watching his friends disappear into the house and screaming. And then, all of a sudden Main Character is in the basement with this thin little girl with swords sticking out of her wings… The following dialogue is completely unrealistic and rather hard to follow. What was most perplexing about this story was that all of a sudden, after Main Character’s rescue of the helpless little Wing Girl, the stroy is not only switched to First Person, but stays in Second Person! It took me a few seconds too long to realize who was behind the First Person voice, and that Second Person dude was still around…

In all, I think that if you would like to continue writing this story and other stories, go for it, so long as you enjoy it. Besides that, I would not expect to get any Pulitzer Prize for Literature on it.
But, anyways, you get an A for trying. Good luck on the rest! ^_