jonathanmadison

I AM JONATHAN! NOT ONLY THE OMG, NOT ONLY THE WTF, BUT THE OMGWTFBBQ! I write many short stories! Read them here:

The Story Where Jonathan Goes Into Space, Gets Lost and Meets a Land Whale.

Long ago, there lived a boy. His name was Jonathan. Now, Jonathan was not really cool nor good looking, but he loved to have adventures. His adventures took him to endless places.
One day, Jonathan was walking in his neighborhood park, looking for something to do. The park looked like crap, as no one in the town ever payed their taxes. Jonathan sat on one of the swings and started to swing, but it broke under his weight, because the chains were made of cheap plastic and metal prices were at an all-time high.
Jonathan was walking around, muttering to himself, “There must be something to do in this boring town, but what?” Jonathan walked all around his town and ended up in the city.
The city was so big. It looked so beautiful and it had shiny buildings, many colorful billboards, and loads and loads of crazy people. Jonathan’s favorite part was the crazy man dressed up as a taco who gave him a flyer to some place called taco time. Jonathan giggled at the sight of that, but all the taco man did was roll his eyes.
Jonathan walked into the taco time building and bought a taco. When he exited, however, he did not recognize where he was. He must have gone out the back door, he thought, but when he turned around, there was no door. Jonathan became very scared. He curled up into a ball and whimpered like a scared puppy until some man yelled, “HEY! You’re not supposed to be in here!”
Jonathan shot up and began apologizing fretfully. The man sighed, “It’s okay, you didn’t know. Hey, how would you like to do something really, really fun?” He asked. “It includes a fun adventure and flying!” Now, flying and adventures were the things Jonathan loved most. He quickly agreed.
Jonathan and the man walked along a big corridor with fancy machines which made cool whirring noises. “Now, son,” said the man, “this is NASA. We send people to space.” “Coooooolll!!!” Said Jonathan. “It sure is.” Said the man.
Next, Jonathan was brought into a room with a spiraling thingy. It looked very intimidating and Jonathan was scared yet again. “This thing is for part of the training to be an astronaut.” Said the man. Jonathan was spun around very fast round and round lots of times. At the end, he vomited up taco time from lunch. “Do it again! Do it again!” Shouted Jonathan, clapping his hands. “Sorry, only one time per person, there’s a line, you know.” Said the man.
Jonathan went through a whole bunch more tests that made him sick and required all of his energy. After his excruciating work, it was determined that he was ready for space.
He got into a shiny rocket ship that was very tall. There were lots of little fancy buttons all around the inside. It was so beautiful. “5...4...3...2...1... Liftoff” Said a loud voice. Jonathan felt the thrust. The rocket was flying. Jonathan squealed with excitement, because he was going to space.
When a voice said he could, he unbuckled his seatbelt and was able to move freely about the cabin. He jumped around. There was no gravity in the ship. From his studies, he knew that this was normal, as he was in free fall, falling at a rate of 9.8 m/s², for he remembered his seventh grade science class, and how the book seemed to teach it all.
Jonathan was so curious about the buttons. He saw a big red one. It was just so pretty that he could not resist. He pushed it. It made a buzzing noise, but nothing else happened. This got Jonathan excited. If this button didn’t do anything, surely the other ones must not, either. Jonathan pushed three more.
Unfortunately, Jonathan did not quit while he was ahead. The last button he pushed sent out the escape pod. He was ejected from the space ship and started spinning in his small, spherical vessel.
Jonathan was scared. Where would he go? This was space. Would he float on forever and die from starvation? He confirmed this when he saw that the only food that the ship offered was more taco time, and the taco time brought back terrible memories of vomiting when he spins too fast.
He floated on for what seemed like forever, when suddenly, the pod started to shake violently. He was heading for a giant planet that looked like earth, but there was no water! He couldn’t crash land here, he would die of thirst! His ship started to flame on the sides as he entered the atmosphere. The heat was too great, and the ship disintegrated around Jonathan.
Jonathan was in free fall with nothing but his space suit to protect him from the heat. He fell a little farther, when he suddenly landed on a tree with fruits on it that looked like pears, but much bigger. He ate one, but spit it out, for it tasted like poo. There was nothing else around that looked edible, so he walked on.
Jonathan soon came to a village. It was fairly large, with lots of houses. He entered one, but there was no one inside. He tried a few of the other houses, but no luck there, either. The village appeared deserted. No one was in the village, it appeared, so he moved on.
Suddenly, however, a little whale thing started tugging on Jonathan’s pant leg. “Uh, ‘scuse me? Uh, ‘scuse me.” Said the creature. “Huh?” responded Jonathan. “Oh. Hey, you’re a whale! Wow! And you’re not in water.” Said Jonathan” “Ya! I is land whale.” Said the whale. “Mommy and daddy and all the odder gwon-ups was ated by the scary creatures.” I can haz cheezburger now?
Jonathan took pity on the little land whale, but unfortunately, he did not have any cheeseburgers, only Taco Time. Jonathan fed his little land whale taco time food that he salvaged from the escape pod. Willy took one bite, vomited, then greedily gobbled the rest up. He took him along with him and named him Willy. They were friends now.
Jonathan and Willy walked along, humming a delightful tune. This got boring very quickly, so they stopped for an afternoon nap.
While Jonathan and Willy were napping, some evil creatures that wore funny hats kidnapped them. When Willy and Jonathan woke up, they were in a strange place. They appeared to be inside of a giant wooden crate. They were moving very fast, when suddenly, they were dropped.
The force of the drop broke open the crate. Jonathan and Willy were met by the strange creatures with funny hats. Jonathan giggled at the sight of them. “Hey! Just What Is So Funny!?” Yelled the creature. “You have funny hats on! I want one too!” said Jonathan. The creature rolled his eyes. “Come with me.” He said.
Willy and Jonathan travelled along a bland, colorless corridor with grey walls and a grey ceiling. It was so ugly, that Jonathan just had to say so. “Your hallway is so bland. Grey? No one likes grey! Blue is the thing now!” “Quiet, you!” Yelled the hatted creature again. “You’re so angry. Do you need a hug?” Asked Jonathan. “No! You touch me, and I’ll break your arm off!” Yelled the creature. “Sorry.” Said Jonathan, in a very sad tone, for he desperately wanted a hug.
Willy and Jonathan were brought to a cold cell, with the classic grey walls again. Jonathan was sad. Not only was he imprisoned, but the walls were bland here, too. Jonathan was very happy when he found out that he still had some crayons left over from taco time, for he had ordered from the kids menu. He colored on the walls and made a rainbow. Lucky for Jonathan, the wax from the crayons appeared to damage the walls, and made them very weak. Jonathan leaned against the wall, and it crumbled beside him.
When Jonathan looked over, he saw that he had created a way out. He took Willy and ran quickly, but one of the guards saw them while they were running and sounded the alarm. Jonathan became frightened, so he ran faster. It appeared as if they were going in circles. Jonathan and Willy had been running for what seemed like hours, when they finally came upon a giant door. They went in and right in front of them was another spaceship. Excited, Jonathan and Willy boarded the craft and set coordinates for Earth. They left the planet just as the creatures with the funny hats were about to catch up to them.
Now, Jonathan and Willy were in the craft. They were both hungry. Unfortunately, yet again, the only food in the ship was taco time. Angry, Jonathan started banging the many buttons, trying to get some food. Yet again, he hit the wrong button and they started to fall. They entered earth’s atmosphere, and once again, the ship disintegrated around them. Jonathan and Willy fell to the Earth and landed on Hillary Clinton and crushed her to death. Jonathan and Willy had not only came home safely, but also inadvertently saved the world from impending doom. Jonathan and Willy were considered heroes and both got shiny medals and lots of money.
The End!

Jonathan’s Wild Adventure
By: Jonathan Madison

Long ago, there lived a young boy. His name was Jonathan. Jonathan was not cool or smart, nor did he have good looks. But one day, this all changed.
Jonathan was making himself a milkshake. He was making his very favorite: strawberry kiwi. However, when he got up to get the straw, he saw that the box was empty. Frantically, Jonathan ran to the store to get some straws.
Upon his arrival at the store, he saw that they had a sale on bread. Now, Jonathan was a big bread eater. It was, in fact, his favorite snack. Jonathan temporarily had forgotten the straws and bought ten loaves of bread and went home with them.
It was not until he saw his milkshake sitting on the counter that he remembered. It was beginning to melt, so Jonathan knew that he would have to act quickly. He ran to the store as fast as he could. On the way, however, he accidently bumped into Jonathan, the now old man who has taken a journey to the cloud city. Old Jonathan stopped young Jonathan for a light conversation. The exchange took about five minutes, and Jonathan was then running even faster to the store.
When he got there, he was sad to see that his standard brand of straws were no longer being sold due to an impending lawsuit that their straws were causing cancer and birth defects. Jonathan pondered this for a moment, deciding what to do now. Then, Jonathan set his eyes on a new brand of straws, which said that one in every 1,000 boxes offered a grand prize trip to Canada.
Jonathan was then very excited. Just think: Jonathan in Canada, eating all the maple syrup that he wanted, while ice skating with the nice Canadians that he had never met before, but wanted to meet. Jonathan bought a box in hopes that it was a winner.
Jonathan got home and saw a horrific sight. His milkshake had completely melted. Jonathan sat down, put his face into his hands and cried. Jonathan opened the box of straws, and gasped. He had the winning box. Jonathan danced with joy, crying out with glee. He took the straw and slurped up the warm, yucky mush that was his milkshake.
Jonathan then, later that night, called the company. He redeemed his box for plane tickets to Canada. His flight would not leave for another two days, so Jonathan began to pack. He packed his toiletries first, as they are very important. Then his stuffed teddy bear, so he would not be lonely on the plane ride. And finally came his clothes. He brought his warmest ones, as he well knew that Canada is very chilly.
Finally, after two days of waiting, random outbursts of giggling and “I’M GOING TO CANADA” yells, Jonathan drove to the airport. The airport was very far away, but when Jonathan got there, he was even more excited. Now, Jonathan had never been to the airport before, nor had he ever been on a plane. When he got there, he gasped at just how big it was.
Jonathan went inside. He got in line to get his tickets to board first. “Name. Please,” said an old, bored looking lady. “Jonathan! And I’m Going to Canada!” “yea, that’s great kid, have fun.” She said in her very boring voice. “You sound so bored. Do you need a hug?” Asked Jonathan. “Actually, yes.” Said the bored lady. Jonathan gave her a hug, and immediately, the lady had a smile on her face. “have fun in Canada!” She said, while waving goodbye to Jonathan.
Next, Jonathan was on to the baggage check. There was a man there. He wore a fancy uniform with lots of badges. “excuse me, mister,” said Jonathan, “where can I get badges like that?” The man laughed. “well, son you got to get an education, and you got to do lots of paperwork.” “Thank you, I sure will sir!” Said Jonathan as he walked away. “Haha, nice lad...” Said the man.
Jonathan was sad, because his flight was delayed by five hours. He sat there and twiddled his thumbs, humming a delightful tune. “Hey, buddy. Stop that.” Said the big man next to him. “You sound angry. Do you need a hug?” Asked Jonathan. “NO...Yes...” said the man. Jonathan gave the big man a big hug and they were both happy again.
Jonathan walked along the stores in the airport to pass the time. He bought a bag of popcorn to share with the man that he had just met. The man was delighted to share it. They talked about life and other nonsense things. They laughed and they cried. Finally, the plane was ready to fly them to Canada. It was a long trip over barren landscapes of ice and snow. It was a long trip, but Jonathan’s newfound friend kept him company.
However, there was a problem. While in the air, some stupid bird managed to get into the turbine of one of the engines. The plane blew up and everyone died except for Jonathan and his friend. They were in free fall for what seemed like forever. They finally hit the ground. The flaming wreck landed all around Jonathan and his buddy.
Jonathan got up. But since Jonathan was big on following the rules, he waited until the plane came to a complete stop before unstrapping and getting his luggage, still intact. Jonathan and his friend were lucky. Not only had they survived a fiery wreck, but they also landed near the airport anyway, so they just walked to the rental area.
Both Jonathan and his friend were at the same hotel as well. Since they were now best friends, they got a hotel room together. They had fun in that hotel room. The first pushed the 2 beds together and built a small fort. Then, they jumped on the bed until the people below them threatened to call the cops on them. Then, they made prank phone calls to room service and to other rooms.
They had such fun, but they became tired. They pushed the beds back apart and went to sleep. That night, Jonathan dreamed about what they would do the next day.
When Jonathan woke up, he awoke his friend immediately after. They were then both jumping around in an excitable fashion. They were going to go ice skating!
It was a grand old time. Jonathan had so much fun with the Canadians living there. But there was the one time when he accidently broke the ice and fell in. It was rather cold. The Canadians, being the nice people that they are, fished him out and gave him some hot chocolate. That made Jonathan happy.
At the end of that day, Jonathan and his friend went back to the hotel room. They ordered a giant buffet of food from room service and invited the people from three rooms down to party with them. They had a great time having pillow fights and eating food and listening to music, dancing until they collapsed.
Jonathan Woke up the next morning with a bad hangover. Because of this, They watched TV in the hotel room all day instead of going out and doing some fun activity that the fellow Canadians had to offer. They went to bed early that night.
The third and final day, Jonathan went out to eat with his friend. They had Canadian food. They had lots of maple syrup. It was so yummy and sticky. They got carried away, however, and got thrown out of the restaurant and had to pay a fine because they were throwing food at unknowing people. When they were thrown out, they only laughed harder.
It was a sad time, for they both knew that they would never see each other again. However, that is when Jonathan got the idea of a lifetime. He told his friend that he should buy a house next to him so that they would never miss each other. He thought this a great idea and agreed. They flew home from Canada, and they lived happily ever after.
The End!


The Reason Why There Are Clouds
A Fable Written By Jonathan Madison

One day long ago, there lived a boy. His name was Jonathan. He was not the smartest person one had ever met. Now Jonathan was one curious fellow. One time he attempted to open a can just to see what was inside. However, he was disappointed when he just found some tuna.
However, this story is not about tuna or cans. One day, our curious hero Jonathan was outside, just a-sittin’ in his backyard, looking up at the sky. He loved to watch the clouds go by. Jonathan thought that he had seen them all. However, that same day, it started to rain. Then Jonathan began to question the sky.
“What if the clouds make rain?” Thought Jonathan. “This here could be a revolutionary discovery!” Jonathan became excited. He decided that he would journey to the sky to see if this strange notion could be true. He began to pack his bags for his nearing adventure.
The Next day, Jonathan began to journey through the town, saying his goodbyes to his friends before he left, and told them of his journey. Some of them laughed and said things like, “That is so stupid, everyone knows that rain comes from the clouds!” Jonathan, however, did not listen to the people, and then began his journey.
On the way there, he met a tree. The tree was screaming and crying about something. Jonathan approached the tree, and asked it what the matter was. “All my friends are laughing at me because I have termites.” Said the tree. As Jonathan was pondering this, he came up with an idea. “Hey termites!” He yelled, “Look at all of those other trees! They still have fresh wood!” The termites, excited by this, departed the weary tree and began to enter the other trees. The other trees began to mumble as the now clean tree began to laugh at all of them. After being thanked heavily by the little tree, Jonathan departed to follow the task at hand.
Jonathan, being not the smartest of them all, had finally began to wonder how that he would get to the sky. Jonathan, already tired from the work of the day, decided to sleep on it, and hope that it would come to him in his dreams.
The next morning, Jonathan woke up, refreshed. He had decided that in order to get to the sky, he would have to travel up the rainbow, for it clearly touches the sky. Conveniently, The rain from the previous day had just ended, and there was already a rainbow forming. Jonathan had to travel for what seemed like forever to get to the rainbow.
Once there, he met a funny little leprechaun. “Fool me, and you can have my pot of gold,” Said he. “No thanks, I don’t need gold. I am trying to find out if rain comes from the clouds.” The leprechaun fell to the ground laughing. “That is the stupidest thing that I have ever heard!” Jonathan began to laugh too, but he thought that the leprechaun was laughing with him. “I’ll tell you what,” Said the leprechaun, “I like the sound of this crazy journey. now, I will let you climb up my rainbow, if you can.” “Gee, thanks tiny man!” Said Jonathan as he began to climb. “It’s leprechaun!” Mumbled the frustrated leprechaun.
While he was climbing, he met the skittles man. “You will never defeat me! I am all-powerful!” Said the man. “I Will kill y--” “COOL! SKITTLES!” said Jonathan, as he began to eat the man. “NOOOOOO!!!!!!” Said the man. “I’ll avenge myself! I WILL! Yes, I will give you stomach cramps on my way down!” “Heeheehee! It sounds like he is on a journey of his own!” Jonathan giggled as he skipped along the rainbow.
When Jonathan finally reached the top of the rainbow, he noticed a hatch. On the sign read “Entrance to the cloud factory.” Puzzled, Jonathan decided to open it and enter inside.
He was amazed at what lay in front of him. He saw a huge castle-looking building. There did not appear to be any clear entrance to the strange building. Jonathan found one entrance, but it had a lock on it, so it would probably not open. Jonathan then noticed that the building was made of cloud. Everyone should know that clouds are soft, so he ripped open a hole just big enough for him to enter.
Jonathan, once inside, was greeted by several hundred shiny metal machines in two straight lines spitting out clouds. Jonathan walked around for a minute, just staring at his many surroundings, when a shrill voice broke his trance. “What are you doing!? you’re not supposed to be in here!” “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Said Jonathan. The strange elf person, if that was what he was, rolled his eyes, “I’m sure you are. Come with me.” Said the elf, grabbing Jonathan’s hand because he was too short to reach his arm.
Jonathan and the elf passed by many rooms with more shiny machines. They journeyed down several long passageways. Finally, they came across a door that was just big enough that Jonathan could duck in. They entered that door.
“This thing just came in uninvited, ma-am.” Said the elf man. “Bring him to me.” Said a voice. “You may leave now.” The elf departed in silence. “I’m sorry for intruding, I should have--” “Shush,” Said a fairy person. “You are the first man ever to visit here. Come, let me take you on a journey.” So the Fairy and Jonathan walked along the corridors with the many shiny machines again when they finally settled on one door.
“This is the cloud factory. This whole factory is run by these brave elves. They breed the clouds and ship them off in these shiny machines so that the world may enjoy them.” “Aha! I knew it to be true!” Said Jonathan. They went throughout the building when they came upon the entryway where Jonathan had made his rude entry. “Well, this marks the end of our tour. Do you have any questions?” Asked the lady.
“Weeeeeelllll, I have always wondered: why does it rain?” “Well, um, the clouds... They have to do their business sometimes too...” She said with a sour look on her face. “Oh Boy! I can’t wait to tell my friends and family about my amazing discoveries!” Said Jonathan. With a shocked look on her face, the fairy said, “No! You will not tell, or I will have to kill you.” “But everyone must know!” Said Jonathan as he started to run. “NO! GET HIM. MY CLOUD MINIONS!” Shouted the fairy as the clouds began to chase after Jonathan.
Jonathan however, as too quick for them. he ran down the rainbow as fast as he could. By the time he reached the bottom, he was out of breath and gasping for air. “Gah, why do I always have to take matters into my own hands?” Said the fairy as she went to grab her bag of lightning.
Jonathan was walking back, still tired from his running, when a lightning bolt flew past him. He looked up and saw another one coming towards him. He began to run again as fast as he could.
“Hello, again,” said the leprechaun. “How was your journey?” “Not now, tiny man!” Said Jonathan, Still running. “It’s leprecha--” BAM! A bolt of electricity hit the leprechaun. The leprechaun then burst into flames, but as one may not have known, leprechauns are flame proof, so he kept talking. Jonathan became terrified, and desprately tried to find cover from the attacker.
While he was running for his life, he finally came upon a thinned forest. He ran inside. There were almost no trees, save for a few groaning ones. He had stumbled into the forest that he had seen earlier. He met up with the tree that he had helped a few days ago. The tree, after some thought, let Jonathan hide within him.
The fairy, no longer seeing Jonathan, left the scene as it had just became sunny. Jonathan thanked the small tree. After a small exchange of conversation, it began to get dark, so Jonathan decided to rest for the night.
The next morning, Jonathan happily journeyed home to his small town. When he told of the events, no one in the town ever doubted Jonathan or is strange journeys ever again.
THE END!

want to read the rest of them? if so, leave me a whisper with your email address and ill send them :)

Avatar, thanks to StorageHeater. Thanks Again :)