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SO IT’S CHRISTMAS AND MY FAMILY IS PLAYING ‘SCATTERGORIES’ AND EVERYONE IS DRUNK, ESPECIALLY MY STEP-UNCLE RICK. HE’S JUST RAVING DRUNK. IT’S CRAZY. SOMEONE ROLLS THE LETTER ‘F’ AND WE ALL SPEND 2 MINUTES TRYING TO FILL OUT THE BLANKS. THE TIMER DINGS AND WE GO AROUND TELLING EACH OTHER OUR ANSWERS.

THE FIRST CATEGORY IS ‘VEGETABLE’. WE ALL GO AROUND AND WE GET TO DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK WHO LOOKS AT US ALL SMUGLY, DIGS UP THIS WIDE GRIN, AND THEN SAYS “FUCKING CARROTS!! BAHABDIUAGHF(*PA#HIOH BHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” AND LAUGHS LIKE A GODDAMNED DEMON KING FOR NEARLY A FULL MINUTE. ONCE HE’S SETTLED DOWN WE MOVE ON. THE NEXT CATEGORY IS ‘THINGS YOU FIND ON THE BEACH’ OR SOMETHING, AND WHEN WE GET TO RICK AGAIN WE ARE GIVEN THIS CONSPIRATORIAL WINK AND NOD, AND THEN HE SCREAMS OUT “FUCKING TOWELS, MAN!!! BBAHAHAHAHHAHA UAHDIUAHIUHAIUH AHAHAHAHAHA” AND AGAIN WE ARE UNNERVED BY HIS CRAZED LUNATIC LAUGHTER.

THIS GOES ON FOR SEVERAL ROUNDS! IT GETS TIRED REALLY QUICKLY! FINALLY, AROUND ROUND 7 OR 8 WE GET TO THE CATEGORY ‘OCCUPATION’. WE GO AROUND AND GIVE EACH OTHER LOOKS OF DREAD AS DRUNK RICK’S TURN APPROACHES. FINALLY IT’S HIS TURN. WE BRACE OURSELVES FOR THE INEVITABLE ‘FUCKING DOCTOR, MAN!!’ OR ‘FUCKING BUS DRIVER SHIT YEAH!!’. THE TENSION IS TERRIFIC. DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK CLEARS HIS THROAT, SHOOTS US A MANIACLE LOOK, AND THEN SAYS QUIETLY AND CALMY ‘forensic scientist’ AND THEN GIVES A CALM NOD TO THE PERSON ON HIS LEFT.

HE THEN GETS UP, WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN, AND FALLS DOWN ALL THE STAIRS INTO THE BASEMENT AND PASSES OUT.