Author: Tooter Shellby

Two days ago, a fisherman called Nic Broca and his 10-strong crew caught a strange fish in deep water off the small volcanic island of Manado Tua in Sulawesi, Indonesia. The 28-gram, 12-centimeter fish was an unusual catch - for it was a Snork, a rare, living fossil! A fossilized group of dozens of Snorks were found 10,000 kilometers away, in the Comoro Islands in the western Indian Ocean 30 years ago, and at the time was our only source of information on these strange creatures.

Snorks are indeed odd compared to their sea creature counterparts. Although they are technically fish, they have snorkel-like orifices growing from the top of their heads, used to propel themselves through the water. They also have two arm-like appendages, often found grasping ordinary clams, suggesting that this was their main source of food. As well as two more appendages growing from their lower waist. Some scientists believe that these were indeed legs used to walk along the bottom of the surface when not utilizing the “snorkel” that sits atop their heads.

Tweenz Bop-It Extreme #82, Their BEST Album so Far?

Author: Andy Genuine

The wonders of the world come in many forms. I, as a world-renowned music critic, have failed to see those wonders And today, so shall you.

I come to you today as a humble servant of the song to let you know the truth. I finally, FINALLY have found salvation and I am here to SHOUT IT. Bay-Toe-Ben, Beyond/Say, The Beet Tills; none of them have reached my soul such as these Tweens Bop-Its have in their newest awe-inspiring album: #82. Loaded with 47 songs, this album features cover songs that shame their original counterparts and original songs that shame all music to come before it. I am happy to say that this album is what the world has been looking for, and with only the slightest of croaks and squeaks that come with adolescence.

The first highlight in the album comes to us in the song “Pull it (Out of the Oven Before it Burns)” an intense look into the fires that consume us all: stovetop incidents in the USA. You’ll never look at your kitchen the same after listening to this ballad. And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the 19 minute track “Yo-Yo Oh No” also lovingly referred to by their fans as “Spin it”. The lyrics go around and around in its metaphors, in its intensity, and also literally with the chorus repeating a total of 12 times.

I do recommend listening to “Crokinole, the Flickening '' cuddled up in bed hugging your stuffed animals. This dark story has an ending so unique and gut wrenching that I can’t even begin to discuss it here. Not in this hoity toity newspaper.

Now, there are still 40+ songs on this album. Some of which are so inspiring they HAVE to exist in a playlist somewhere to tell its story properly. I would make one but The Genuine™ does not do extra work for free. I’ll have the newspaper take care of it instead.

If they don’t add it on then you have truly missed out on something beautiful. Sucks to be you. Forever follow the music dear listeners.

-The Genuine™

Author: Philly Creb

What would you do if you were stuck in the Pacific Northwest with just your great uncle? Well, that is exactly where two twins found themselves at the start of the recent summer. Winding through trees and a sleepy hamlet, known as Weighted Drops, the twins discovered a secret plot! Known to mainly just the inhabitants, Weighted Drops, boasts itself as owning a once-in-a-lifetime stop, a museum known as the Enigma Cottage. Ostentatious signage makes this a hard-to-miss spot, but it’s filled with wonder the likes of which you have never seen before! New and mysterious pieces of the world are stored here like cryptid skeletons, relics of the past, and the occasional interdimensional demon. Graciously, a mysterious donation was made to the museum of several solid gold triangles earlier this year.

Randomly, the week the twins arrived in Weighted Drops, the triangles started glowing and humming. Eerie things started occurring around the museum about that time, as well. Generally, strange occurrences are the norm here in Weighted Drops, but things were cranked up to an eleven. All things came to a head, when the twins reported to their great uncle, the owner of the Enigma Cottage, that they had heard someone walking around the museum after hours. The twins had also discovered odd footprints around the triangle exhibit. Entire sections of the museum were also starting to hum.

Compiling all the clues they found, the twins determined that a heist was most likely afoot! Over the course of the next few weeks they concocted a plan to thwart the thief. Monday, the twins awoke to find they were unsuccessful in their thwarting. Police were finally called to the scene to investigate the theft. All doors and windows remained locked and the security system was never triggered. Granted, nothing else was taken from the museum, despite the owner claiming everything in his collection was a one of a kind priceless artifact. Everything from the triangle exhibit was stolen and gone! Scrawled on the wall...(catalog error. proceed to article page for full article)

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